Surprise, Surprise!

Well, yesterday with Sally was great. Incredible even. I don't think I could have planned it better.

Today's Updates

Just a quick update for today:

1. I spoke with the new gal that I wrote about yesterday and she sounds really great. I've been working way too hard this weekend, otherwise we would have tried to arrange a meeting today. I'm really looking forward to that.
2. Sally and I will be seeing each other tomorrow. Logistics are all planned out. I have a couple of surprises planned for her.

I am going to have to do some thinking here over the next few weeks about how Sally and I will start discussing our future together (or a lack thereof). I'm now getting enough traction that I can see that there will be a point where I am going to have to choose my path. I know what I want, but I only have part of the say in that. Anyhow, it's certainly going to be interesting.

Interesting Day

Well, life in the dating world is interesting.

My "coffee date" today went well and the main objective was achieved -- I got out and had a good time. She's a very nice lady and we enjoyed each others company, but no real sparks out of the gate.

Made a new connection on the dating site that is very promising. We've been exchanging quite a bit of IM today and so far she's been a lot of fun. I'm going to call tomorrow and talk with her in person. See where that one goes.

If nothing else, I am forcing myself to get outside of my comfort zone and meet new people. Nothing wrong with that! :-)

It's Very Nice To Meet You...

Well, it's going to be a banner week for meeting women. No, I'm not kidding. I'm serious. Two significant "dates" (of sorts).

It's kinda hard to explain. It all started earlier this week...

Inexplicably Happy

Yes, that's the way I'd describe myself today. I'm not sure why, but I am.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving And Giving Thanks

For my international readers, tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day here in the U.S. Actually, it's not here yet, but it's close.

I tend to take holidays somewhat seriously, especially as I am getting older. Why? Well, I guess I am finding that I have more to be thankful for and to appreciate. So, the significance and opportunity that a given holiday represents isn't lost on me.

The way that I see it, this Thanksgiving is even more significant because I'm thinking of this as the first Thanksgiving of the rest of my life.

And Now For Something Completely Different...

Remember that I said that I wasn't a betting man? Heh. It's a good thing.
Yesterday was a very interesting day.

Sally and I had our lunch.
It didn't turn out anything like I thought it would.

Gunfight At The OK Corral

I've never been much of a betting man. In fact, I tend to be pretty horrible at it. I think I'm missing all of the core skills one needs to be good at it. Still, I am betting that today will not be a good day and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. Why?

Because my choices are always influenced by the wrong things. I say the wrong stuff at the wrong time. My timing is off. I zig when I should zag. I speak when I should shut up and vice versa. Well, you get the picture. It's not a pretty one, I can assure you that.

It seems as though all roads have been leading to this single event -- what I am calling the "gunfight at the OK corral".

I Make Her (Literally) Sick [Updated]

This just in.

Sally had been having pretty severe physiological issues that were ultimately diagnosed as stress related. From what she could tell it all came back to me. As of today, she's been symptom free for three days. Good for her.

It's nice to know the effect one has on others. It sure makes me feel good about myself.

---

As it turns out, the declaration of victory was slightly premature. The symptoms have since returned, without any action on my part. So maybe I'm not as an important a factor in this as I would think. Just spitballing here... LOL

The Last Word on Sally?

When it comes to Sally, I don't think I will really ever have a "last word". There will always be something to think about or something to consider. Some element that is worthy of examining for a lesson learned.

Well, I think I may have hit the unique set of circumstances that closes the door completely with her.

Why? Let me explain.

The Mediator And A Wake Up [Long Posting]

Wow. Another intense 24 hours... well, actually less than 12 at this point. Damn. This is just wearing me out. I'm actually cursing a lot, but not actually writing it down -- purely for your benefit, dear reader. It doesn't add anything (except when it does, I will) and it just helps my emotions stay ramped up. I know that it's all based in reaction and I hate reacting. I know I do it, I watch for it and try to avoid doing it, but there are times I will anyway. The real key is how long it takes to recover myself when I do. That period decreases consistently over time -- I am taking ground with it. Now, on to the last 12 hours...

Perception Is(n't) Reality

To say that this has been a thoroughly screwed week would not be an exaggeration. While there have been some OK portions to it, most of it has truly sucked. I am very sincere about that. I haven't even gotten to today yet... still catching up from earlier in the week.

Misunderstandings-R-Us

Well, it was another example of exactly how dangerous assumptions are. As it turns out, Sally and I were in two completely different conversations.

