"You Can't Live With Them..."

So starts the old saw. I don't think that it's true, but there is some truth to it right now, at least where my relationship with Sandy is concerned. It's weird really. I do love my wife... just not in the way that I used to. That may seem curious to you, but it's what is true for me. I'm going to try and recap how things got here, just so there is some historical context for future posts.

Let me restate the obvious -- I love my wife. I really do. I just don't love her the way that I used to. And as my relationship with Sandy has degraded, it becomes harder and harder to operate over the top of this.

Sandy and I met as part of a leadership program that we were in together. The funny thing is that we never really liked each other, at least at first. Then, at some point, something changed. She chose me. I was never all that secure with myself as a man, so in all candor, I was happy to be chosen. Everything went from there. She had told me that she made a list of the things that she wanted in her life partner and I pretty much matched the list she came up with. The interesting thing is that I never had such a list.

Had I made one, I doubt that she would have been on it. I'm not saying that to be mean. It's just a statement of fact for me. I was never all that attracted to Sandy, nor did I think that she was what one might call "pretty" or "beautiful". At the time, I said to myself that I really wasn't concerned with physical qualities as much as I was compatibility and the other intangibles that make for a successful relationship. So, I didn't really have a need to think about or consider whether I thought Sandy was sexy, gorgeous or whatever. It just didn't matter.

In the beginning of our relationship, we had a lot of sex. Things were good on that front. I was young, dumb and didn't know any better, so all was working out well. Hey, at least I am honest about it. I'd only had sex with three other women before her, so I didn't have a ton of experience. I did the best I could, making it up as I went along, hoping that it would be good enough. I didn't really know what I was doing and was ashamed to admit it. Worse yet, I didn't get any specific feedback from my partners to let me know what was/wasn't working. Now you understand about the "young and dumb" comment.

Over the course of time, we started having sex more infrequently, to the point where we didn't have sex at all for very long periods of time. When we would have sex, it was either when she was drinking (or drunk) OR when I would press the issue. Needless to say, I would take the opportunity when presented, but it wasn't truly satisfying for either of us. If you've never been with someone who just laid there and dutifully took part in a sex act, consider yourself lucky. I know what that's like and it's not a good thing. It makes not getting any not seem all that bad.

Through the "dry period", I stayed true to my wedding vows and lived a life of celibacy. I did this for many years, despite opportunities to have sex with women that I was very attracted to. In fact, Sandy gave me permission (at one point) to "do what I needed to do, just be safe about it" (and don't flaunt it). Why? She knew that this was important to me, but she had absolutely zero libido (much of it a physiological effect of aging). Interestingly enough, this offer was never (formally) revoked.

At the time, I decided not to do anything about it, because I felt that it would cause more complications than it was worth. This continued for about 10 years. Yes, you read it right, about 10 years! In January 2010, I had finally had enough. This lack of attention had finally gotten bad enough that I could no longer take it. Our interpersonal relationship had deteriorated enough where I knew we were headed towards getting divorced, so I decided that I would  no longer pay the price. I would find someone to have a healthy sexual relationship with and move forward with my life. That's when I met Sally.

Unfortunately, the way that I am telling this part of our story, it would seem that the core issue here is sex. The truth is that it's not. Yes, it is one of the core issues, but there is more behind the scenes that is driving this. If it were just about the sex, it could probably be recovered. The sexual element is just the most visible of the symptoms.

Over the past months (since meeting Sally), I brought up all the issues and we have started moving forward with the process of decoupling. Much of the ground work is done, but much remains to be done. The thing that I keep in mind about all of this is, as I said in the beginning, that I still love my wife. I want her to be happy and successful. I am intent on seeing her fulfill her life. Nothing about that will change; the mechanics of our relationship will.

How this will all unfold remains to be seen. In the end, I am intent that we will remain strong partners and advocates for each other, regardless of our marital status. Only time will tell if that turns out to be true.