One of the things that has been very fulfilling has been my relationship and sex life with Sally. In fact, it's one of the things that dynamited me out of being stuck in my relationship with Sandy.
This isn't an easy topic to think about for me. Not even close. In fact, of all the things that I've been considering what to write about, this is the one that I've felt most uncomfortable about.
With this said, it's time to dig in...
Perhaps a few questions to start that will prime the pump for my thinking (no pun intended):
- What is the place of sex in my life?
- What do I want from my sex life?
Historical Context
I wasn't sexually active until I joined the military and was on Active Duty. In fact, I didn't lose my virginity until my last year in the service. I had sex (and lost my virginity) with a prostitute during a liberty in a foreign country. Needless to say, while it seemed to be a success at the time (being a macho guy and all), I came to really see it as a huge failure and ended up feeling very ashamed about it for a long time.
Once I was discharged, I dated just a little bit and ended up having sex with (essentially) three other women -- one of those being Sandy. To say that I am relatively inexperienced sexually isn't really an exaggeration. It's not like I have no experience, but I am not Mr. Worldly Wise either.
One of the complicating factors during this period of time (prior to being married) was that I was very insecure about who I was, both as an adult and as a man. The whole prostitute thing was kind of what sealed the deal for me. It did nothing to increase my confidence or self worth. In short, I think that whole event helped me go on to keep living my life with my head shoved up my own ass. Sorry, but it's true. I didn't really have much of an idea of how life worked or how to really relate to others. Part of it was ignorance on my part.
I didn't know what I was doing, really. Operationally speaking, I was pretending that I knew, but I really didn't. I was making it up as I went along. I was hoping that I'd learn what I needed to along the way. My partners and I seemed to have some fun while doing it, so perhaps I wasn't doing all that bad, eh? Heh. Not quite.
My second lover was a lady slightly older than me. Had a lot of stuff going on in her life. We had a period of fun together, but it ultimately imploded. She didn't know how to ask for what she wanted and I wasn't aware that anything was really off, until it was too late. I don't think we would have lasted, for a number of reasons, but I really didn't learn anything out of it that I hadn't learned already. Which means I really didn't learn squat.
My third lover was a great gal that I eventually asked to marry me. She said yes. During a trip to meet her mom and relocate her to an apartment that I'd rented for us, I found out that she was a heroin addict (IV drug user). That kinda burst the balloon on her. She was in no shape to be with anyone, let alone move. We had sex several times. I came to find out later that she was either high or suffering from withdrawal symptoms the entire time. Needless to say, I didn't learn anything about sex from her. I did learn some things about relationships and love that have stayed with me to this day.
Then I met Sandy. She is quite a bit older than me... almost a decade.We never made a big deal about the age gap. In fact, for the most part, it wasn't really an issue until just recently. At this point in the game, my relationship with her was the most adult, healthy and promising relationship I'd ever had. She told me that she'd made a list of what she wanted in a mate and that I pretty much fit that. She also had a bit of a checkered past which I will not go into, at least until it proves to be relevant.
The bottom line on it was that -- she wanted me; I wanted to be wanted.
It was good enough for me. I was happy.
Or, at least, I can say that I was happy enough!
Sexually, we were very active initially... probably the first three years of our relationship. We were together a year and a half before we got married. We tried different stuff, but I wouldn't say that there was anything edgy about our sex life. It was pretty traditional and in keeping with what little I knew. I kept hoping that I would learn something from her, but I didn't ask and I didn't know to ask. I thought that she'd tell me what she wanted. Lesson learned there, eh?
After our initial period of intense activity, the sex life rapidly dissipated from there. Probably due to the convergence of a number of factors (including some physical problems with Sandy). Needless to say, things deteriorated and stayed that way. Which, in essence, brings us to our current state.
Current State
For at least the past decade, our sex life has practically been on "deep freeze". There's occasional activity, but that's about it. I have a very high libido/drive; she does not. In fact, there's (at least partially) a biochemical cause for the lack of drive.
