In a very real sense, I never thought that I would find myself in this position. What position is that, you ask? Let me describe it for you...
One of the things that I had taken great pride in saying to Sally over the past few years when we would talk about the future of our relationship is that:
"no matter how much you care to think that the future will be a certain way, there are no guarantees -- anything can happen that neither you or I have any control over"Contrary to how it might seem, I wasn't just trying to be a smartass or appear to be overly philosophical about what the future holds. Quite the opposite, I think. I believe that my position on this was actually a fair representation of reality. Yes, there are things that we can explicitly choose during the course of living our lives. Compared to the number of changes that occur because of the impact of what others do and what life does, the influence of any one of our choices I believe is quite insignificant, even if it doesn't feel insignificant at the time.
For the (almost) two years since I've known Sally, she's maintained that there would be no way that she would leave Rick. She has admitted that, from time to time, she has thought about a future with the two of us together, but quickly moved that out of her thoughts. She considered such thinking a luxury and given her reality, she didn't want that around long enough to even consider that it was a viable option for her. She's had her reasons why she felt this was the case and I was in no position to argue. In fact, there's a certain reasonableness and logic behind why she has felt the way she's felt.
When she and Rick made the decision to have an open relationship, it made it quite easy to see her, knowing that all of the relevant parties were now fully aware of the situation. It seemed that we had reached a new place -- a place where we could be open/honest about what was happening and appreciate a relationship that we were able to have outside of the shadows. The only thing different about this was that neither Rick or I wanted to know about what she was doing with the other man.
For quite a long time this arrangement has seemed very workable. We were able to see each other and really enjoy the time that we spent together. When not together, we still were in communication, but we were living our individual lives.
And then everything changed.
Rick and Sandy had an incident. The specifics around the incident itself and when it occurred are not relevant to the discussion, save the fact that it opened up something that had never been held as a possibility before -- the possibility that Sally could leave Rick.
No, I am not kidding.
As you can see, now my earlier comments about not knowing what the future holds have an entirely new (and much more real) meaning to them.
Sally acknowledged to me that in the period immediately following the incident, she actively considered and thought about leaving Rick to be with me. Ultimately, she decided not to execute on that, because it would have been a decision made under duress and without giving due consideration to the consequences. I am glad that she didn't make any rash decisions, because that isn't the basis upon which I would want the decision to be with me made from.
Still, I was shocked at this revelation. I never expected that she would say that to me. Given what had gone on up unto this point, I never thought that I would hear that come from her mouth!
The disruption that this represents in the way that I have been thinking about our relationship cannot be overstated. One moment, I am thinking that we just have a romantic relationship (at an arms length distance) that will only, ever be like this. In the next moment, I am now forced to actively consider that Sally might say "I am now ready to spend the rest of my life with you."
No, that is not a minor change -- it is significant!!
As of today, things are in a state of limbo. Sally is not quite sure about her path forward and she sure has a lot to consider. On the one hand, things have happened which fundamentally changed (and is still changing) her relationship with Rick (and not in a good way). On the other hand, if she chooses to change things, there are a whole other set of disruptive circumstances that will accompany such a change. We're talking the kind of changes that are (literally) life altering.
I can tell you that she is not alone in this, because I am now facing this as well. You'll recall that at one point, I asked her to leave Rick and spend the rest of her life with me -- I never revoked that request/offer. In fact, not too long ago, I even highlighted that fact. When she told me this I let her know that if she made the choice she would know where to find me (and I'd come help her pack). In that moment, I did make a choice. In essence, I told her that no if she said yes to me, I would say yes to her. Unconditionally.
This places me in a bit of a sticky situation. Why? Primarily because of my relationship with Kate.
If I did choose to execute on that, there are things that would need to be addressed and unwound. I know that I would:
- Have to stop seeing Kate and the thought of that is difficult. Why? I do like and enjoy being around/with her, but I am not yet at the point where I can really say that I love her;
- Have a conversation with Sally about my (former?) relationship with Kate and how that's been over the course of the past 10 months;
- Need to have a conversation with Kate about not seeing each other anymore;
- Need to have a conversation with my family about it. I know that that would not be a pleasant conversation, because they have grown fond of Kate, much as I have.
At this point, I think it's highly likely that Sally will choose to stay with Rick. I don't know that there's anything that the two of them can do, given the circumstances and the way that they relate to each other, that will have them be able to resolve the core issue that surfaced. In fact, I think that it's likely she would choose to just continue to live life operating over the top of this issue. I don't like that and I don't think it's a viable strategy, but there's only so much leeway I have in being able to bring it up. Yes, I say what's on my mind and then let her do what she needs to do, because it is her life.
I think that the seriousness of the issue serves to actively undermine and weaken their relationship. When one operates over the top of a significant relational issue, it eats away at the foundation like a cancer eats away at a human body. One day you're "happy-go-lucky" and then all of a sudden you're "flat on your back" in a fight for your life, only in this case the fight is a relational one.
I think it's quite possible that they could operate over the top of the issue for a long time to come, but I can't help but feeling as though this is a waste of a life -- one that I already consider to be too precious and short.
It's highly likely in doing so that before long, they will have a relationship based on convenience and maintaining appearances.
I don't want to say that what they are doing is right or wrong, because it's not my place. We each need to look to ourselves, our relations and to what life is calling for us to do and make choices. Any cheap assessment that I might make about that doesn't really serve anyone involved. It just makes it more difficult.
Certainly, it's not what I would choose to do. Given what I went through with Sandy, I would never want to again operate over the top of a significant issue in a relationship. When I think about how much time she and I wasted together, just because we were satisfied with being comfortable with each other, it starts to make me very sad. It's even more sad when I see others choose to go down a similar path, because I know what's down there and how that feels.
I don't know how this is going to play out, but I do know that something is coming to a head. It may not be today, tomorrow or even next week -- but something is coming and I have a sense that whatever it is will have a profound, shaping effect on my life and of those around me.
Other than this, my life has been pretty ordinary.
How about yours? ;-)
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