I tend to take holidays somewhat seriously, especially as I am getting older. Why? Well, I guess I am finding that I have more to be thankful for and to appreciate. So, the significance and opportunity that a given holiday represents isn't lost on me.
The way that I see it, this Thanksgiving is even more significant because I'm thinking of this as the first Thanksgiving of the rest of my life.
It may seem like a bit of a strange thing to say, but it's really doesn't feel that way to me.
There was only one period of my life when I didn't have a family or close friend connection during major holidays -- the time that I spent on active duty in the U.S. Marine Corps. As a boy and young man, I spent the holidays with my family. There was only a few years after my release from active duty prior to living with Sandy. [Editors note: This is the first time that this particular fact is being introduced into the conversation. Up until now, it's been generally referred to as "the military". The author is proud of his service as a Marine and will always consider himself one. I wouldn't be surprised if there was another post related to this in the works.]
As you can see, I have been used to being around people that I care about during the holidays. This year is the first year that I am actually "on my own again" since early in my life. Sandy is currently on a trip to do some work with her boss and scout out living arrangements in the city where she is planning on moving to at the end of next month.
I have mixed feelings about it right at the moment. I am both happy and sad about it.
The happiness is about being on the cusp of something new. It's about charting a future forward that isn't just an extension of my past. I am excited about that, but I realize I am not there yet. As a result, there's more than a bit of uncertainty associated with it. In fact, this blog is dedicated to that, right? Mining the gap between what was and what isn't here yet.
There is also sadness associated with the loss that separating with Sandy represents. I do still have authentic feelings for her, though they are not the feelings that a future together is realistically based on. I know that we enjoy each others company and that we get along. It's workable, but it's not enough. That's truly sad. When the holidays hit, that sadness is only intensified, as I consider holidays as an opportunity to actively appreciate those closest to you.
Tonight, I am alone. It's both my current state and a slight look forward at what life will be like without Sandy. Right now, I am present to the loneliness. Don't worry, I'm not depressed or suicidal. I'm just noticing that I am lonely. My network of people is only beginning to get reestablished. It will take time and that's OK.
Sally is out of town at the moment on a family trip to spend the holiday with her sister. Her youngest son is visiting his natural father a few hours away from there. It's pretty remote, so I don't expect to hear much from her. Apparently, cellular coverage is quite bad and power has been intermittent at their house.. yes, they are in the middle of nowhere and there is snow.
I don't remember when, but one of the things that she asked me about a little over a week ago was what my plans were for Thanksgiving. At the time, I told her that I didn't know.
My parents were going to be out of town and I hadn't made any specific plans. She was concerned about my being alone for the holiday. In a certain sense, I was too. I didn't want to be "alone", so I had been asking around to see what various people were doing, thinking I could glom on to whatever someone else was doing. Pretty shrewd, eh? :-)
It wasn't until last week that I got an invite from my sister to join them for Thanksgiving. I happily accepted the offer and will be spending the bulk of the day with them tomorrow. I was able to tell Sally this and I knew that she would be happy that I was spending it with family. Of course, if I didn't have that option, I know that she'd have been worried about me.
Still, it isn't like she'd really have a "solution" for me about that. It's not like she can tell Ranger Rick "Oh, hey, the other guy that I love is going to come join us for Thanksgiving dinner this year. I didn't think you'd have a problem with that." Yeah, right. Not in my lifetime.
No, she'd just be all concerned about me and likely have it distract her a little bit while she should be enjoying her nieces and nephews. Her genuine concern for others is one of the things that I love most about her. If she cares about you, it's not a little -- it's the whole enchilada and it shows. I wouldn't have wanted that for her. I'm not saying that I would have lied to her about it, but I certainly wouldn't have had it become her issue.
That pretty much wraps up the Thanksgiving stuff. This leaves the whole other half of the post title regarding giving thanks. I thought that this was also important to consider. Why? Because there are many things that I am thankful for and I don't want to forget that. Not even close.
Here's a short list of what I am thankful for:
- Sandy
- Our relationship and what it has provided to us over the years
- That we are building a future of partnership together that is as yet unknown, but we love and care for one another
- Sally
- Even though we have only known each other for about 8 months, my being related to her has completely altered the course of my life. I am thankful every minute of every day.
- For loving me fully, completely
- My Family
- I've had so many experiences of my family being there for me and accepting me for who I am, even when I do stupid shit
- For their generosity, even when they haven't had to be
- My Friends
- My network of friends is small, but the ones I do have really care for me and I care for them. It's not always easy to understand or relate, but we try
- My Work
- I love my work
- It's not always fun or easy, but I love what I do
- My next year is going to be a great year
- I am alive, vibrant and living fully
Happy Thanksgiving, dear reader. Please know that I am also thankful for you! :-)
No comments:
Post a Comment