A Whole New World

As I sit here writing this, I find myself pleased, conflicted and surprised -- all at the same time. Why?

Because Sally is going to ask Rick for a divorce!!!
Yes, you read that right.

This really does change everything! How so?
Let's have a look...

Up until now, lots of life with Sally have been along the lines of a "want," not something that I actually expected would be within my ability to have. As evidenced by previous blog entries, I really felt that she was going to take the "safe way" and just stay with Rick. In so doing, the open relationship would continue and I would retain my role as the "second string" player.

Up until "the incident," I have pretty much accepted that I was going to fill this role in that stolen moments were probably all we would ever have together, save the occasional overnight once in a while (with Rick's concurrence and knowledge). At that point, everything changed for me. I was finding it harder and harder to stay within the boundaries of our relationship, because of the open hatred that was building for someone that I'd never even met.

Over these past months, I have had periods where I haven't been present to the hatred, but those periods have been sparse and short in duration. In the end, I really was present to my love for Sally -- everything always came back to that. It didn't matter why, what or how, I never lost sight of the fact that I love her so totally and completely that I would do anything for her. That included remaining squeezed into the box that my role in our relationship required.

The other day, we are talking via IM and out of the blue she says that "there are some things that I need you to understand." So, I told her "okay, go for." And go for it she did!

She said a number of things to me (none of which were bad, by the way) in the gist of it was:

• You are a free man and can do whatever you want to;
• You are responsible for your own happiness, I am not;
• I am getting a divorce. That's between Rick and I, it's not because of you;
• I don't have everything worked out, but I do have a timeline that I intend to work to.

For those of you that have read other entries in this blog, you'll recognize that (for me) all this is good news. When I had the opportunity to respond, I said:

• I am neither unhappy or unfulfilled in my life. I consider that I was the person responsible for my own happiness. I would choose what I did, with who and when. In no way did I ever consider that she was responsible for my happiness.
• I understand that your divorce is between you and Rick. I also understand that your love for me is not a factor in choosing to get the divorce -- you're not doing it for me! I figured if this day would come, this would be the basis on which I would want to see you do it. I would never want you to and your relationship and disrupt your life just so you could be with me. I would not be okay with that.
• Much of what you need to do is all on you. You need to be prepared to deal with all of the people in your life that are going to ask questions, have opinions and judgments/evaluations about this. None of this is anything that I can do anything about. What I can do is love you fully and pledged to support you in whatever way you should need -- all you have to do is ask. Beyond that, it's on you.
• For what it's worth, I really am sorry that things are ending this way. I trust that she fully understands what I meant, because it's both a mixture of happiness and sadness for me. Yes, I am happy that she will not be with Rick anymore, but I am also unhappy that she's going to go through a very long period of turmoil and significant transition.
• I also understand that there are no promises and I am not asking her for any. I intend to give her the freedom to do what she needs to do during this period. Any substantial conversations about "us" will happen in the timing does appropriate to this. I am not going to force the issue.

So in the space of 5 minutes, our lives and futures completely altered.
A new opening to be together arose that I never thought would be possible!

As she was talking to me about what she had been thinking about, in considering the divorce, I thought back to my own experience of asking Sandy for a divorce. Oh my God, I could so relate to the things that she was talking about. I did understand what it was like to feel that way about  spouse. Someone that you still could authentically say that you loved, but had no desire to be close to, intimate with or share a future together.

For those of you that have never experienced this before, I certainly hope that you never do. It's not a good feeling. Not even close!! When this happens, it's almost as if a part of you dies. That's about as close as I can come to saying what that's like. The time after that (representing that transitional period after the divorce) is a period of rediscovery, renewal and healing.having people around you that love you and care for you helps, but really it's only work that one can do for themselves. No one can do it for you.

An important point to mention here is that she has not talked to Rick yet about this. This may seem like a significant point, but I can assure you that it's not. One of the things I know about Sally is that when she makes up her mind, that's it. That's the direction she goes. It's anyone's guess as to when the two of them will actually have the conversation, but it may not be for a month or so.

She has a son living at home and does not want to have anyone know about this until she and Rick are ready to talk about it. As she noted, they still have friends and obligations that they are expected to fulfill and she intends to do that. If she waits until the time when her son is planning to be on a short vacation, she and Rick can have a conversation, be openly upset around each other, but not be worried about her son or other close family members finding out before they are ready.

She is also thought about the scenario where Rick comes and promises to change, wants to go to counseling or decides to comply with her original requests of him (post-incident). She will be supportive of him taking action on what she originally requested, but the others aren't open for discussion. She doesn't feel the same way about him to consider that as a possibility.

At this point, it leaves me in an interesting position. I am not going to do anything that resembles making a significant structural change my life, until I know that she's had a conversation with Rick. Even at that point, significant change would not be called for. I would start looking at smaller changes. Once it's clear that they have reached a "point of no return," then I will get serious about what to do next.

At the same time, I am already thinking about what to do next.

I know that she will be interested in staying in the same neighborhood where she currently lives until her son graduates high school. I can completely understand that! I know how hard it is for a young person to get ripped out of their environment and moved somewhere new. Given he's on the cusp of graduating, it only makes this worse. I would not blame her in the slightest for trying to stay in place. After all, the divorce is going to take some time and she's not the kind that would just pack up and leave. By the time they do have a final divorce, it'll only be a few months anyway before they can make a change.

One of the things that's been on my mind has been selling/renting my home and moving someplace new. I know that Sally has grown a bit weary of living in our area and would like to return to the general area where she was raised. Am thinking that it might be time to make that kind of change. The location I have in mind has convenient airport access and would allow me to continue to work.

One thing I am clear about with all of this is that, while we have a certain foundation of being related to each other, our future will not be based solely upon that. Rather, it will be a foundation. Nothing more.

I look forward to getting to know her in ways that have never been possible for me before. Most of the time that we have spent together (in person) has been having sex. I'm not complaining about this. Not all. But there are so many things that I would look forward to doing with her like:

• Cooking;
• Shopping;
• Short, impromptu trips;
• Meeting her family, friends and coworkers;
• Walking and working out together;
• Watching a movie or TV together;
• Spending a quiet night at home;
• really, anything that resembles a normal life and relationship!

For those of you on the outside looking in, it's probably tempting to think that I am just a sucker for romantic notions. I guess to a certain extent, I am guilty as charged, but there is more to the story than that.

I'm not asking for perfection. I'm not asking for guarantees. The only thing I want is to have the opportunity to build a life with someone that I love with all my heart and soul.

You know, in the end, this could be the worst decision I would ever make. I could be completely turning my life upside down, inside out and screwing everything up. Do you know what I would say to that?

FUCK IT!!!

Sally is too important and special to me not to give this everything that I can muster. When everything is finished and a reckoning is done, I expect to be able stand tall and state loudly that "it was worth everything that it took and then some!"

So,  yes,  in the end it may fail and everything may fall apart. There are no guarantees. No easy successes. Only opportunities.

With this change, it looks like I have been given one.

I intend to take it and make the most of it!