Trip Debrief - Part 1

OK. A lot happened over the past four days. More than I'd ever anticipated.

From one perspective, it was a perfect four days. From another perspective it was a complete tragedy.

Why? Let's have a look...

I guess, in the grand scheme of things, it worked as well as I could possibly expect, given the circumstances. Of course, this conclusion is bit premature, as I am still coming to grips with what happened.

I know that some of this is going to be very hard for me to write. I will likely have to think about it quite a bit and consider what it means to me. Probably edit it, edit some more and then edit the edits. Yeah, it's like that for me right now.

There are also things about the future that I will need to consider... which I have thought about a lot today. For example, how much of this do I share with future partners? Is disclosing this of any benefit? Should I keep this a secret that I take to my grave? Of course, this is for an entirely different post. Need to stop digressing and get to the meat of the matter for this post -- the trip.

About Sex
There's an obvious starting point for the week: SEX. I think I could write a novel on our days together. Now, before anyone gets scared, I am not going to post a detailed recital of what we did. Though I do feel compelled to talk about some of those aspects, so I will.

First off, we had more sex during this short period of time than either of us have ever had with any other person. So my informal total of the time that we spent together making love is roughly about 14 hours, give or take an hour or so. That's a lot of love making in the 67 hours (again, a rough estimate) that we were in the same location together -- that's about 20% of the time we were there. ~14 hours of the trip, Sally was actively engaged in meetings. When you adjust for that, it was well over 1/4 of the total time that we spent with each other.

What passes for sex for me, unlike even a year ago, isn't your average hetero, 10 minute romp in the sack. Not even close. As a matter of fact, practically every time when Sally and I have had sex, we're going for an average of 2 hours, sometimes longer. It's very intense. I'm also not boasting here either. It's a statement of fact. Even if I try to have a "quickie", we're talking at least 30 minutes. Not exactly quick, but I'm OK with that.

In fact, she asked me a question about that just the other night "how do you go for so long?". She related a story to me of a person that she knew that learned some technique for avoiding climax and she wanted to know if I was doing anything like that. She told me that she was curious because she thought it might have something to do with her that was preventing me from climax. I assured her that it was nothing like that.
My answer to her question was a simple one -- I don't know. There's nothing that I do to make that happen. It just does what it does. I've certainly got great endurance given my current physical condition and I do have pretty good understanding of when I am going to pop. So, I can be very responsible about not releasing inside of my partner without prior agreement.

So, we had sex when we first got there. Then every evening and every morning. We both had work things to do during the day, so there were no "quickies". She also had many orgasms during our time together, which I always find very satisfying.

Simply said, this was the sexual experience of a lifetime for me. Even the first time that we did this on a trip together pales in comparison. I'd never experienced anything like this before and I'm somewhat afraid that I may never again. It was that great and that intense. I find it hard to select an appropriate set of words to describe how wonderful and magical it really was for both of us.

The Ending Point
There came a point last night when we got back from dinner and had just had sex again when Sally told me that she could no longer go on with things. Unlike other times, we took the time to talk about it. I was intent on having what needed to be said get said. It wouldn't have been complete without it. Needless to say, I am clear that we have very different views on living life and she is set on hers. So be it. That's her choice. That being said, I wasn't going to just roll over. I knew that I was going to ask her questions and find out what was what.

Yesterday morning, I did just that. We talked about a lot of different things, but then came the point where she talked to me about what it was like for her to live her life torn between two worlds. This conversation was different than the others... or maybe I was different. I don't know. Either way, I heard her in a way that I hadn't heard her before. She shared with me the stark contrast about what it's like being with me and what's it's like to go back and be with her "family" and "her friends".

Part of what she shared was about the tremendous level of guilt and very negative self-assessments that are associated with her relationship with me. That she wanted to have it both ways, but knows that she cannot, given her choice is to stay with her husband. This is a man that she fully acknowledges she will never love as much or as fully as he loves her... and she currently plans to spend the rest of her natural life with him.

The question came up that I had asked before -- which is worse: dealing with the pain of living life without me or living the double life and the pain that goes with that? Well, for now, I'm pretty clear what that answer is -- the version of her life that doesn't include me in that way.

I really did clearly get a sense about how much she had been suffering over our relationship. In that moment, it became clear that I couldn't stand for that any more. I knew that I had to go away. I didn't give it a second thought... and it hurt like hell. A whole part of what literally gave me a new lease on life was now coming to an end.

It was so tough watching her leave the hotel room yesterday, knowing that our relationship would never be the same again. I know it was hard for both of us.

Still, I couldn't bear to see that continue. If I had, I knew that it would just be my petty desires and selfishness getting in the middle of something I knew to be "right". No one that really loves someone would do something that knowingly is a source of suffering for the person they love. This was one of those cases. The right thing for me to do was to be true to my promise to her and step away of my own accord. I did just that.

There were a lot of things I had the chance to say to her before she left and I am glad that I did. Unlike previous partings, this one wasn't full of the angst that the others were. I knew where I stood on things and something had been resolved that helped make the path forward clear. No, it wasn't what I wanted, but it was certainly clear.

I stayed long enough in the room, after she left, to be on a conference call for work and then headed back home. The trip back home was not good, but that's not anything to do with Sally, really... and suitable for another post.

When I got home, I made a conscious decision to have a party with two old friends last night -- Ben and Jerry. :-)  Yes, copious amounts of hot fudge were involved. No, I don't plan on making it a habit.

We started exchanging some IM last night and that's where I shall pick up with my next post...