"Plan B" - Moving From Thought To Action

Well, after the first split with Sally a few weeks ago and the formalization of my separation from Sandy, I decided that it was now time to kick things into high gear.

It was time to meet new women who might be interested in me.

Who's Sorry Now

Heh. A pretty strange post title that pretty well fits a strange evening, strange dreams and a strange wake up this morning.

"A Bad Penny Always Returns To You..."

Or in my case, Sandy returns home from her trip on Monday afternoon. I'm looking as forward to this as I would being in a position where I needed to do my own dental surgery on myself with home power tools.

If you are thinking that I don't think this is a good thing, your powers of perception are not off. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I'm at a point where I want to be done with her. Really.

Trip Debrief - Part 2

Well, at this point, I consider the immediate part after returning home just as much a part of the trip as the trip itself.

Indeed, it seems that what seemed like the end of the trip may have been a bit premature.

Why? Well, Sally and I started exchanging IM last night.

Trip Debrief - Part 1

OK. A lot happened over the past four days. More than I'd ever anticipated.

From one perspective, it was a perfect four days. From another perspective it was a complete tragedy.

Why? Let's have a look...

It's Over

OK. This stage of my life and my physical relationship with Sally is officially over. I played full out, we had a great time together and I kept my promise to her. There's a lot to think and write about this. More to come...

Trip Is A GO!

Very, very excited. This will be a great few days with Sally. Really looking forward to it!

It's A Good Fit...

Well, the Halloween costume that is! In the post "I can't do this anymore...", I talked about the costume that I purchased and was going to surprise Sally with on our trip. Well, I tried it on last night and it looked awesome on me.

Not to be overly impressed with myself, but I've got a very shapely body now. Almost to the point where I'm just about as manly as the superhero costume. Not quite where I want to be yet, but closer! :-D

I hope I'll get the chance to use it at some point -- She'll absolutely FLIP!!! I've even practiced the accent for her... :-)

A Gift To Wake Up To

One of the things I've known for a while is that Sally likes to get up early in the AM when she can. What I didn't know is why. She told me that she rarely gets the chance to have any alone time and that is likely her only opportunity to get it. I hadn't really thought of that before and it made good sense to me. What's my point? I'm getting there... :-)

"3,2,1... Houston, we have separation"

Heh. OK. My life isn't a space mission. While it may be complex, it's not expensive (yet), bad for the environment (except the relational one) or potentially lethal (whew, no witty retort there...). Still, this was the first full work week that Sandy and I have been apart. It's been an interesting week.

The More Things Change...

... the more things stay the same. At least that's the way the old saying goes. Given my current circumstances, that very well may be true. It's been another strange 24 hours. Just when I think that I have some idea of what the hell is happening, something changes.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go???

Our trip next week is going to be an important one. As I stated before, it's my intention that we come to a new level of understanding on this trip and help to relieve some of the stress that our relationship represents. And I know that Sally is really feeling it right now. So, I made her this offer:

We will take the time to talk it through and come to a new level of understanding OR I will leave of my own accord.

I am perfectly fine with this approach. It's not my intention to cause her distress, if there's nothing workable there. And I trust that when we are together and we actually talk (not exchange of IM), good things can come of it. If nothing else, it's a huge bet, but it's one worth making

If it all ends next week, so be it. We can both be complete about it and satisfied that we did all we could. If not, then we'll have a foundation to work off of. Neither result is bad. The way things were left this week definitely was.

Getting To The Bottom Of It....

Well, yesterday was an interesting day, to say the least. Sally and I had a chance to talk last night and it was good. Things are always better when we talk. I know that communication works... there's plenty of evidence for that.

The Emotional Roller Coaster

Right about now, I'm feeling a bit queasy. This is a terrible ride and I'd like to get off...

It has been a day from hell. I've been totally unproductive and am just about spent emotionally. This is some of the hardest time for me since our last break up. In fact, given that we just reunited about six weeks ago, I am still reeling from the energy of reconnecting with her only to be dropped into the energy of a break up.

It's really more than one person should have to subject themselves to. I've not been handling it well at all. In fact, all of the emotion has just had me completely fixated. I've felt terrible, have lost my appetite, etc.

This love stuff is terrible. Perhaps I am not cut out for it after all.

Oh, what a day...

Increasing The Fear Threshold

First, you throw down the gauntlet. Second... gee what's second... Oh, look to see who picks it up.

My note to Sally was a bit like throwing down the gauntlet, when you think about it. The real question is whether or not it'll just lay there or get picked up.

To Hell WIth The Rules!

Well, I did it. I crossed a boundary today with Sally.
I asked her to make a choice.
I asked her to choose to be with me.

It scared the shit out of me to actually ask her...

I feel like a total schmuck

That's about the only way I can describe it right now. Enough said.

"I can't do this anymore..."

Of all the words in the English language that one might anticipate hearing after you've just had probably the greatest sex you've ever had with someone, those are probably the five least likely ones that you'd likely expect to hear, right? Yeah, I know.

Those are the exact words that Sally said to me tonight. Our physical relationship (the third major phase/turning in our relationship) is now over.

Let The Light Shine Through...

It should be no surprise, after looking at everything I've written over the past few days, that this has been a long and stressful weekend for me. In fact, I've now got canker sores in my mouth and extremely strong cravings for junk food and desserts. While there may be much about who I am that I don't know, I do know that both of these are typical stress reactions for me.

As it turns out, there has been a few small rays of light this weekend.