It turns out that when we were having sex, we'd have it about once every two months (if I was lucky). No, I am not kidding. That's the average. Some times were longer than that... rarely was it shorter. In the in-between times, I relied primarily on masturbation to deal with the sexual need. After a while, even that wasn't satisfying anymore. I got to the point where I had just about written off a functional sex life entirely.
Why? Well, it's had a pretty consistent pattern of interaction. We'd go without for a while and things would be OK. More time would pass. I would start to get more assertive about having sex. More time would pass. Finally, I would press the issue and essentially guilt her into having sex with me. So, when we finally did have sex, it was generally unsatisfying for both of us -- as it would be for anyone whose being forced or manipulated into it. A very unhealthy dynamic, to say the least.
I was also aware that her views on sex had changed over the years and that it was not as important to her as it once had been. She recognized that it was still important to me. All of this is what lead me to reaching out for another sexual partner and finding my way to Sally. I thought that I'd be able to find someone to have sex with, while letting the marriage just roll on. It's not like I don't enjoy spending time with Sandy or being around her... sex was just now not something I was going to expect from her. I would find other ways to satisfy myself.
My grandfather had a saying "there's no such thing as bad sex". Well, since he's dead, I hate to disagree with him... but I have to! It's just not so.
Until I met Sally, I really didn't have any idea what good sex was really like and it's really opened my eyes to what is possible. Part of it is mutual attraction, part of it is her teaching me some things about sex and what she enjoys and the remaining part of it is the research that I started doing on the topic.
Yes, study and research on the topic. Given I determined that I was (well, almost) completely ignorant about the subject of sex, I figured that learning a thing or two was in order. Just like I would learn about anything else that I was serious about. No, it didn't involve watching pornography all day, because that's not real. That's fake. It did involve me reading books, visiting web sites and asking questions of Sally.
As it turns out, Sally has been very open sexually during her life. She's experienced a number of things that go beyond "traditional" sex. As a result, I've been able to have a lot of conversations with her about this. There's a whole world of experience that I've been exposed to (no pun intended) that I have some sort of interest in. I'm not saying that I want to go swinging with her or be tied and beaten, but there are things that I've never thought about that deserve some thinking about. Even if those are the kind of things that "normal people" don't really consider "normal".
My sex life with Sally is off the charts good. The more I have, the more that I want. I know that she feels the same way. Which makes the nature of our relationship all that much tougher.
There was bound to be a point where all of this repressed sexual energy came to a head. Something had to move. It was just going that direction.
I think that this pretty much brings us current.
Looking Forward
I have the distinct sense that I have a lot to learn, but I also have a lot more to provide a potential sexual partner today than at any point in my life previously. I know and have practiced advanced ways of providing pleasure to my partner... and that has felt really good. Indeed, today I find that I am unable to be satisfied when my partner is not. And much of the clouds of mystery and negative associations with other than generic/ordinary sexual activity are dissipating.
I am open in ways that I have never been. At this point, I don't want to have sex with Sandy again, at least until such time as there's a new foundation to our relationship. I cannot go back to the old way of doing things. It's not workable for either of us. In fact, I think it's damaging. I just won't have that.
How this will unfold, I do not know. It may be with Sally or it may not. I don't know. That remains to be seen. One thing is sure for me -- I am going to open up this area and explore it as fully as I can. It's already altered me and the course of my life, I know that there's more to go.
The only thing that I am concerned about, at least at this point, is that I am not all that interested in sex that doesn't include love. I don't just want to partake in the physical act and not have that spiritual-emotional-connected component that love represents. I've had "just sex" with my wife and I find that it's not worth having.
There may be more for me to talk about here, which is why I decided to change the title of the post. This conversation is not done by a long shot. There's more to consider and ponder. Despite that fact, it's been very useful for me to examine sex this way. I'm positive there will be more to say... just not right at the moment.
In fact, it would be worth revisiting my original questions at the start of the post. I think that there are some answers here, but know there are many more left to consider. It's not all clear or straightforward. In fact, much of it is downright confusing. If you've never really had to really answer the question authentically for yourself, it can be quite perplexing. Where do you start? Is that all there is to say? I don't know. I guess the key is to keep asking the question and engaging.
At this point, it's still tough, but it's a little easier to talk about this.
Maybe there's hope for me yet! LOL
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