It seems that I am in a little better place than I was before. Just taking a quick check of my "internal states," I think that I am doing a lot better than I was before. Specifically, I am nowhere near as pissed off as I was! Yes, I know -- that's a good thing :-)
I wasn't trying to be difficult, but I must admit I was going through a rough patch. It's not like I think it's over, but it's certainly taken a turn for the better. Let me explain why...
The truth about it is that I still get a little upset when I know that Sally will be out with Rick. Even though I might say that I am merely "bothered," the important part is that it still has an effect on me. At the same time, I have noticed the number of occurrences and the intensity decreased significantly.
One of the things that happened over the past few weeks was that Sally and I had the opportunity to spend the night together. This was not the noteworthy part, because we had done that before. The part that is of note here is that it was done with Rick's full knowledge. The time that we were able spend together was wonderful. several things happened during the course of that time that I'm going to have to write about another time, but suffice it to say that it was excellent.
I think that this opportunity for Sally and I to spend an overnight together is one of the reasons why I am a bit calmer than I was. The important thing is that my relationship with Sally (and Rick, for that matter) is not just lurking in the background -- it's center stage!
Sally went into the weekend not really knowing how Rick was going to react. In fact, I wondered this myself. I remember thinking that this would be a significant test of where things stand relationally. If he were to turn this into an issue, it would complicate matters significantly between the three of us.
Actually, I just had the opportunity to laugh at myself, because it's the first time that I think I truly considered that I also have a relationship with Rick, despite the fact that we have never talked to each other or pay attention to each other's existence! LOL
I know that Sally will often tell me about things that are happening with her and Rick, but I have no idea what it is that she tells Rick about what's going on with me or our relationship. There's a part of me that wants to know and there's another part of me that really doesn't want to know. I guess you might say that it's a kind of "let sleeping dogs lie" philosophy. I don't know how smart this is, but that seems to be how I'm thinking about it right now.
An event happened when we were together that took Sally to a new place (experientially speaking) the last time that we had sex together. I am not going to go into the details now, but I know this is something that was significant to both of us and something that she wants to continue to explore and deepen with me. As such, I don't think that there is any risk of her wanting to change things or alter the parameters of our relationship.
I also think that, as a result of this fact, she will likely try to keep things moving forward with Rick, but wouldn't do anything to endanger our relationship or run the risk of having me leave. Of course, it's anyone's guess what she might actually do. She's her own person and fully able to make her own choices. One of the things I am very clear about is that Sally does what Sally wants to do, regardless of anything I might want her to do or what I think about that. In this way, I think we are a lot alike.
As of right now, I don't believe that she or Rick have had sex yet and I sincerely hope that they don't anytime soon. I probably sound like a real asshole for saying that, but that's really how I feel. He's in a position where he can go and find himself a girlfriend and have whatever kind of sexual relations that he wants to have. Up until now, he is chosen not to execute on that option. I sincerely wish he would execute on that option! It would make my life a hell of a lot easier.
I don't want Sally to have sex with him out of an obligation to do so, just because they are a married couple does not mean that they should have sex together, though I can certainly understand that from a legal perspective they are entitled to do so. I don't question that all. As I have said in previous posts, if they chose to do that because they wanted to have sex with each other, then I could accept that.
What I have trouble with is her having sex with him because he's too lazy to get off his ass and try to find a girlfriend, irrespective of the issue that caused Sally to change her mind about how she saw their future going together. The latter part of that just makes me dislike it even more! Yet, I realize that this is a distinct possibility and I really have nothing to say about it. If I don't like it, I know what my options are, especially since Sally gave me the green light to see other people if I wanted to.
Another thing that's worth mentioning is that Sally has taken some actions in her life to prepare for life beyond Rick, should things become either untenable or unrecoverable. I like the fact that she's in communication with me about what she's doing and how she's doing it. I don't specifically ask her about how things are going with repairing her relationship, that I think about it a lot -- most likely a lot more than I really should.
And it's probably not surprising that I hope Rick keeps doing what he's doing or tries to separate even more. Again, I'm probably the world's biggest asshole for thinking that, but it's the truth. I can't help it. I have said before and I will say again that I want to spend the rest of my life with Sally. I know there are no guarantees and that it could all end tomorrow (or the day after we decide to get serious about spending the rest of our life together). Despite all of those potential pitfalls and challenges, I would choose to make that bet without hesitation.
For the time being, I must continue to live with the uncertainty that goes with the nature of our relationship. In a very real sense, it has me live my life in a way that is bifurcated -- one version of it is what Sally sees and the other version is what Kate sees. At some point, I am going to have to make a choice.I am still glad that today is not that day, even though I know that they will come.
For now, I know that Sally will work with me to find time to be together and enjoy our one-on-one time. We will communicate with each other, go on dates, have lunch together and have sex with each other to the maximum extent our schedules allow. The thing that we will not do is spend a lot of time with each other.
The simple fact is that I miss Sally every moment of every day that I am not with her and this includes the time that I spend with Kate. That's something that I'm going to need to confront and resolve for myself. There is nothing wrong with Kate at all! She's a wonderful woman and a pleasure to be with. One could say I'm probably the luckiest bastard on the planet, because I have two beautiful women that want to spend their time with me!
The truth about it is that I am (and do consider myself) one of the luckiest guys around.
The real question now is -- how long will I stay lucky!?
As with all things in this world, only time will tell.
In the interim, I will do my best to relax into my life and remain calm in the face of change and uncertainty.
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