Quote of the Day

I was looking across my Twitter feed today and came across this little gem of a quote attributed to Erica Jong:

"Jealousy is all the fun you think they had"

As I think back on my last post on the topic, On Jealousy..., I find that there's likely more than a bit of truth in it for me.

Ultimately, this is not about the specific actions of others, as much as it is getting what I want or what I feel that I deserve (translation: it's all about ME). It isn't that either of these is good or bad, right or wrong. It's also not a justification or a "get out of jail free" card for someone.

It's all just a set up for an unfulfilled expectation.

Being In Communication (or "Meet the Parents")

One of the key things about this separation is that it's requiring that a whole new level of connection and communication be in place.

It's both one of the causal factors as well as a solution.

And it's up with everyone in our lives.

STRESS!!!

Ugh!!!
With all of this stuff going on (and dredging it up to think about it), my stress level is off the charts!!

I just want to overdose on pizza, junk food, candy and desserts (pies, cakes, puddings, ice cream, etc.).
It is just really hitting me hard at the moment.

<sniffle, sniffle>

On Sex (Part 1 of ?)

One of the aspects that I've been unhappy with regarding my relationship with Sandy has been our sex life. I need to take stock of that.

One of the things that has been very fulfilling has been my relationship and sex life with Sally. In fact, it's one of the things that dynamited me out of being stuck in my relationship with Sandy.

This isn't an easy topic to think about for me. Not even close. In fact, of all the things that I've been considering what to write about, this is the one that I've felt most uncomfortable about.

With this said, it's time to dig in...

The NEED for a "Plan B"?

Given what I wrote about last night, regarding my future with Sally, I almost shudder to write this.

I met a woman this past week that I am interested in...

Maybe I am a sad man...

or at least that's the way it seems. I spent my Friday night at home watching television, checking my Twitter feed and writing my blog posts. Is it me or is that really just a sad commentary on my life?

Maybe I just need to get out more...

Maybe I am a bad man...

Seriously. I'm not joking about this. Maybe I am. The more I write and think about it, I very well might just be doing an excellent job of convincing myself that I am.

Futures With Sally [Updated]

If I had one wish, do you know what that would be?
I would wish for Sally to just say "I want to be with you for the rest of my life. How do we make that work out?"

The truth is that I'd be a seriously happy guy. The problem is that things aren't working like that with us. Here's where things are at.

On Jealousy...

Before I met Sally, I was not a jealous person. In fact, I was pretty cavalier about the whole concept of jealousy. Now, not so much. In fact, I find now that the whole jealousy thing really grates on me. So, I'm going to explore this topic a little bit...

The Ultimatum

So, during our last trip, Sandy delivered an ultimatum to me -- choose to stay or go. What do you say to that? I wasn't completely resolved about whether to stay or go, because I do love my wife. It's not as though I don't enjoy spending time with her most of the time. Yet, the demand required a response... there was no way out of it.

Holy Sheep Dip!

Boy, what a week this has been. I've been so confronted I can't stand it. I almost feel as though my head is about to pop off. I'm going to have to queue up a few posts on the various topics I've got swimming in my head. A whole lot of ground has been covered in a very short period of time.

Big Changes

Today is a landmark day for me. Sandy and I met with Ellie this morning to discuss our transition. At the end of it, we decided that what was next for us was to do was to separate. There's still a lot of stuff to work out, but the direction is clear. I'm sad, scared and totally confronted by this. More to follow in my next posts...

I say what I mean...

...and I mean what I say.

I've always been like that. I don't say things randomly or without due care. I speak the way that I write. I don't play to people's egos or any of that crap. At the same time, it's not "just the facts ma'am". While I do have an engineering background (I like to say that I'm a "recovering engineer"...) and appreciate precision when it comes to communication, I'm not limited to just what is objective and demonstrable. I am capable of communicating things that are very deep and personal with great ease... often times, I just have to sit with it for a bit.

What a day...

... and what an evening! This is a rather long post, so I'm offering you both a warning and an apology in advance. With that caveat in place, let's get started -- there's a lot to discuss!

What Scares Me

I've been through a lot of stuff in my life. Many hard situations and stuff to deal with. My relationship with Sally is probably the scariest thing in my life right now. No kidding. Sometimes, it's enough to overwhelm and consume me.

How Not To Do Your Vacation

Sandy and I recently went on our annual vacation to a very nice place. We've been going there for quite many years and have always enjoyed it. As our relationship has started to come unwound, there was some question as to whether we would actually take our vacation this year or not. It was not a a slam dunk decision, nor a perfect vacation. Far from it. Let me explain.

"You Can't Live With Them..."

So starts the old saw. I don't think that it's true, but there is some truth to it right now, at least where my relationship with Sandy is concerned. It's weird really. I do love my wife... just not in the way that I used to. That may seem curious to you, but it's what is true for me. I'm going to try and recap how things got here, just so there is some historical context for future posts.

About "Mustang Sally"...

Yes, the name is definitely an homage to the song of the same name. The reason that I like it for a character name is that it's kind of fitting with her personality and way of being. I felt that she deserved her own post, as a means of formally introducing her into the story.

I blog, therefore I am...

...likely to sleep a bit more peacefully tonight.

This is my second attempt at blogging. The first one I have (for all intents and purposes) disabled. It's kind of like an unimproved lot. It has one final post on it and that's the way it will stay. I've moved into a new space in life, so my blog needs to reflect the life change. So it goes.

I stopped blogging before for a variety of reasons, now I feel compelled to start again. Why? Let me explain...