Choices To Make

Yep. That's right. There are some choices to make and none of them are easy.
It seems like that's all my life has been over the past few years.
Frankly, I'd like to have a period of time where I wasn't faced with life altering choices.

So much for what I want, eh?

I know I am going to have to make a choice regarding Sally. She sent me a text message and asked me if she'd lose me if she stayed with Rick.

First off, I absolutely fucking hate it (apologies for the swearing and yelling) when someone tries to have a serious conversation (especially like this one) over text message. It's just awful! Too much opportunity to have misunderstandings and make shit up about what gets written.

Secondly, I've already said how I feel about her and what I think of their staying together. At the same time, there's a line that I cannot pass. Because any choice that she makes is a choice that she needs to make -- not me!

I am desperately trying to give her the room to make her own choice, while still making my preferences clear and giving her my best advice/input when asked. I would not want to "convince her" that she should do something only to have it not work out and then blame me. That's not my idea of fun, nor is it the way that I work.

I also told her that, from my perspective, there is no "right decision". Each choice we make has good parts to it and bad parts to it. For the most part, we don't know how the scales tip (the exact mixture of  "good" and "bad", if there is such a thing) until we make our choice. Until that point, it's merely our best guess of what will happen. Once the choice is made, we play that out to its natural conclusion or until the next choice point is reached.

I don't like the thought of their staying together, especially when it's done on the basis of "it's good enough". I know exactly what that is like. It's a tough, tough life that erases years off of you. I never want to see anyone else go through that, but it's not my choice to make. Sally has all of these concerns about her, her friends, current family, etc. and it (99.9999999% of the time) seems like it's better to keep things status quo.

If that's what she chooses, bully for her. I am not changing my story.

At the same time, I have things changing in my life and I am not going to keep my life static just so that she can keep her life the way that she wants it. That doesn't fulfill anything and could end up being very costly for me. A cost much higher than I will ever be willing to pay.

If she chose to be with me, there would be issues to address. She'd have to sort out her own circumstances first and figure out how she'd manage her own affairs to an appropriate conclusion. Once there, we could start working on what to do together, but it's first things first for both of us.

It doesn't matter which direction it goes, there's tough stuff down either path. She said recently that she needs me and doesn't know what she'd do without me. Well, at this rate, I think she'll likely start needing to actively consider what that is going to be like and how she is going to adjust/adapt to whatever this new future is. Why?

Well, after I wrote my last blog, I had a thought come into my head. Given I am faced with serious employment issues, now might be the time to sell/rent/lease my house and move to a new location that is more friendly for work.

I have gone from "I'm staying right here" to "Yep, I think I need to do this" in less than thirty days. This is amazing to me.

I am confident that neither Sally or Kate would move.

Sally wouldn't, just because there is so much other stuff to contend with. She's not in a position to rip up roots and just leave, even if she wanted to.

I am assuming that Kate wouldn't move, just because of the amount of stuff she's dealing with and her proximity to work (really close, no highway commute). Not to mention the fact that she says that she likes it here and doesn't want to move.

So, if I choose to move, I think it's almost a certainty that I will lose both of them.

I can't overstate what a shift this is for me. I've been living where I am for a long time and don't have a real desire to leave. At the same time, while I don't want to lose either of them, I may have to do this whether I want to or not. If it means lose the house and default on my divorce agreement OR move, I am going to do the latter. I cannot afford any more adverse financial activity. I've paid more than enough so far and the cost continues to rise. I refuse to suffer any more than I have to financially.

In our text exchange yesterday, I told Sally that there were things that I wanted to talk with her about (I was thinking specifically about this) that I thought she should know, but not out of a desire to force her hand. I am serious about that too. I don't want to do it to force her hand, but I do want her to know what I am doing, why I think it's necessary and what the impact might be. From there, she'll have to make her choices.

To top it off, there's no saying that keeping things in place is going to ensure that things work out well with Sally or Kate either. It's like throwing everything up into the air and wondering where all the pieces are going to land when the hit the ground again.

Some days, I probably shouldn't even get out of bed...