Remember that I said that I wasn't a betting man? Heh. It's a good thing.
Yesterday was a very interesting day.
Sally and I had our lunch.
It didn't turn out anything like I thought it would.
Somewhere in a previous post I talked about how different it is when Sally and I actually communicate with each other. Yesterday was a great example of that.
I arrived at the restaurant first. I was early by about 15 minutes (which is normal for me), so I sent her a text message and told her that I was there and to show up when ready -- no rush. I decided I'd check my social media accounts and e-mail, as that would surely burn up some time! ;-) It did. Sally arrived and walked in the door as I went to respond to an e-mail that had just come in. Rather than be all "cool and collected" (which I was neither, LOL), I saw her out of the corner of my eye and just started turning the phone off. She met me at the chair where I was sitting and I asked her "Lunch?". She smiled and we went to get seated.
She'd been there before, so she new exactly where she wanted to be and what to ask for. We got seated and settled, the waitress brought menus and took our drink orders. Without much ceremony, I asked "OK, you now have my full attention". The translation there is what do you want to talk about. As you may recall from my previous post, I was ready to walk in and get my nuts ripped off and shoved down my gullet like a Thanksgiving turkey.
As it turns out, she didn't really have any specific thing that she wanted to say to me or a real plan about how to use the lunch. She noted, after my last e-mail response to her, that she was tired of sending e-mails back and forth and she wanted to talk. I always prefer the talking bit, for reasons that I've outlined elsewhere. I was very glad to hear this. She may not have known where to start, so given the opening, I took it! I started asking her questions, which prompted her to say some things.
The conversation went a lot of different directions. We talked about her, me, Ranger Rick, her son, Sandy, the past, the future, what we want, etc. It was really great and it was not easy. No gimme here. It required a high degree of intention to keep things moving. So much ground was covered. We had the chance to say a lot of important things to each other.
We were seated in a pretty large booth and we sat across from each other. The table was very big. You could easily have seated five adults in that booth. You can get that we weren't on top of each other... not even close. We spent most of the conversation this way. Finally, we got to a point where it started really getting dicey and I was talking with her about how we had different ideas of what was next for her.
At this point, I decided I was going to slide my ass around and be near her. The only thing between her and I was her purse. I wasn't about to start messing with that. :-) She told me that she was starting to feel uncomfortable being that close to me. I chuckled a little and said that there are lots of things that make you uncomfortable, this isn't a problem.
We continued talking and we both stayed with the conversation. Then, at some point, she did exactly like she did on our second date -- she reached over, kissed me and wouldn't let go. She kind of melted into my arms and I just held her there in this restaurant booth. I wasn't going to put up any fuss. I was very, very happy about this. We talked about how much we loved each other. At some point after this, she (in about a minute) said exactly who I was for her in our relationship. It was very moving.
At this point, I was clear that we'd come through something and had gone to a new level. I don't know how or why, but I knew that it was true. Something opened up that wasn't open before. We did kiss a little more, but for the most part I just held her and we talked quietly to each other.
Once we reached a point where we were done with lunch, we got her a to-go box for her leftovers and left the building. I carried her lunch and escorted her out to her vehicle. She opened the door, turned to me and I took her into my arms and kissed her. I pulled off her sunglasses and placed them on the top of the vehicle and then just kept kissing her and holding her. We both got extremely turned on by this. I told her that I wanted to take her right there and then. Unfortunately, her schedule didn't allow that, but she told me that she was very ready to do that.
We talked a few moments more and then I sent her off on her way back to work. I was going to have a long drive to my next appointment and I just sat in my car for a moment and thought about what had just happened.
Part of me was disappointed because I feel like I failed. I feel like I failed her and in the process I failed myself. I told her that I would honor her wishes. I told her that I would support her and I did try! I really did. I didn't like it, but I did anyway, because that's how much I care for her.
Part of me is elated because, as I told her at lunch, every day every ounce of my being screams that I should never stop fighting to have her. It took a lot of self-restraint to keep from acting on that. It was probably a good thing, as it would have just made things more stressful for both of us.
In the end, the thing that is true is that we both want and need each other. We don't feel whole without the other. We are constantly thinking of each other and we are more than just friends. We love each other deeply and we want to be with each other. She told me several times over the past few days that she regretted having that Sunday night conversation and wished it never happened.
Over the past days, she's gotten to be quite philosophical with the stuff she's been sending out via social media. After we left each other yesterday, she sent out a comment saying the equivalent of that she was happy that she could finally breathe again. She never mentioned me once, but I knew instantly that she was talking about me and what happened between us that day.
And one of the last things that she posted last night was a quote "you may not always end up where you thought that you were going, but you will always end up where you were meant to be". I think that just about summed it all up for me.
This isn't to say that we've had the last word on this -- not even close. There is still much unknown and yet to be resolved. There's nothing easier about any of it, except that I know she's not going anywhere and she knows the same about me. There will still come a point where she is going to have to make a choice. Choose me or choose to stay in what's comfortable. I want her to come to her own conclusion about what to do.
At the same time, I've now told her explicitly that I cannot wait for her forever. I am not writing a "blank check" to just hold out for a future with her that may never come. I cannot do that. So, my actions will eventually prompt her to make that decision, but I know that right now it is too early for her to do so. The choices that she will have to make will affect a lot of lives, as mine are having now. It's not neutral.
In the meantime, I can't wait to be with her again. She'll be going away for a few days over the Thanksgiving break to see her family. I'm very much looking forward to her return.
I may yet get to use the costume that I purchased for her! :-)
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