Was It Evident All Along?

A friend of ours (Sandy and I) called me this morning. She wanted to express her support for me during this transition period, as she is a friend to both of us, not just Sandy.

It was a very interesting call and went in a direction that I didn't anticipate. Let me explain...

Ordinarily, this is a pretty easy thing to get your head around. A friend calls and wishes you well. Asks you whether or not there's something you want to say, blah blah blah. Initially I said "no", because there wasn't really anything I had in mind to talk with her about. As we were on the phone for a moment (beyond my initial response to her question), I found that there were some things to say.

I talked about the split and what I felt that meant, the fact that I still love Sally, etc. That was the easy stuff, not what is prompting this post, eh?

Then while we're talking about the amicable nature of our separation, she made the equivalent comment of "the last time I was out with you guys, I could really sense that this was where things were going, but I didn't want to say anything."

Some folks would likely get a little pissy about a comment like that. Me? Not so much. In fact, I was intrigued! Why? Because this is not the first time that I've heard this from people -- people that have been very close to us over the years. So, the following thoughts/questions occurred to me:

• "I wonder how long it's been like this?"
• "What was it that others saw that we could not?"
• "What were we paying attention to that had us overlook what wasn't working?"

There were probably a few other questions in there, but they all had a similar flavor to them. In other words:

What were we blind to that others could clearly see?

Now, that doesn't mean that I trust that they saw everything and their views/perceptions of what was happening was accurate. No, not even close. The fact that there is general agreement (or maybe alignment is a better way of describing it) among people that know us well that this was coming is what I cannot dispute.

And, look, it wasn't even that I didn't see it. Yes, I knew that there were issues and it was coming apart, but these observations go back much longer than when I first became aware of them. I find this very curious. I also think it's interesting that there's no room (at least, accepted in the common culture) to have a discussion with someone about that kind of observation. You just have to keep you opinion to yourself and let the others drive the car off the cliff.

I guess that what I'm taking away from the story here is that:

1. Communication is happening all the time.

It doesn't matter what words are coming out of our mouths, there is a lot of communication happening that has nothing to do with what is said. In fact, this is likely the more authentic/true communication than the other. Why? Because it's not invented, rehearsed, believed, etc. -- it's lived! The disparity between what is said and what is observed will show itself eventually.

2. Just because I can't see it doesn't mean that it isn't there.

I cannot take it on faith that I can actually see what's really happening in my own life -- there may be a blind spot or a convergence of multiple blinds spots. As such, there is something to consider, when it comes to what others see about a given relationship. There may be something worth questioning there.

3. Don't believe everything everyone tells you.

Just "because there's smoke" doesn't mean that "there is a fire" there. There's a certain part of your experience that you must trust, because you are in it and they are not. It doesn't absolve you of your responsibility to examine it and see if there is something to take care of.

Bottom line here is that I hope that in the future, I'll be able to be better prepared to address what's happening and also have more room for others to say what things they see.