Let Me Explain...

"What I said isn't exactly what I meant"

Oh, really!? This ought to be good, I thought.

And then, everything got a bit murky...

Personally, I hate it when that happens. I really do value clarity and consistency when it comes to interacting with others. It's not just about what gets said, but also the context in which it is said. As a result, if you don't pay attention to that, there are bound to be misunderstandings.

In my last post, I mentioned that Sally had asked Rick for a divorce. That is communication that I took at face value. There doesn't seem to be anything ambiguous or unclear about it, so I was a little bit taken aback by my conversation with Sally.

She offered an important clarification for me today -- she represented "I want a divorce" in her conversation with Rick as the current state of her thinking, not an explicit request to dissolve their marriage.

Maybe it's just me, but I think that there is a world of difference between these two ways of interpreting that statement. One is very final, the other is not. I have a good understanding of the former interpretation of that sentence, because it is the exact thing that I'd asked Sandy for. I never used it as an means of manipulating the discussion we were having or in any other way inconsistent with the normal interpretation.

One of the things that Sally has been quite clear about is that she's going to do things in her own time, her own way and take care of herself first. In the broadest sense, I don't have any issue with that. It all seems very reasonable to me. In fact, when she brings them up, I am quite quick to reinforce that I will support her in this approach and support her in whatever direction she chose to move in.

But I do think that this is very similar to what I'd originally predicted -- she will try to maintain the status quo. This attempt at putting Rick "on notice" may have (at least part of) its desired effect. I think it will likely prompt him to take some action and "correct" things that she's been having issues with.

Sally is quick to tell me that she has to give it a chance to have the relationship work out. From my perspective, I cannot (and would not) fault her for that. If that's what she needs to do to justify in her own mind that a final decision to leave (whenever she gets around to making it) is a good one, so be it.

At the same time, I don't think she's being very realistic about the situation. The fact of the matter is that she's had frank conversations with Rick before, only to see him go back to "normal behavior" within a certain period of time. He improves for a little while and then things go south again. In other words, if she doesn't keep working to keep him on track, he's going to go off-track again.

I think the outcome is pretty predictable. Given the fact that his going off track (this last time) culminated in an incident (bringing us to the point where we are at now) doesn't make me a happy guy, because I think that it is possible for it to occur again and potentially escalate.

I told her (again) just this past week what I wanted and when I wanted it. I let her know my feelings about how things are going with her Rick. I didn't hold anything back. I said what needed to be said so that there was no chance of a misunderstanding about where I stood. But In the end, I realize that despite whatever I say, I will leave it to her to make her decision.

After all, there's no amount of convincing or rationalizing that I can do that will have her take any action that she isn't ready for. She does things on her own time, in her own way and I can accept that. I think in that way we are a lot alike. Yet, just because I can accept it doesn't mean that I have to like it!

It's also worth noting that, even though I would really like something to work out with Sally, I am not going to wait forever. The way our relationship has been has worked for both of us, but I am coming to a place where I am going to have to make a decision about the direction the rest of my life s going to take. She's also told me that she understands that I am going to do what I need to do. The timing may not work out to have us be together.

Ultimately, whether or not she is a part of my life going forward is really her choice.

At this point, only time will tell... and it feels like I'm running out of time.