All Good Things (Part 2)

At this point, dear reader, I am going to call a temporary(?) hiatus to blogging here. The fact is that much of what I really needed to blog about is in the process of getting resolved. The remainder of it is something that I expect that I'll be able to have a public conversation about and that makes me very happy.

I hope that I don't ever have to visit here again, except for the occasional waltz down "memory lane" and to think about how far I've come on my journey. I am completely unrecognizable to myself today -- what am I going to look like 6 months from now!?!? OMG!!!

I don't know what the future holds, but I know I am going there full-tilt-boogie and am going to live the rest of my life as fully as I can muster.

Also, if you've read any of my posts, please accept my thanks. I hope that, at a minimum, you enjoyed what you read here. If you like, please add comments or questions to posts. I am tracking comments on this blog, so feel free. I promise to come back and interact with you, if you submit something.

Thanks and all my best wishes!

/fin

Mind The Gap

You see such admonishments all over London, when you are riding "the tube"... otherwise known to American's as "subways."

It's just as important in living one's life. Why do I say that? Let's have a look...

Building Momentum

We are finally (like, no kidding) doing this!
Sally and I are really going to be together.

One of the things I appreciate about her (and that you may remember from many previous posts) is that, once she starts down a path, there's no stopping her!

This week is a classic example of this.

A New Future

Yes, this is the first day of the rest of our lives.
I can barely believe that I am even writing this post.

In my last post, I wrote about Sally's trip out of town -- it didn't go well. There was lots of conflict between her and Rick. She's never been a good one to "put on a happy face." Whether she's happy or sad, you know what she's thinking and feeling. I happen to like this about her.

This was the point where everything changed for her

Updates [*Very Long* Post]

It's been almost two months since my last posting. It's not for lack of interest or for a lack of things to talk about. In fact, my life has been full of activity and sometimes it seems like it just speeds up. Truly, this post took the better part of my day to write. How messed up is that? <sigh>

In fact, up until the point that I had asked Sandy for divorce, this last stretch is probably been the most difficult for me up until now. I can't point to one specific thing to say that it was the defining issue that had appear so challenging. All I know is that this is been rough.

Some of the news even so hot off the presses, I've really not even had time to think about it thoroughly. With that said, why don't we have a look...

Fooling Yourself

"You see the world through your cynical eyes. You're a troubled young man I can tell. You've got it all in the palm of your hand, but your hand's wet with sweat and your head needs a rest.

You're foolin' yourself, if you don't believe it. You're kidding yourself, if you don't believe it.

How can you be such an angry young man, when your future looks quite bright to me? How can there be such a sinister plan, that could hide such a lamb, such a caring young man?

You're foolin' yourself, if you don't believe it. You're kidding yourself, if you don't believe it"

Partial lyrics to Angry Young Man by Styx

Well, I cannot claim to be "young" anymore, but I can certainly claim my share of anger and recognize how I often fool myself. It's not something that I wear like a badge of honor. Quite to the contrary, actually -- it's more like something shameful that I try to keep hidden from the rest of the world. Frankly, it's why I write about it here!

What's Good For The Goose...

is good for the gander, or so that saying goes.

Quite frankly, I don't know what gooses and ganders have to do with each other, but I'll take it that there is a connection, because I am too lazy to Google it ;-)

Sally has been on a trip and several things have been happening. Let's take a quick look, shall we?

Is There Anybody Out There?

I often wonder that.

It sometimes seems like I am existing in a prison of my own construction.

A prison that is built out of a series of relationships.

I can't move forward, yet I cannot move away.

It's quite puzzling, actually.

Quiet Times

The quiet times are the hardest.

That's when that voice (which isn't me) speaks the loudest.

It screams my name.

It tells me terrible things about how I should feel and what I should think.

From the darkness, it tries to claw its way into the light of day.

It's fueled by the thoughts, feelings and emotions that run amok.

It feeds off of the jealousy, righteousness and sense of ownership that don't really exist.

Turn away, just turn away!

But to where? Where is there to turn!?

It's surrounds, fills and consumes me.

There is no safe place from this ugliness.

There is no relief from the pain it evokes.

A hate that never can be acknowledged is revealed.

No one, nothing is spared.

The grip is tightened.

The descent is assured.

There is no freedom from here, only more darkness.

Jealous Much?

Well, that's the question of the moment, really...

