The More Things Change...

... the more things stay the same. At least that's the way the old saying goes. Given my current circumstances, that very well may be true. It's been another strange 24 hours. Just when I think that I have some idea of what the hell is happening, something changes.

After we came to our "agreement" yesterday, Sally went home and promptly imploded under the stress and strain she's been feeling. Yes, I am a significant contributor to that, I know. I am not unaware of this. I digress.

She told me about all the stuff she had going on, all of the expectations and all of the responsibilities. If I tried to do what she does, I'd be half dead too... but, you know, it's not my place to judge how much she does or doesn't do. A person can only address that for themselves.

I had dinner with a good friend last night and then we went to an event for a little while. I'd actually gotten wind of her meltdown via a comment that she made on social media outlet. Didn't do anything at the time... decided to let sleeping dogs lie (I just love cliches sometimes, LOL). Towards the end of the event, I sent her a text message and asked her how she was doing. She responded with what I expected -- not good. At this point, I recognized the value of disengaging and did.

It wasn't too long after that when my friend and I decided to leave. He wanted to head out to a bar with some others and I just wasn't up to it. I thought it could be fun, but after the past few days, I wasn't in any shape to have an extended night out. Just not in the cards.

About the time I start driving home, I get an email from Sally. She reiterated the earlier points she'd been making and said that she was considering canceling going on the trip next week because of  it. I thought it was fortunate that I was headed home. When I got back to the office, I turned my IM on to find that she was online and working. I told her that I was going to respond to her email. And respond I did.

I basically laid everything out in a way that was as clear as I could muster. It  took me over two hours to craft that and I think it was time well spent. I did have some things to think about and consider how best to say a few things. I'm very proud of what I wrote to her. It was clear, unambiguous and balanced. I got a change to say some very important things to her.

Of course, the problem with this is that just because I wrote it doesn't mean that she actually got the point that I was trying to make. That's always a hazard and I told her as much at the start. I didn't feel that it was a complete saying of what needed to be said, but was a very good starting point. Depending upon what she thought about what I wrote and how she'd react would prompt other questions and comments from me. So, indeed, for me, this represented a start of the discussion -- not an end.

I went to bed late and got up just a little late... allowed myself that little indulgence today. I needed it, really. When I checked  my phone this AM, I found neither a text message from her or a response mail. I knew she got it. No doubt. That's one thing that I am very clear about. We don't miss or mess up on the electronic communication very often. No, when it comes to us, it's pretty reliable. I knew she'd read it.

I signed on to IM this morning and she was already at work (indeed, a bad sign). She told me that she got the note, but that there was really not much more to say. At this point, I was like "OK, time for a phone call". I called her and told her that there really was. I started having a conversation with her about the mail content, but it wasn't moving. In a battle of views, no one wins. She ended the call by telling me how tired she was and how out of it she felt. At that point, again I decided that the best course of action was to retreat.

I also felt compelled to acknowledge that her "I don't know" (about a future with me) is likely a "no" in disguise. OK, I can take a hint. So, I did. I also acknowledged that perhaps I had now reached a point where I had gone over another line -- just pursuing what I want and losing sight of the bigger picture. That I hadn't been adequately considering her needs in all of this. That's when it hit me. I'm done. I knew that I'd gone as far as I could. At the end of the phone call, I said something like "OK, I'll leave you to it then. Bye" and hung up the phone.

The next thing I did was go on to the dating site where I originally met Sally and started updating my profile. I completed it. I added a photo (with the face blacked out), added a voice memo for someone to listen to and updated all the text and bio info. I also changed my user name to something more fun and edgy than it was before... something that Sally would actually take great pleasure in seeing, if I were to actually tell her about it. No, I am not going to do that. I'm not adding any stress there, thank you very much.

Well, I sat there in retreat mode, until she starts IM-ing me again. She started telling me about some conversations that she'd been having about me with someone else and at a party she was at the other night where she actually brought up the conversation about leaving Ranger Rick to her girlfriends. Well, I about fell off my office chair. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Then, shortly after, she wraps this up nice and neat with she knows she isn't able to do that. Very conflicted this one is.

The next thing that she tells me is that she didn't want me to give up on her, but would understand if I did. I told her what was true for me. I'm not giving up, not even close. I am giving up pushing. I don't know how far or how hard to push really. I out here in unfamiliar territory and there's only one thing that I know how to do -- ask for what I want. If I'm told "no", then I'll ask for something else that I want. I also made it clear that I will always want to have sex with her... it will ALWAYS be on my mind and something I will ask her for.

At that point, she needed to sign off of IM and go handle some business. It was all very confusing. I don't know what to make of it. Part of me says "give up, start trolling for new fish in the sea", part of me says "hang on, it's not over till it's over". She hasn't officially canceled the trip yet and hasn't told me not to show up. I still need to close that loop with her, but not right at this moment. I won't likely do that until late in the weekend... when some of the other stressful stuff starts to disappear. I certainly don't want to poke and prod at an open sore. Not smart, eh?

I get the sense that I am standing at a crossroads -- I'm not planning on choosing which way to go yet, but it's likely to occur soon. I need to look around a little bit and see what's what.

I think I also need to be somewhat cautious. Why? Well, over the past few days, in getting all of this stuff up on the table for discussion, I think that the "panic" around losing Sally has finally subsided. There's a sense of calm that I have about it all. It's kinda eerie/scary, really. Half detached, really. Almost like an observer of my own life. That's the best way I can describe it for now.

I don't want to find myself in a situation where things suddenly become unbalanced again. I can't take another week of not being productive. That's the last thing that I need now, pending the formal separation from Sandy. In fact, I need to increase my cash position substantially to make this work.

Ugh. More stress for me.

No, I really don't love my life right now. Like I said, "the more things change..." :-)