She read my e-mail and went ape shit (technical term, thank you). I got three voice mails before 7 AM today and we even exchanged several rounds of text messages. All of which weren't doing either of us any good. Following that, we talked on the phone today for well over two hours this morning and we repaired what looked like it was irreparable. It's a real testament to communication.

Neither of us knows what our future holds together, but we do know we have some future together. We are something more than friends and something less than lovers. Exactly what that is will be worked out over time and I'm good with that.

If there was a lot to debrief before, there's a lot more to do now!

Tonight Was Goodbye

Well, this is going to be a short post, because I've got to get to bed. Early morning tomorrow.

I sent a final goodbye and farewell note to Sally tonight.
I'd finally had enough of the bullshit. Will provide details later. Lots to debrief.

It's her life. She can lead it how she sees fit.
I'll always love her and I hope this makes her happy.

No one can say that I didn't try my best.
In the meantime, I have my own life to lead.

What Pisses Me Off

So, after I went back and re-read the text message to me, I started to get a little pissed off. Here's why.

We were having an exchange via IM (as I noted earlier) and I had to go run an errand. I told her so and went out. Earlier that morning, I had scheduled an auto-posting of a social media update to my account which talked about my need to go exercise, because my stress level was at such a high point. Apparently, this is the place where she lost it and found she could no longer deal with me.

The part that really pisses me off is that it gives the distinct impression as though my problems with her are the sole source of stress in my life! That's not only wrong, it's a complete crock of shit.

It's the height of hubris. How dare she take that comment as being all about her. I sent her a note back and told her the equivalent without being nasty about it. Yes, it does play a role, but that's just a portion of what I'm dealing with. And, at this point, it's a way smaller portion than she is giving herself credit for.

Perhaps I have placed too much faith in or given her too much credit for what I thought our relationship was about.

When Too Much Is Just Too Much

Well, it looks like Sally is starting to shut down, implode or whatever you want to call it. Seems that she has just had too much and cannot take it any more. She sent me a text message and told me the rough equivalent of this. I sent a note back to her asking that she reconsider and not "toss the baby out with the bath water".

She seems to think that just disconnecting will do the trick. Ultimately, it may provide some short-term relief, but it won't make things better. It doesn't really address what there is to address, which is why I say it won't work. Of course, she needs to decide upon that for herself. I cannot. Nothing I can or will say can override her choosing the path forward.

Again, only time will tell. If that's what she needs to do, then so be it.

Current Weather Conditions

Sally asked me today how I was doing and my response was:

"Cold and overcast with an 80% chance of showers"

Yeah, that's how I feel. I don't mean to rain on anyone's parade, but that's the truth about it.

The Next Evolution

Day 1 was a bit of a mixed bag. Very, very stressful. So much stuff in such a short period. There was a little "spillage", but overall it was not terrible. I found that I was just very sad, but I went about my day with a muted smile on my face. I kept my "game face" on for the rest of the world to see. It pretty much worked as advertised, despite the fact that I felt like I was dying inside. Not at all pleasant, I can assure you.

I hadn't spoken with Sally all day. In fact, I did everything I could to keep her out of my mind. Not much of it worked. It's kind of like when you drive by a horrific car crash... you don't want to look, you know you won't like what you see, but you look at it anyway. Really, kind of like that. Then came the evening...

Suffering In Silence

I did manage to sleep, but I woke up extra early... and not because I wanted to. Actually, the earliest I have in a long time. Going to make for a thoroughly screwed day, I think. My customary chirpy optimism and "glass half full" perspective has had the shit beat out of it and has definitely turned "glass half empty". This morning I am feeling it.

It's taking everything that I've got to not be bitter and angry about how this has gone down.

Me, Myself and I

Yep, that's who's left. Just the three of us. Why?
Because Sally is no more.
That's right. She's no more.

I am going to be thinking and writing a lot about this, but not tonight.
Yet, tonight keeps going... and I'm just sitting here dumbfounded and dazed.
The thoughts and emotions are just overwhelming at the moment.

I can safely say that "Plan A" is now complete.
What do I do from here?
I honestly don't know.

The Countdown Begins

Well, if it wasn't real enough, it's gotten much more real for both Sandy and I. Today we talked about logistics and what was happening when. Whoa. A lot to do and not much time.

One Foot In, One Foot Out...

There comes a time in each persons life where they need to make choices. Tough choices. You need to look yourself in the mirror and decide what you want to do. Today was one of those days.