No, not me. Yeah, I know I am and I just try to ride it out when it hits me.

Sally? Heh. Not so much.

Damned If I Do

and damned if I don't. Either way, I'm the one who is taking it on the chin. Or, at least, that's what it feels like these days. To say that there has been some stress in my relationship with Sally would be an understatement.

Sometimes I feel like I just cannot win, no matter how I try.

Sex As An Obligation [Updated]

Sally and I had a discussion the other day and it really got under my skin. Why?
It was about the notion of "sex as an obligation."
Damn, my life can be complicated at times.
Here's what happened...

On "Love At First Sight"

For me, this is an interesting post, because the subtitle to the post should be "Unicorns do exist!" or something similarly kitschy.

I know this is true, because it happened to me!

I wasn't looking for it to happen and I didn't plan to fall in love with anyone.

So much for what I think and plan for, huh?

The Best Is Yet To Come Undone

This is the title to a song by the rock group Lit... and it's also how I've been feeling the past couple of days.

It's not like I've been feeling down, but the reality of my situation has been hitting home for me. That's when it makes for really rough times.

A Failure To Communicate

As the old movie line goes:

"What we have here is a failure to communicate!"

Of course, what movie were talking about is actually irrelevant. I don't remember and I don't care. n the grand scheme of things, the source is not important. What is important is the fact that there is a failure to communicate here.

And what to do about that is going to be a question that I am going to need to consider.

The More Things Change...

The more they stay the same... Or so goes that old saying.
In this case, I think it's interesting that it's not that far from the truth.

I found out that Sally got sick last night, after having gone out with Rick.
She didn't feel well this morning and said that she was feeling a bit cranky, dealing with what she'd been dealing with so far.

I thought to myself "well, there's not much I can do about what you already have to do, but I can sure do something to brighten your day, right?"
That's when I invited her to lunch. She accepted.

So I left to join her for lunch.
Here's what happened...

Temporary Stay of Execution

Well, at least that's what it currently feels like.
After Sally and I had that series of interactions, including her e-mail to me, things got kind of sketchy.
I took on writing my (usual) thoughtful and detailed reply to her.
And then she interrupted me in the middle of it.
Why? Well...

And There It Goes...

That is the sound of the "other, other shoe" dropping.

Heh. I knew that there was something building! When something starts getting under Sally's skin, she starts looking for reasons to justify why she should disconnect or take an action that she considers unfavorable.

We've been together for over two years now -- in both good times and bad times. I have a pretty good feel for how things go when they start to come unwound.

Here's how it went down...

"Nobody Knows The Trouble I've Seen..." [Updated]

Yes, this is a title of an old spiritual that was made popular by Louis Armstrong, but it's also kind of my theme song these days. I'm beginning to feel like the old expression my Grandfather had after a night out of drinking:

"I feel like I've been shot at & missed and shit at & hit"

Why? Let me explain...

Waiting For This Shoe To Drop

Well, it's almost here. Within the next few weeks, if Sally actually does it, she'll formally bring up the divorce to him.

This is potentially a real landmark moment for everyone involved.

Why? Well let's look at it...

Buying Signs

I had the chance to go to lunch with Sally and it's always different than when we are together the days we are together in bed. Yes, I realize that this is pretty obvious, but that's not why it's different.

Anyhow, this past weekend was a big deal for her. She started the process of preparing some of the people closest to her that there are potentially big changes on the horizon.

That was the first of the real "buying signs" from her. Let me explain what I mean by that...

Things Are Moving Along...

Well, it's gone from an "just talk" to "getting real" a lot quicker than I'd anticipated that it would. Just a few days ago, Sally and Rick agreed that they'd start handling their finances separately.

The way that I see it, this is the first step in a number of steps that will (likely) eventually lead to their being divorced.

Of course, it wasn't without it's share of discussion with me...

A Whole New World

As I sit here writing this, I find myself pleased, conflicted and surprised -- all at the same time. Why?

Because Sally is going to ask Rick for a divorce!!!
Yes, you read that right.

This really does change everything! How so?
Let's have a look...

Ranger Rick Fan Club [Updated]

I'm not just the President of the club, I'm also a member! ;-)
OK, that was bad, I admit it.

But I also had a little bit of a win tonight, given my last post.
So, there I am...

It's The Little Things...

