The Mediator And A Wake Up [Long Posting]

Wow. Another intense 24 hours... well, actually less than 12 at this point. Damn. This is just wearing me out. I'm actually cursing a lot, but not actually writing it down -- purely for your benefit, dear reader. It doesn't add anything (except when it does, I will) and it just helps my emotions stay ramped up. I know that it's all based in reaction and I hate reacting. I know I do it, I watch for it and try to avoid doing it, but there are times I will anyway. The real key is how long it takes to recover myself when I do. That period decreases consistently over time -- I am taking ground with it. Now, on to the last 12 hours...

The Mediator
Given our lives are currently moving on divergent paths, Sandy wanted to have us see a lawyer to have formal separation papers created and filed. I shall refer to her as "Legal Linda". Linda has been a lawyer and focused on divorce and family law for 35 years. For the past 5 years, she has focused her practice on mediation and arbitration, in addition to traditional services as counsel to persons getting divorced. In addition, she's also developing a portion of her practice on "therapist" services.

As a result, it was a unique meeting for all three of us. We engaged her in her mediator/arbitrator capacity, not solely as legal counsel... certainly not as a therapist/counselor (let alone as a hypnotherapist, which she also is).

I doubt that she's ever really dealt with folks like us before. Why?

• We didn't walk in trying to skewer the other party (drama factor was non-existent)
• We are still good friends and do love each other
• We already have done the work to decide who gets what and how things will get split and managed
• We pretty much had identified what we wanted when we walked in the door 

So, the initial meeting period was a bit awkward for both parties. Obviously, there was a certain amount of due diligence that she needed to do to get where we were at. When she figured out that we weren't the standard client, she implicitly shifted over to "counselor mode". Walking through different things that we might do to address some of the issues that we identified as part of our split. There was a lot of round-and-round in this -- a whole lot more than either Sandy or I really wanted to have to deal with.

While there was a certain level of annoyance with it, she did manage to bring up an important question that neither Sandy or I had effectively addressed yet -- "What are your 'deal breakers'?" In other words, what are the things that you want in the relationship that you cannot go on without. My reply was very short and sharp -- "I don't know. That's a very worthwhile question for us to consider". And I was being completely sincere about that. She and I really hadn't considered that before. It's something that we likely want to do. Why?

Well, we have three options available to us:

• Written agreement/contract (unenforceable in court)
• Legal separation
• Divorce 

What the difference is on the last two is a check box on the actual form. The paperwork and the filing fees are the same.

At this point, we've both agreed that we need to do the thinking required to answer the question and then compare our answers. I don't think it's going to change anything substantially, at least in terms of the direction we're headed, but it might accelerate things. We just might decide to check the divorce box instead of the separation box. I can very easily see us doing that.

I've got enough chops at this that I don't intend to use any more of my money on the lawyer. I'll take my crack at writing the agreement based upon the boilerplate that I already have access to. We'll come to an agreement and that should be about it. We can do the filing ourselves and just move on to what's next.

I cannot say "no muss, no fuss" because it's a significant departure from how we had planned the rest of our lives to go. How it unfolds from here is anyone's guess. Again, as I am so fond of saying, only time will tell.

What I Woke Up Into Today
I wouldn't say I woke up into a funk, but it wasn't far from it. I woke up into two separate thoughts:

1. The question Linda asked.
2. Thinking about Sally

The question Linda asked 
I know when I am annoyed by something -- it haunts me until its resolved. The question that Linda asked us is definitely haunting me. It's been on my mind almost constantly since. I've talked about it with a few people since, but haven't reviewed my issues list, which will be my source for inputs to this "deal breakers" list.

The other thing that is interesting is that Sandy and I have not actually used the word "divorce" to each other yet. It's implied in the background (and I've been thinking a lot about it), but hasn't been an explicit part of our conversation yet. Looks like with the creation of these lists and the discussion that comes from them, it'll be part of what we do talk about.

The truth is that I don't think things are recoverable between us. It's interesting that I haven't said that to her yet. I think that I've been holding out hope that I might have a last minute change of heart and ask her to reconcile. Maybe it's just that I am really scared to consider that this really is the end. It gives me the shivers when I think of it.

Who I am as a person (and a man) is so intertwined with who we are as a couple, it feels like I am committing suicide -- taking an action which is final, irreversible, terminal. Note the "death" related themes here. That's how scary it all is. There is no guaranteed, bright future around the other bend waiting for me. All that is there is what is unknown -- and that scares me. There's so much fear linked up with this, I can barely stand being in my own skin.

Maybe we should just go the extra step to divorce now and just jump head first into this abyss. I am going to bring this up. I don't think it will be pleasant. It will not stop me.

Thinking About Sally
As I indicated at the start, that's the other thing that I woke up into this morning. As soon as I got the thoughts of the question out of my head, I was immediately thinking of her. That's the way it's been working. When I don't think about something else, I am thinking of her. It's so tough at times, I cannot stand it. I want to be in touch with her. I want to say hello. I want to tell her that I love her. I want to hear how things are going. There's so much I want to do.

I can't do any of it. Knowing that tears me up and is a torture all of its own.

Sharing things with the world
Truly smart people know that most of the things that go through their heads should not be uttered to another, lest they be committed to an institution or lose all of their closest relations. I am not that smart.