On Being Alone...

Being separated isn't entirely bad. You know, in many ways, this is very good for me. No kidding. There are lots of aspects to this that do work. Others? Well, not so much.

We're Off To See The Lawyer!

Well, this is a pretty big step -- we've committed to seeing a lawyer about starting the paperwork process for our separation. It'll serve as the foundation for any divorce proceedings that will follow. We're going to schedule the appointment for next Friday (time is TBD).

Getting To Know You

Yes, I know there's a song like this, but that wasn't what I was thinking of. Specifically, I was thinking of something that Sally said to me. She wanted to get to know every little thing about me. At the time, I thought "that's great". Of course, now I'm like "OK, now what!?".

To Tell The Truth...

No, I don't intentionally lie or withhold aspects of the truth, but you just can't go around blurting out whatever is on your mind. That's just as damaging as withholding -- sometimes even worse. I figured that my day with Sally yesterday would give me the time to talk with her and bring out some of the points I was hoping to make in the letter I had started writing.

As it turns out, the opportunity did present itself.

Know Thy Limits

Most of my posts have a certain theme to them -- my reflecting upon something that I am thinking or feeling. I don't think that this will be much different from that, but it will expand a little bit from the normal. Why? Because it's relevant.

In the late hours...

... is when I do some of my best (or perhaps my worst) thinking. It's that time of the night where I finally begin to relax from the activity of the day and just let everything wash over me. It's both freeing and torturous. Weird, isn't it? Yeah, I'll say.

The "write stuff"... and other errata

Yes, throw stones at me, if you will. I know that this was a terrible pun. I just couldn't help myself. :-)

OK. I am "knee deep" in writing the letter... which is what made the pun so much fun! I think this letter is a doozy!

I can't wait to see how the story ends. LOL

Time To Write "The Letter"

Sounds ominous, doesn't it? Yeah, I know. It does. To a certain extent, I guess it is. I have been thinking about this a lot over the past few days. I've been re-reading some of the communications between Sally and I. I've been considering what to write and haven't gotten very far.

I guess it'll be done the way that I like to blog -- sit down and start, the rest will work itself out. Surely that cannot be bad, right? Heh. Right...

The problem that I have at the moment is that as I start thinking of it, I visualize myself writing a "War and Peace" length note to her. I have neither the time nor the inclination to do that. Still, there are things that need to be said and they are going to get said.

I guess it'll come out how it comes out. Time to start writing, I guess... :-D

Was It Evident All Along?

A friend of ours (Sandy and I) called me this morning. She wanted to express her support for me during this transition period, as she is a friend to both of us, not just Sandy.

It was a very interesting call and went in a direction that I didn't anticipate. Let me explain...

I've Moved Out Of The House

So, after a short discussion, Sandy asked me to move out of the house until she could move out. Given I do have a place where I can go and it seems better that we be apart, I said yes. I'm now in a new "home".

It may sound bad, but it's really not. Why? Let me explain.

Sowing The Seeds Of Reasonable Doubt? [Updated]

So I have a tendency to over-think things at times, OK? I know that. At the same time, I am also fairly intuitive. I know when something is up; when it's not right. I got that sense today from Sally.

It's Hard To Leave

No, that's not what I meant at all. Yes, I knew what you were thinking. :-)

I was thinking about my time tonight with Sally. It really is an important thought. It was hard to leave. A line has been crossed and we both know it.

Undo Or Keep Going?

As I mentioned in my last post, there have been a number of changes on the relationship front with Sally. These have been significant and important. All indications demonstrate that there may indeed be a future for the two of us. I am very happy about this and have no complaints.

But it does now present an issue that I have to deal with. As it turns out, my "marketing efforts" to start dating and such have been pretty successful. Actually, much more successful than I'd originally anticipated they would be. That's both the good news and the bad news.

What's a guy to do? :-)

It's A Brand New Day

Over the past few weeks, I've pretty much written off a future with Sally. It's not been easy. In fact, it's been a time filled with a lot of emotion and pain... neither of which I feel that I handle particularly well. Then, I guess that may be more of a broad-based issue with people, than something that is just unique to me.

I'd been preparing for the inevitable and with good reason. Last Friday, everything came to a head. I gained new insight into the situation and realized what I needed to do was the one thing that I didn't want to do. I needed to walk away of my own accord and set Sally free to live a life without me... and that's exactly what I did.

Everything was moving along fine, until last night. That's when everything changed.