In a certain sense, I acknowledge that this is a legitimate concern on her part. At the same time, I also have said with certainty that I have no intention of doing that.
Why? Well...
The first reason is because I don't want to! Any reason beyond that isn't really relevant, at this point in time.
The simple fact of the matter is that I love Sally with all my heart. I have since that first day I laid eyes on her. I don't know why that happened, I only know that it did. Love at first sight isn't a myth or fairy tale -- it's quite real! I know it. Will talk about this in a future blog, I think...
So Sally went on a "Girls Weekend Out" trip with her friends this weekend. This isn't an issue for me, by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I enjoy that she's getting out to actually take some time out and enjoy herself. It would be completely disingenuous of me to begrudge her that. I just couldn't do it. I've been very supportive of her, as we've been in touch during her trip.
At the same time, I have been missing her terribly. It seems that over the past weeks, the intensity of missing her when we are not together just grows exponentially. I can say without hesitation that it's been really rough. And it showing up in other areas of my life as well.
I think the best way I can describe it is that I ache when I am not with her -- body, heart and soul!
My desire to be near her is almost all-consuming. I can assure you that I'm not overstating the case here. It really is like that for me. Right now, this is proving to be a large source of frustration for me. for the most part, she doesn't see this. She sees how much she feels she needs me, but I don't think that she really appreciates how much I need her.
I expect that this frustration am experiencing is only going to get worse. after all, she's made it quite clear to me that there are no guarantees. She's not made a final decision to leave Rick and is quite adamant about her needing to do it in her own way, in her own time. As I've mentioned before, I don't have a problem with this. I think it's right that she does things her own way and in her own time. Where it becomes a problem for me is in how I respond to it!
The whole situation leaves me with more questions than it does answers. There are times when the uncertainty that this generates feels like I am trying to carry huge slabs of marble around on my back. The weight of it all is almost crushing. From an emotional perspective, I experience great highs and great lows. It's very similar to the experience I had several years ago when my emotions "turned on" again, but it's not quite as debilitating as that episode was.
So I get to sit here alone in my house and ask the question -- "should I hang in there or should I bail?"
Not only is the answer not straightforward, I can barely believe I'm even asking myself the question. At the same time, I know that I do need to consider the question and my answer to it. Why?
She's said that there's no guarantee that anything will change circumstantially. again, I can appreciate that, but it doesn't make it any easier for me. I'm the person who feels like he's on the outside and (potentially) passing up on life opportunities.
Yes, she's realized this, but still holds that our relationship is off to the side and not a "real" relationship. This is probably one of the toughest things for me, because I do not agree with her about this. Not even fucking close! I would go so far as to say I think she has her head shoved up her ass about this, but that's a comment for another post ;-)
Right now, I find myself sitting in the comfort of my home, waiting to hear from her. She'll be heading home soon. What would I love to hear from her?
- I want to talk to you
- Can I stop by to see you?
- Can we meet somewhere on my way home?
- Would you like to meet for lunch?
I'd love any opportunity to be together! <sigh>
At the same time, I don't expect it. In fact, I'd bet on *not* hearing it any of those things. There are a lot of things I would bet on, but this is one of them. It's important to note that I don't think that it's because she wouldn't want to do it or wouldn't enjoy herself. In fact, I think she really would. Which is, in a certain sense, part of the problem.
For the time being, I think that she will lean more towards staying distant than reaching out and creating opportunities to be with me. In recent weeks, she's commented on how she feels that she needs me too much. It seems that, in her thinking, staying apart helps her feel as though she's in control and reduces her (perceived) dependence on me.
This is another area that I am so tempted to call bullshit on, but right now that would only inflame the situation and not have anything fundamental get resolved. Just because she and I don't agree about something doesn't mean that it always needs to get addressed directly. We both see things our own way and that's okay, until something becomes a problem that needs to be addressed. This particular issue is not to that point yet.
Right now, I find this all quite confusing and challenging. It messes with my emotions in ways that I haven't felt in a long time. As I've noted here on my blog (too often to cite), I don't have a good track record of dealing with the emotional stuff. It causes me to say/do stupid shit. While it may look calm on the surface, beneath it all is a raging ocean that is anything but calm. I often get worried that I am going to get sucked away by it all.
The farther I go on, the less sure I am about my (relational) staying power.
How much longer:
- Can I hold out?
- Should I hold out?
- Will I hold out?
Right now, this is becoming the more significant question for me.
In the end, I think it's likely she'll decide to stay with Rick. As much as Sally likes to think of me as thinking with my head (versus my heart), she's just as much a pragmatist or more.
I know exactly how I feel about that -- I can't handle it!!!
There's no scenario that includes this that I can get behind.
I don't want her to be unhappy, but I don't want her to be with Rick either.
Nice Catch-22 I've put myself in, eh?
I think the day that she tells me that she's working (or has worked) this out with Rick is the day that I will likely say my final goodbye.
After all that has happened, I don't think I have the strength to continue beyond that point.
I think it would (quite literally) be more than I could bear.
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