To say that this has been a thoroughly screwed week would not be an exaggeration. While there have been some OK portions to it, most of it has truly sucked. I am very sincere about that. I haven't even gotten to today yet... still catching up from earlier in the week.
So, Monday was supposed to be the day that Sally and I would be together again. Obviously, that never happened. Sunday night everything melted down. Monday and Tuesday were rough for both of us. By the time Wednesday came around, we were both pretty weary.
She and I started off the morning on IM rather down, but good with each other. I had been crediting myself on my superior powers of observation -- using all available intuition (and an Ouija board, whenever readily accessible) to determine what things were happening "over there" (i.e. with Sally). Well, I found that her stress level seemed to be increasing and she started sending very ominous messages about what she could/couldn't deal with.
Then she sent me the text message saying that a social media comment I'd made about how stressed I was and that I would have to exercise extra hard to even begin to take the edge off put her over the edge. That she didn't want to feel like this any more and if this was what it was like to be in love with someone, she'd never want to feel like that again.
OK. By now, dear reader, I'm pretty sure you recognize this as my sign to get into action. Yep, I am that predictable. I sent her two emails and placed two calls asking her to not give up. I find out (again via social media) that she has left work and gone home to have her meltdown. At this point, she has been unresponsive for several hours. Since then, she has also said that she's about to do something that is reactive in nature and then a second message on her blog saying that she's going to turn it private.
So what we have here are a string of clues that are building a case in my mind that she's going to unplug and call it quits altogether. She had an appointment that evening and then sent me a cryptic text message in the middle of it saying that we both have to protect and take care of ourselves right now. I said a number of things back to her and the response was very short. From there, no more communication.
At this point, I figure that I've gotten all the signs that I needed to know that the eject handle has been pulled. She's out of here for good. As all this is going along, I am getting more and more pissed off and self-righteous about the whole thing. Ultimately resulting in the drafting of the e-mail that I sent to her that night. I figured that I'd "do the right thing" and walk away. She wants and needs space, I would give it to her. I mean, seriously. If I am that disruptive and dangerous to be around, then I shouldn't be around at all.
In the middle of it, I think to myself (the equivalent of ), "you know, you still have those two things that you wanted to talk with her about, you might as well add those in too". I decide this is a good idea and then expand the letter to include this. I review and revise the note. Then I do it some more. I read it again and revise some more. Finally, I'm confident that it says what I want it to, so I push the send button with the confidence that goes along with bringing a chapter to a close.
I awake on Thursday AM to two voice messages from Sally. I need to get showered, dressed and depart for an AM meeting that day 1.5 hours away, so I get right on that. In the interim, she calls me two more times and then text messages me twice, asking me to contact her. By this time she's read (and continuing to re-read) the note several times.
On the way out the door, I text her and tell her that I am now available for the next 2.5 hours. She calls back almost instantly and that's when it starts. We had a knock down, drag out fight. We talked about everything that was bothering her and me about this whole situation and then some. As it turns out, we went on for almost three hours total. In the process of it, we both admitted things that didn't work for us, things where we were wrong and directly confronted that we could either decide to work through this or write our entire relationship off.
During one of the gaps in talking, we had a heated text message exchange where I told her that I wasn't willing to do that and I wanted to work through it and come to a new place. If she decided to do that, that was her choice. I wasn't willing to do that and that if she felt she needed to and/or blame me for it, then so be it. I'd accept that. She called back and we started talking some more.
We got to a place at the end of this where we both acknowledged what was true for us. We have loved and still love each other more than any other person we've ever known. We are more than friends to each other and there's no way that we could ever pretend that the other doesn't exist. Neither of us like the thought of the other being with someone else, but our current circumstances don't allow for anything else.
In fact, I pledged to actively support her in coming to a resolution on her relationship with Ranger Rick, regardless of how I felt about it. I told her that the senior commitment in my life (where she was concerned) was to see that she lived a happy and fulfilling life. Period. And if that meant I wouldn't get what I wanted and would have to completely walk away from her, I would do that willingly. I wouldn't like it, but I would do that for her.
While this has provided some measure of relief for her (in resolving the duality that she felt, because of our relationship), it's not resolved everything. In fact, she was actively questioning today whether she was doing the right thing, because it was so hard. She's going to have a long block of time alone with Rick until they leave on a trip for the Thanksgiving holiday, but isn't necessarily happy about that because she still feels conflicted about being with him and there is no real plan to mark the way forward to a resolution.
I told her that I was proud of her and thought that she was courageous for taking this on to see it get resolved, but I know that she doesn't feel that way about herself. If she really follows this through to it's natural conclusion, she'll either come to a new place with Rick or she'll decide that it's time to move on and make the change. If not, it'll be exactly how she described it -- the cowards way out. Staying in the middle of something that isn't working anymore and just dying a little each day (rotting in place) isn't something that I can support her in doing.
In the end, we want each other to be happy and we are on for that, regardless of the price that either of us might have to pay to see that realized. We are going into this knowingly and will see it through. Exactly what our relationship is isn't clear yet. In fact, it may be a long time before it is. We're not lovers any more, but we're certainly more than friends -- we do love one another with all of our heart. That will make this period both challenging and rewarding at the same time.
I almost lost the most important person in my life right now, because I placed my faith in my perception of what was happening -- a perception that was as far off the mark as it could possibly be. I took actions that were wrong based on this misperception and a my desire to satisfy my own needs. I didn't think it through and that was wrong. I didn't deal with this in a way that was consistent with the actions one would take with someone that they loved. It was more about giving up on someone than being generous.
Fortunately, we worked our way through the mess and go to the other side of it. Something was resolved that had us be able to see our way to start taking our relationship to the next level. We're now actively working that and I am pleased about it.
That does not mean that I won't grieve or be unhappy about it for some time. I know I will, but the thing that I do know is that we are in this for the long haul.
We will communicate with each other.
We will not assume things.
We will address the things that are bothering us directly with the other.
We will be there for each other when we are needed.
We will find a new way to love each other and express that love appropriately.
Why?
Not because we are obligated to, but because we want to.
Because that's what people who love each other do for each other.
We are both happy that this was resolved.
There is hope for "us" yet... whatever the hell "us" means! LOL
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