Sowing The Seeds Of Reasonable Doubt? [Updated]

So I have a tendency to over-think things at times, OK? I know that. At the same time, I am also fairly intuitive. I know when something is up; when it's not right. I got that sense today from Sally.

So, we set a time to be together next week and then we were just chatting for a bit. She decided that she was going to take a nap this afternoon, but before she left she asked me if I knew how much she loved me?

Normally, I'd have said something banal like "yes"or "no"... you know, not very creative. Just acknowledge it. Today wasn't a normal day. I asked her the question -- how much? So far, so good. I thought it would be nice to actually ask and be a little playful about it.

She responded by telling me that it was a lot. Then she told me it was more than she should. Really? More than she should?

That comment really took me by surprise and had me scratching my head for a second. So I queried her and asked her the equivalent of "you're serious? more than you should? what kind of answer is that?"

Because what started off as an innocent enough comment just fell flat on its face and I fell down right behind it. It just kinda sucked the wind out of my sails. And it got me thinking. No, actually, it didn't. What it did do was start me doubting.

I started wondering whether I was just blindly carrying on, in the hope that something would work out for us. I started wondering whether or not I was just fooling myself in thinking that there is really a future that includes the two of us. I found that it started me off down the path of sowing the seeds of doubt.

She followed up on my comment and asked me if I was upset about what she said. The truth is that I wasn't upset about it, but I did find it an odd way to answer the question, given the way that she had started it off. It was as though there was some thought in the background that was unsaid, but was communicating loud and clear.

Maybe I am reading too much into things. Maybe there isn't something in the background... I just don't know. Maybe this was as good as a shot a she could take at telling me how much she loved me at this point. I don't know. It's also one of those things that I recognize that I may never really have an answer for.

After I finished my last post on last nights events, I thought that I should write an e-mail to Sally that was a "Goodbye forever" post. It would be used at whatever point some dissolution of our relationship came to pass. I'm more motivated than ever to write that mail. Why? Well, I think it'll help me stay centered about what I am and am not willing to have be a part of my relationship with Sally.

I am at a point where, at least to a certain extent, I have mentally moved on. I realize that sounds a bit heartless, but it's really kind of true. I don't want to move on, but I don't have a whole lot of say about it either. I have grieved enough and made my peace with her such that, if we go our separate ways, I know that I will be OK. I may not be happy about it, but I won't go into the crapper like I have in the past. No, that's not going to get repeated any time soon.

I cannot say the same for her. It's likely going to be much tougher for her. She's talked about how much she needs me in her life and how she hates needing anyone. Despite that fact, I cannot make that better for her. She's going to go through whatever she goes through that goes along with the choices we make.

Indeed, the choice point that I spoke of in my last post is looming. It's (literally) a point of no return. There's no way that I can prevent it from coming to be -- even if I am the one who is going to be forced to make the choice.

Here's the thing:

• I don't need to have everything worked out about the future in 24 hours, but I do kinda need to have a sense of what a future might look like. What is and isn't possible.
• I do need to have a sense of who I am for her. Is this period right now just an "interim phase" where she just gets to feel okay about herself and what she's in or is there something more to this than that? In other words, am I just the bed warmer? A convenience? At this point, I am not sure.
• I do need to understand some more about how she intends to move forward with things. Will she be talking with Ranger Rick again anytime soon? What will that be about? She's said that he thinks it's his fault and he can fix it. She's told him that it's not that simple and there's nothing for him to fix.
• To what extent will she try to placate Ranger Rick, given this period of uncertainty where he's upping his intention and making a play to fix things between them. Will she actually have sex with him again, despite having successfully actively avoiding that for quite a long time? No kidding. She's actually not had sex with Rick, because she didn't want to have sex with anyone but me. That's serious stuff.
• She told me that I was the first man that she really wanted to be faithful to and have a monogamous relationship with. Very curious, given the nature of our relationship. I've really honored that and appreciate her candor.
  
• At the same time, I cannot (nor do I have any right to) stop her, nor could I begrudge either of them for "doing it". We talked about this early on in our relationship. It's unreasonable to expect someone to do otherwise.
• Knowing these things doesn't minimize the impact on me. I know that it would drive me nuts (and fuel my unreasonable jealousy) and have me draw some pretty serious conclusions about where things between us stand.

This doubt stuff really sucks.

What I am thinking about may be very insightful OR it just may be me demonstrating how full of shit I am. At this point, I cannot tell.

There are more conversations to have. More things to think about. I guess I know what I'll be doing with my Friday night.

The key points I have to think of right now are these:

• I am not afraid of the consequences of my actions.
• I am unwilling to sell my soul, just to have sex on a semi-regular basis. 
• I am willing to lose it all to have it all.

There's no need to turn back now. Indeed, I can't.

Even if I could, I wouldn't.

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Post Script

As I was driving over to my new "home" today, I started reflecting on the conversation. Ultimately, what I found was bothering me was that the way that I took the comment had me feel cheap and less than worthy. I don't think she intended that, but it's how it landed with me. And the feeling has kind of stuck.