This morning, when I woke up into all of this, what did I do? I decided that this was something that I needed to share with my social network. So I posted the questions I woke up to:

"What are the things that you are unwilling to live without? How far will you go to have those?"

While they may not be the cheeriest questions for a Saturday morning (trust me, I know that), they are not random. I considered that these were very timely and relevant. No responses, except one -- from Sally.

Sally's Response
The first thing that she did was tell me that she was sorry that I woke up into that. I had to smile, as she is very thoughtful like that. She doesn't like seeing other people in pain or unhappy. I really appreciate that about her.

She told me that she went to bed last night thinking of the exact same questions. I did find that I was relieved to hear that. That was an indication to me that she was taking this seriously and was going to make some progress over the next months.

Then she said something rather worrisome -- that for her moving forward meant without me, which is something that she finds nearly impossible to do.

So, look, I'm under no illusions about where we stand, OK. Things are done between the two of us. She's made her choice and that is that. I've told her that I am fully behind her pursuing her choice to its logical conclusion. If that means that she and Ranger Rick ride off into the sunset again to be "happily ever after", so be it. I'm fine with it, as long as she is doing it for the right reasons -- not just to stay comfortable.

If she needs to move on and split, then I am fine with that too. I will support her, but I am not signing a "blank check" here. I am not waiting around with my teeth in my mouth for something that may never happen to actually happen. No, I cannot do that any more than she can just dump Rick and run into my arms. No. That's not a viable option. It just won't work. It's too much for either of us to ask the other.

The thing that is bothering me though is the implication that she thinks that having me be "out of sight, out of mind" would actually help her move forward. Guess what? It won't. It doesn't work like that. The connection we share transcends space and time. No matter how much time passes, I know that there will always be some element of her with me and I with her. Even if I died tomorrow, there would be a piece of me that would still be there, prompting her to move forward.

There is something for her to address about this and me that gets the focus straight on to her relationship with Rick. She knows that she's trying to do the right thing, but that there's very little connection left with him. She has two ways she can go -- identify the issues and actively work to resolve them OR retreat into workability and go back to "normal" (shut down). She said that she would not do the latter. We'll see.

I thought about this a bit and the next thing that I said on my social media account was:

"There are lots of important questions in life. The most important ones never really get fully answered. Why? Because the answer will change as you go through life and change. It's always a moving target and up for consideration. The work is never done."

I know this to be true. This is an important part of what we both need to address. The questions we face now are forcing us to make choices. In the end, those will take us only so far before they need to be asked again and new choices made. It's the way things work, like it or not.

Interesting quote/thought

 In my email today, I received an email that I get on a daily basis from this web site. In it, the author wrote:

"Deciding what is best for you never harms another, and on the contrary, helps all others. Your intention is to always be your best, and in this manner you are able to make the contribution to all that is as you intended. When you make decisions based on what you think is best for others without considering your desires, you form a resentment and anger that you carry and will be expressed in some way.

There is always a solution available where everyone wins, and it only requires your willingness to allow it to be revealed to you. You are all one, inter-connected, so therefore what is best for you is best for all others. Any other decision you make helps no one"

The interesting thing about this is that it does support what I was saying above about Sally and I. We cannot leave ourselves out of the equation. At the same time, we cannot just focus on ourselves at the exclusion of others. No, they are in it just as much as we are.

I understand the predicament that Sally is in. If she chooses to stay, the resentment and anger will make itself manifest. It's not a matter of if... only when and how. You know how I know that? Personal experience. I have been there. I have felt that. For years I stuffed that anger down inside of me and operated over the top of it, as if everything was fine.

Month by month, year by year, that anger became more acute and closer to the surface, until it wasn't able to be contained or covered over any more. It was now clear for anyone close enough to me to see that this was the case. It was only a matter of time before the facade was damaged.

The last thing about this quote that I think is worth mentioning is that "what helps all others", has "everyone win" and "what is best" don't say that everyone will be happy with the outcome in the moment. In fact, I think that it's highly likely that the exact opposite will be true. The changes that are introduced are likely to be of a disruptive and life altering nature. Few people are walking around looking for ways that they can cause their own pain and suffering. No, most people avoid anything close to it at all costs.

Yet, that doesn't mean that one can or should avoid introducing the disruptions and alterations that are fitting to what is next for us. We don't have to like it, but we sure as hell can't run from it. It's part of playing out the hand that we were dealt. Unless we fold (and retreat), we cannot avoid it. As such, we might as well jump in with both feet and get going. The less time we spend in limbo, the better off everyone will be.

Summary
This is a long post and it had to end sometime. This is a fitting stopping point. There was just so much to say. Yet, this isn't the end of it. Not even close. There is so much more to say, I could probably keep writing for hours and find more to talk about. Fortunately for you, dear reader, I am not going to do that.

God, I am tired of feeling like this. I am tired of dealing with all of this crap. I'd just like a little relief for once.

Still, I think that there's likely s a reason that these things are up for me to deal with and it's evident that reason is not yet clear. For all I know, it may never become clear to me. It may just be one of those things that I just need to deal with and move on.

Still, it will be nice to wake up one day into something other than what I woke up into this morning.

Right now, that's just me dreaming.