- "I love you"
- "Watching and waiting"
- "Wait and see"
Let me explain why...
What Happened
Sally has been having a really rough time and I can completely understand it. Everything kind of came to a head at the beginning of last week.
It's very hard for me to stand around and watch her be in the middle of this. She either comes at it from that she's a horrible person for looking out for herself or that everyone is taking advantage of her and she doesn't get taken care of.
In this line of logic drives me absolutely fucking nuts! why? Because it's not true. It is not just one way or the other. Both of these views are true and then some. We got to a point in the conversation where I just couldn't stand it anymore and had to say something or I was just going to burst.
Others Have Responsibilities
Sally has told Rick, in no uncertain terms, that if their relationship is going to survive, he's going to need to take some actions and make some changes. As of the last time that she and I had talked about it, there have been no changes. In fact, it seems as though he continues on a path for pulling away.
The obvious exception to this was when he reportedly tried to entice her to have sex with him. Having been in a sexless marriage before, I can certainly understand his predicament. Additionally, if I had Sally close to me (on a regular basis), I would want to have sex with her too! As I told Sally, "I don't blame him one bit!" That being said, given the poor state of their relationship, I question his judgment and timing in the matter.
To my knowledge, his attempts at "getting his way" have not been successful. Quite frankly, while I would not like it, I have no reasonable basis on which to object to their having sex, if they both wanted to. Now if she did not want to have sex and he forced her into it, that I would have a problem with. At this point, I don't think this is the case.
Going beyond the sex portion, for just a moment, there is a responsibility that others have in a relationship. It doesn't matter what the relation it is (husband, brother, son, friend, etc.), others do have a responsibility to provide whatever is their part to provide in the relationship. If your spouse is asking you to take concrete actions or to interact with her in a certain way, then it's pretty clear what's expected of you. You either choose to do it or you don't.
One of the things I disliked about how Sally has dealt with things in the past is that she tends to make how people respond to her needs a problem that she becomes responsible for! In my opinion, as long you give people the room to be dishonorable and not live up to their obligations, you can expect that they won't. People do what's comfortable for them and won't "step up" until they are prompted.
Sally Has A Part To Play
I think Sally is a pretty amazing woman. She has energy for days and goes to great lengths to take care of the people around her. For the most part, she seems to hold up her end of the bargain. In fact, I get to see (almost on a daily basis) just how much she tries to do for others or in the name of trying to have a relationship work.
One of the things that I called her on is that she can do other people's work for them. If they fall short, it's on them, not on her. It has nothing to do with "that's what she deserves", karma or anything else that isn't they fell short. Period. End of story.
Yes, she has a part play, but only a part.
And Then There's Life
Here's the kicker. You can go through life and do everything perfectly, everyone else can do everything perfectly and it can still fail! Why? Because life has something to say about how things go.
Despite our best intentions, sometimes things just don't turn out. It's not anyone's fault, nor is it for lack of trying. Life has a way of throwing curve balls that change the game. We can be sad for the loss of something that was once special, but if we try to hang onto it too long the pain on the other end just deepens and intensifies with time.
In other words, once you recognize something is done, then it's time to move on.
Stating The Obvious
Really, the way that I know that this is both true and obvious is that I have lived it!
I told Sally where I was coming from in this matter. This was exactly why I decided to ask for my divorce from Sandy. It got to the point where I was clear that there was no other way around. It was time for us to break our relationship and move on. Neither of us would've been served by continuing down the path we were going.
I don't think this is easy, rational or simple. When you're in the middle of it, it's anything but. I can remember the feelings I was experiencing during the time around our initial separation and filing for divorce. I was disoriented, under intense emotional stress and unsure of how I was going to face the future.
The only thing that I didn't know was that, moving forward, I had the opportunity to say something about how my new relationships were going to go. I would have to say about how those relationships would start, what they would be based on and how they would unfold. With any luck, I would be able to learn from the mistakes I've made in the past and make different sets of choices.
In my view, this is the opportunity that this change in relational environment represents. This is her chance to make new choices about the who/when/why/how of she's related to.
Making New Choices
I used my relationship with her as an example of this. She immediately shot back a comment that tried to minimize that on the grounds that our relationship has had a limited scope. While I agree that it has had a limited scope, it is a full and complete relationship nonetheless. I have relationships with friends and coworkers that are both whole and satisfying which are just as limited.
She said to me that if we were together, there is no guarantee that we would be successful. I heartily agreed with her, because she's right. There is no guarantee when it comes to relationships. All we have the opportunity to do is to make choices about how we think things will go. We can listen for what needs to happen and try to make the best choices we can.
In the end, it could be a complete failure. We could find that spending a lot of time together is the worst possible thing that could happen. There's no way of knowing that in advance. I would rather give it our best shot, than to have not even tried.
Ultimately, not making a choice that it is time to make is making a choice! regardless of which choice you make, there are going to be circumstances to contend with. No one wants to deal with crappy circumstances, but when things get to this point, you're going to have your share of crap to deal with. The key point becomes about how long you're going to deal with the crap and whether or not anything will be resolved out of attending to it.
The Way I See It
I have never claimed to be perfect, to have all the answers or to know what's best for someone else (especially Sally). The truth is that I fuck up a lot. I make many mistakes every week and will likely do so until the day I die.
And I'm OK with that. That's part of what it means to be human, alive and developing relationships with other people.
The difference between us is that I work hard not to take things personally. I try not to deal with others in a manner that is about assigning blame, being righteous or justifying why I take certain actions. In my experience, none of these things have ever led to a more satisfying relations with another.
I work hard to take the actions to fix things and move forward. I'm more committed to what can come of my being related to someone than I am in any of that other personal stuff.
The Bottom Line
I have a bit of a tight rope to walk here. I need to give Sally enough room to work through what she needs to work through in her own time. I also need to ensure that I say what I need to say, so that I am not left out of the equation either.
I'm not attached to having her believe anything that I say. She's welcome to make her own choices and I will love and support her wherever those choices go.
That does not mean that the form of our relationship will not change. In fact, sooner than later, I expect it will change significantly -- it has to!! That's what relationships do over time, they change.
All there is to do is to keep communicating and making choices as they present themselves.
Where it goes from here is anyone's guess!
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