Rage Against The Unseen...

There are times when I am not proud of myself.

This is one of them...

I had the chance to talk with Sally a short while ago and she had to go so that she could pick up Rick and they could go out to an evening out with some friends. That alone isn't new news. In fact, they've been doing it for quite some time.

Yet, for me, with all that has happened -- it's different for me now. Given the conversation that Sally and I had yesterday, I am not just unhappy or mildly annoyed, I am downright PISSED OFF!!!

"Nuclear explosion, white hot light and vaporize everything"-level RAGE against someone I don't know and some enemy I cannot see!!!!!!

No, I am not at all proud of this. Not even close. In the middle of this, I am trying to take the "high road" here, but I am finding it incredibly hard to do it.

In a certain sense, I am lying to Sally. I am smiling and saying that "things are OK" (with me), but that's not really true is it!? No, it's not. I am anything but OK with how things are going.

At the same time, I know that this is what I signed up for when I started seeing her and she reinforced that when we talked last -- as long as things are the way that they are, I am always going to come second. Her "family" is always going to come first. I don't really begrudge her that.

She's wired that way and that's one of the things that I really appreciate about her. She does a great job of going out of her way to attempt to include me and make time for me. I know it's challenging and I know that it's not easy. I try to be accommodating and make it as easy as I can, but I know that it takes something.

At the same time, knowing what I know about the situation I am as deeply offended as a person can possibly be that she's going to the lengths she is to "work on saving their marriage." I am practically beside myself. The more I think about it, the worse I feel.

I keep trying to put it out of my thinking, but little things like this bring it back and wave it in front of my consciousness like:

"Nah, nah, nah. Look at what's happening right under your nose, you stupid fucking loser..."

It's almost as if I am just taunting and torturing myself. Well, I guess that I am, because Sally isn't doing that or intending to do so.

I know that I cannot intervene, but that doesn't mean that I either have to like or approve of how things are going.

I wonder which will break first -- their relationship or my spirit.
My "gut check" on this isn't a good one.
Go see your local bookie and bet against me!
I'm the underdog all the way.

I know it's not at all "manly," but there are days when I want to crawl under the covers of my bed, assume a fetal position, cry my eyes out like a baby and never come out again.

Right now, that's exactly the way I feel... :-((((