On Jealousy...

Before I met Sally, I was not a jealous person. In fact, I was pretty cavalier about the whole concept of jealousy. Now, not so much. In fact, I find now that the whole jealousy thing really grates on me. So, I'm going to explore this topic a little bit...

The only time that I can remember even getting close to being jealous was early in my relationship with Sandy. Let's look at that first.

As it turns out, Paul who was (and still is!) a good friend of mine, had invited Sandy to go skiing with him for a long weekend prior to Sandy and I started going out. By the time the weekend came, she and I had gotten serious, but didn't want to cancel the weekend trip. She had talked with Paul about it and they agreed that it would be cool for them to do that trip and nothing would happen. Needless to say, I didn't really believe it. I had no reason to doubt it, but I did anyway.

At the time, I was working for a company about an hour away from where we lived. The owner of the company had me hire a very full figured blond-haired gal to serve as our receptionist and do light office work. I was very attracted to her and I could tell that she was attracted to me. She was a recently separated single mother. So, on this weekend, I decided to "put the moves on her" and try to see what I could get to happen. My initial efforts were successful, until the owner intervened, that is.

I'm confident that she and I would have gone out to dinner, see the movie I'd suggested, and then probably headed back to her place and had a weekend full of sex. As it turns out, she was a very horny young lady. The owner knew Sandy and I had started dating and he intervened to keep me from "making a mistake". At the time, I thought it was a good thing. Seems I'll never really know, eh? ;-)

This was really the only time that I ever had any feelings of jealousy around someone that I was dating or romantically involved with. In that case, I decided that I would act and not just stand by. So, it wasn't like a whole emotional response thing. I just started working it.

As we "fast forward" to today (since I started seeing Sally, really), things are a bit different. Heh. Understatement of the damn year, I think. I knew that things would be different with her from the time we first had sex with each other. Seems like a lifetime ago, really.

Most recently, the jealousy has manifested itself in strange ways.

I met Sally for lunch earlier this week. When she drove up to the restaurant, I walked out to meet her. She was a vision of loveliness (as per usual). I met her in the parking lot and kissed her. I told her there that I wanted to take a picture of her. She said, no -- I already had enough pictures of her. I disagreed on that point and then went into the restaurant with her.

So during lunch, she starts telling me a story about what was going on that day. Turns out that she has an online friend that asked her for a very specific birthday gift -- a photo of her. She didn't say specifically what kind, but that it could range anywhere from clothed to nude (wide range, eh?). I asked her some playful questions about it and that was it.

At this point, I didn't have any problem with it. During the conversation, she didn't actually say what she was going to do about this, just a reporting of the facts. For what it's worth, I didn't have any problem with anything at this point of the conversation. Lunch finishes.

We leave the restaurant to go our separate ways and I again ask her for a picture, as most of the ones I have are fairly low resolution (think low quality, if it helps). I wanted at least a couple of photos of her that were really nice. Again, she said no. Well, hey, I tried. She doesn't want to and I will respect her wishes. I'm really good like that. I don't ask her for anything that she'd be unable to give to me (without complication).

Outside the restaurant, back at her vehicle, we talked and kissed for a few minutes. Then we both realized that we needed to go. Bummer. I was heading out on a long drive to a business meeting (~2 hours). Yes, it sucked. Really not fun. We kissed, said goodbye to each other and then departed.

All the way to my destination, she was on my mind. I thought to myself, since she didn't want me to take a picture of her, I'd ask her to "re-gift" the photo she sent to her friend. At this point, I didn't know what kind of picture it was, right? Yes, that's so. So, I sent a text message and asked her to send it to me. I told her -- "I'd take whatever you'd plan on sending". She replies and says that he'd asked for a topless picture. She followed that up by telling me, if she was going to send me one, it wouldn't be because I asked for it -- it would be her surprise to me.

So, at this point, this is where the whole jealousy thing kicked in full swing. My reaction was swift and intense. Oh my god. It was like becoming possessed by an alien life form -- I became a person I didn't recognize. Nothing about this made sense. I was trying to "use logic" to figure this out.

I had never asked her for any sort of naked photo of her! I wanted one of her in the dress she was wearing and was very explicit about that. Not only do I not get a tame photo, I don't get the other one either! For crying out loud, we have SEX with each other!!! I know what she looks and feels like naked. [Sense the emotion ramping up here, eh?]

The other thing that made matters worse for me is that she told me once that she would never take or allow a compromising picture of herself, because they could come back around at some point in a way that wasn't good. She told me this a while ago. I respected that and would NEVER ask (noting a theme here? :-) ).  So, not only am I the guy on the outside of this (not) looking in, but she's directly contradicted something that she told me long ago.  [Emotion ramps up even further...]

I sat with this the entire time I was at my meeting and on my drive home. It was very uncomfortable for me... and that is being generous. I would alternate between feeling incredibly aroused at the thought of her photo and then incredibly angry about being excluded. Yes, excluded.

Truth is that I could care less about the picture. Something just didn't feel right about it. Rather than let it go by and have it turn into some sort of issue, I decided that I was going to tell her about it. After I got home from my meeting that night, I sent her and email and told her about the jealous feelings/reaction and why I felt that way. I wasn't going to operate over the top of it. At that point, I shut down my computer and went to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning, I found that I felt embarrassed and foolish. I chided myself for saying anything. I told myself that I should have just let it go. Second guessing yourself isn't a lot of fun either.

Well, we ended up talking about it that day. I am not sorry that I brought it up. I needed her to know how I feel and I needed to know that I can tell her the stuff that makes me uncomfortable. I cannot pull my punches or operate over the top of bullshit. It's either going to be clean or it's not going to be anything.

Sally is a very open, sexual woman and I like that about her. I don't want her to change that, unless it's what she wants. I'm fine with the way that she is. She's opened me up to things and experiences that I've never had before. I want more of it -- not less!

In our talking about the situation, something was resolved that needed to be resolved and I'm happy about that. It was a good conversation for both of us.

The thing that I see about the nature of the reaction now is that there is something that I wanted from her (some unfulfilled expectation) that I didn't get. There was also something that I thought she was giving to someone else that I thought I was deserving of. It was all about what I wanted, but could not have or would not be given. It's almost a form of self-torture.

The fact of the matter is that I trust Sally completely. When all is said and done, I know whose arms she reaches for and whose bed she'll end up in. That's what really matters to me. I have no need to test her or doubt it.

These feelings of jealousy are just that. Feelings. Yes, feeling these feelings sucks, but they are my feelings. I am not going to punish myself for having them. I've given myself permission and lots of room to fully experience those feelings. I don't have to make them mean something about me, Sally or any circumstance we may have to deal with. Nor do they have to drive my actions or responses to things.

They are just feelings. They will run their course and when they're done, they will be replaced by other feelings. I will try to let them wash over me and move on. I don't know if I will ever beat these feelings. It may not be possible. I certainly will not let my feelings beat me!

And when I do get jealous, I'm going to talk about it. I'll identify the unfulfilled expectation(s) and we'll get into communication about it.

It's the healthy thing to do with those that you really love.

That's what I'm on for.