Yes, it's the little things that get me and have me feel like "second-class" in Sally's world. I don't for a second think that it's what she intends, but as the old saying goes:

"Here I sit all broken hearted, tried to..."

I'm only kidding about the old saying, but I'm not kidding about the "feeling broken hearted" part.

Here's why...

My "Forest Gump" Moment (a.k.a. Stupid Me)

Yeah, it's just like that.
I had a blinding flash of the obvious about Sally and Rick two days ago -- they currently are and have been having sex.

No, you don't need to alert the media, but apparently I needed alerting.
OK, stop laughing at me, PLEASE!
Why? Well...

To Tell The Truth

When it comes to Sally, I've not had a great track record when it comes to telling the truth. It's not that I want to lie or withhold any relevant information, but sometimes it seems like that's actually the best thing to do. I would say that I am guarded, but I am very deliberate in what I say and how I say it. That's really not uncommon for me in my day-to-day life.

In talking with Sally the of the day, I told her that she did not need to second-guess me, when it came to my being happy with her or not. I told her that if there was something that I was unhappy with I would tell her about it. She asked me "even if you knew it was something that would upset me?" And my response to her: "Absolutely."

Well, it turns out that was one of those days when a piece of the truth got to get told. Here's how it worked...

Calmer days ahead?

It seems that I am in a little better place than I was before. Just taking a quick check of my "internal states," I think that I am doing a lot better than I was before. Specifically, I am nowhere near as pissed off as I was! Yes, I know -- that's a good thing :-)

I wasn't trying to be difficult, but I must admit I was going through a rough patch. It's not like I think it's over, but it's certainly taken a turn for the better. Let me explain why...

Rage Against The Unseen...

There are times when I am not proud of myself.

This is one of them...

"Permission Granted"

It seems like a bit of a strange phrase, but that's the equivalent of what Sally said to me today. She basically told me that she's OK with me dating someone (that isn't her).

The conversation caught me off guard, but in a very welcome way. Let me explain...

"Will you wait for me?"

In all fairness, that question hasn't been actually asked of me. Actually, Sally has expected the opposite and has told me as much. She tells me regularly how she expects that "any day now" I will end our relationship.

In a certain sense, I acknowledge that this is a legitimate concern on her part. At the same time, I also have said with certainty that I have no intention of doing that.

Why? Well...

Three Little Words

Deep down, I am a bit of a romantic. So I guess that you might be tempted to read this title as something kind of mushy, for example:

• "I love you"

In an ideal world, this would be accurate and pretty much my default response. Unfortunately, these days, those three little words have been replaced by:

• "Watching and waiting"
• "Wait and see"

And this is not easy for me. Not even close.
Let me explain why...

Let Me Explain...

"What I said isn't exactly what I meant"

Oh, really!? This ought to be good, I thought.

And then, everything got a bit murky...

The "New Normal"

I don't even know how to start this off. I'm sitting here from the keyboard, slightly shocked, unable to find an appropriate starting place for my comments.

Why, you ask? Well, I got a phone call from Sally yesterday and this caught me completely off guard.

Let me tell you why...

Up In The Air

In a previous post, I mentioned that, for the first time since we've been seeing each other, Sally has begun to actively question whether or not she's going to stay with Rick.

The jury is still out and deliberating...

Choices To Make

Yep. That's right. There are some choices to make and none of them are easy.
It seems like that's all my life has been over the past few years.
Frankly, I'd like to have a period of time where I wasn't faced with life altering choices.

So much for what I want, eh?

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Yeah, as I wrote that title, I had Tina Turner's song going through my head. Sorry about that. Just shows the quirky side of how I think. You're welcome.

So, anyhow, the question is a relevant one, especially when it comes to my thinking about relationships. I'm specifically thinking about Kate.

Why? Well, let's have a look and see...

The Chicken Or The Egg?

Which came first? Well, it seems that there is a "scientific answer" to the question, but whether or not I actually buy it is another post entirely.

Still, given what's been happening recently, the issue of causality has been on my mind.

Let me tell you why...

I'm Distracted...

Yes, it's official -- I am distracted.
I know why I am distracted.

Be Careful What You Wish For...

Why? Because you just might get it. Or at least that's the way that the old saying goes.

In a very real sense, I never thought that I would find myself in this position. What position is that, you ask? Let me describe it for you...

Catching Up

Yeah, there are some shockers and revelations in the "catch up."
Are you ready? Well, then let's go!