Futures With Sally [Updated]

If I had one wish, do you know what that would be?
I would wish for Sally to just say "I want to be with you for the rest of my life. How do we make that work out?"

The truth is that I'd be a seriously happy guy. The problem is that things aren't working like that with us. Here's where things are at.

As it stands, I am able to be more myself with her than I ever was able to before. I found that when we split up the last time, something changed for me. I really did complete my relationship with her. The fact is that I was very much dependent upon the form of our relationship. I needed her in a way that wasn't healthy for either of us.

I was willing to turn myself inside-out to keep things "happy" and keep from "losing her". If that meant saying sorry for something that I didn't do, I'd do that. If that meant doing something I didn't want to do, I'd do it anyway. I thought that my happiness was tied to her like that. The thing that I saw about it when we broke up was that I wasn't doing either of us any good with that behavior.

During our reconciliation, I came to develop a new basis on which to be related to her. I was intent that she know, love and appreciate me for who I am -- all of it. If she couldn't do that, then that's fine. I wouldn't have a problem with moving on or letting her go. It wasn't about keeping something in place. It would be about having a very adult (as in mature) relationship.

I told her once we resumed our physical relationship that I was more able to be myself around her than I'd ever been before. That was an important milestone for me... actually, for both of us.

Part of what makes the transition with Sandy hard is that I am caught between two worlds. I don't want to stay with Sandy, really. I know that Sally (at least as I write this), isn't ready to choose me over Ranger Rick. In fact, with the passage of time, I confront the hard reality that this isn't a likely scenario.

Of course, it seems to me that I am using the word "confront" a little bit too often for my tastes these days. If I "confront" much more, I'll probably scream and break down crying. It gets like that sometimes. I'm just sayin'. It's also an "of course" that I don't know what the future holds. I don't know how things will work out. Not even close. So an undefined future at this point is of little consolation to me. In fact, it almost makes things worse.

So, when I become a "bachelor" again, I fully expect that I will (literally) be alone. What will I do then? Yes, I'll live, but I've never been really alone for an extended period of time for almost two decades. I must confess that this is very scary. I guess it's also part of the problem. I don't know what I'm about... of course, that's a different post.

Sally has made it clear to me that she would not want to have me date (let alone have sex with) other women. This even applies to Sandy. She gets very jealous, even when it comes to my wife. You can say that it doesn't make sense, but it really does. It's not rational. It's not reasonable. Those are not the standards I'm talking about. It's an emotional thing. Consider my last post as the case in point.

Just as a little back story, when Sally and I first started seeing one another, we both agreed that having sex with our spouses was not going to be "off limits". That would be cruel and unreasonable punishment for the spouse. If there was a "good thing" about it, it was that this was not a very likely occurrence, as neither spouse seemed to be all that sexually active... which is kind of what led us to each other in the first place.

I noticed that I had a little bit of jealousy where Ranger Rick was concerned. Heck, if I didn't, I think that would be abnormal. Nothing against the guy personally. So, to expect Sally not to react or become jealous would be completely unreasonable for me. No, I kind of expect it. We each have to deal with the effects of the jealousy and resolve it for ourselves. You can't do that for another.

Back to the story here. I'm seriously digressing tonight. Damn.

Fast forward and find myself alone. What would I expect myself to do? Well, not sit around pining for what I've lost or what I can't have. There would have to be a point where I would start trying to date again. I want to have some sort of sex life. Having woken that part of myself up, trying to avoid it isn't exactly what I had in mind. Of course, there's a catch.

The catch is that I could not, in good conscience anyway, date other women and not tell Sally. It's just not in my DNA to do that. I wouldn't want to do that. The hard part is that if I started trying to date, then I might lose Sally altogether. I know that she doesn't want to share me with another woman. What is the logical outcome of any sign of "extracurricular activity" -- she dumps me and continues on with her life as is.

The other thing for me to consider is to revoke my promise to her to not ask her to make a choice between Ranger Rick and I... and then have her choose. While she has entertained a whimsical thought or two on a possible future together with me, that doesn't seem adequate enough foundation to overcome the mountain of evidence called "I will never leave my husband. I am married to my best friend." That's a pretty steep hill to climb. If I did that, what is the logical outcome -- she dumps me and continues on with her life as is.

Gee. Let's recap things, to see if I can distill it down nice and neat:

• Me: All risk; little apparent upside, as life is turned upside down
• Her: Little risk; little apparent downside, as life goes back to "normal"

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I'd blame her for making her choice in the matter. She's got obligations and people depending upon her. She has a (relatively) good thing going with Rick -- at least it's safe. There's no compelling reason to "upset the apple cart". It would be logical to cut things off with me and accept things with Rick the way that they are today.

Of course, it may seem like I am just making the case for why I am going to get dumped OR even a case for why I should just stop this now. In fact, as I read over this, it seems that this would be a pretty reasonable course of action.

Unfortunately, that's not me. I'm a bit of a slow moving object... and I am in love. Yes, I am in love and nothing will/can change that. When we had our split, I seriously prayed for that. I wanted that to not be true. I didn't want to love her anymore. Nope. No such luck. No matter how bad I felt, I was always present to the love that I felt for her.

It's also true that when I am with her (even when fully clothed) I am happy. She is a source of brightness in my life. Her presence makes me feel good. Knowing that she thinks of me makes me feel good. She makes me want to be a better man.

Ultimately, this means that I will see this through to it's logical (or perhaps illogical?) conclusion.

In the end, I have to come to grips with the fact that it's extremely likely I will not get what I want. I will find myself alone. I will  find myself loving this woman and unable to have her in my life until the day I die. And I will also have to deal with the consequences of the choices that I am making.

There's only a faint light of hope on the other side. It seems so distant that it's hard to believe it's shining at all.

Then again, maybe that faint light is that of an oncoming train...