Anyhow, this past weekend was a big deal for her. She started the process of preparing some of the people closest to her that there are potentially big changes on the horizon.
That was the first of the real "buying signs" from her. Let me explain what I mean by that...
In sales, there is a whole conversation about "buying signs." Lots of people can act interested in what you have to offer and even ask really good questions. Yet, in any sales situation, there is a point where the conversation (for lack of a better expression) "tips" and you're clearly moving towards closing the deal.
You start hearing certain phrases and ways that the prospect speaks that demonstrate that they've moved beyond considering the purchase to considering what life will be like when they have whatever they are about to purchase. In a very real sense, this is a tangible part of the sales process. It's quite clear when this happens. I've seen it lots of times.
Well, this lunch was kind of like that. Be clear, I am not asking her for updates. I am just being there in the conversation with her. Am I thinking about it constantly? Yes, absolutely! Yet, I am not going to ask her about it. She needs to tell me what she is doing. It's her life, her marriage, her choice.
She told me about the conversations that she had with these people. It was clear to me that this was extremely tough for her. With one of them, she was actually surprised that she did not get the negative reaction that she'd expected to get. This made me happy. I made a comment about it, but then quickly shut the fuck up! ;-)
The fact is that she doesn't need to hear anything from me. If anything, what she needs right now is for me to listen to her when she has something to say. So, that's what I intend to do. If it seems like she may be asking for some kind of input, then I will question her and find out whether or not this is the case.
The thing that she mentioned today, which was one of the first times that she has ever mentioned it to me before, that she told one of the folks what this was about for her -- addressing what she needed to do to have a life where she was actually happy.
She also finally acknowledged (to someone other than me) that for the majority of the time that she and Rick have been together, she has not been happy. It isn't like she wants to see Rick hurt, but that's not on her shoulders to decide. Not even close. Rick is (ultimately) responsible for that. After all, he's really the one that started this whole unwinding with "the incident."
At this point, I'm cheering inside. Why? I am incredibly happy for her. I am glad that she is finally going to do something that is good for her. She's taking steps towards something other than settling for what she's had. Part of it is related to her state of mind, because in the past, she's actively entertained thoughts like:
- This is God's way of punishing her;
- Her thought that she's getting some sort of cosmic punishment for previous misdeeds and transgressions;
- Her feelings of inadequacy;
- and/or that she doesn't "deserve" to be happy.
The success here for me is that she's not doing that anymore!! She's talking about her life as if "I have a right to live a happy, fulfilled life and am going to do what I need to do that." Regardless of how things go with us, I am ever so proud of her. She's turned a corner and is truly a different woman than the one I first met a few years ago.
She also told me about one of her most recent reactions with Rick where he is back in his old ways. It's exactly what she and I both knew would happen. When she told me about it, I could see the look of pain and failure in her eyes AND the recognition that there's nothing that she can really do to alter that. It breaks my heart every time... so much so, I could practically cry.
In the end, this represents a tangible step forward for her. It's one step closer to being "real." To that end, it moves it one step closer to making it "real" for me.
At some point, very, very soon. I am going to have to make a decision about my path forward. There's nothing clear about it and it's all risky. There are no certain outcomes here. I could end up more lonely than I've ever been. I don't know.
I do know that the way things are right now is no longer satisfying. Something has to change. I've realized this and started making some very personal changes.
I'm reacting to and managing life stress differently. I am back at regular exercise again, I've stopped drinking coffee and I'm trying to avoid consuming (added) processed sugar. Also, I am trying to avoid eating when I am upset/emotional -- "feeding my feelings," as the expression goes.
Bottom line is that, whether my relationships work out or not, if I am going to meet someone new, I had better take care of myself physically! Vanity. Ugh! LOL
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