In talking with Sally the of the day, I told her that she did not need to second-guess me, when it came to my being happy with her or not. I told her that if there was something that I was unhappy with I would tell her about it. She asked me "even if you knew it was something that would upset me?" And my response to her: "Absolutely."
Well, it turns out that was one of those days when a piece of the truth got to get told. Here's how it worked...
All of this goes back to a conversation that Sally and I have the other night as we were laying in bed together. Those times are really special to me because quite often these are the times where she really drops her guard and we get the chance to talk -- really talk. I love those times. it's times like that when I really appreciate our relationship. I really do get to experience us being related in the way that is more than just our sexual activity. We get to really relate to each other!
So in this last conversation, she told me that she sees herself as being somewhat selfish. She doesn't want to hurt Rick, she doesn't want to hurt me and she doesn't want to bear the burden of what people in her life right now would think about her getting a divorce from Rick. She actually criticized herself for not being brave enough to make the choice to be with me, knowing full well that's exactly what she would like.
The thing I told her that was true for me was that I didn't think that she was either a coward or overly selfish. As I've written here before, I recognize that she needs to go through the spaces that she needs to go through to make a decision on her own time, in her own way. It's not my place to make a demand of her to choose. I've been pretty clear and consistent about this.
She asked me whether or not I think about asking her to make a choice. I told her that I do and it would be alive for me to say that I don't. I also reminded her that, in no uncertain terms, at one point I did actually ask her to choose me over Rick. In retrospect, I am not sorry for having done this. Because it finally got up onto the table the real issue here -- though I love Sally unconditionally and want to spend the rest of my life with her. At the same time,
In a certain sense, after considering what she said, I think that there's a part of me which is also a bit selfish and (possibly) a bit cowardly for not asking her to make that choice.
The more I think about it, the more I think that that's actually not the full truth in the matter. Whether I like it or not, there is an element of timing associated with this that neither she nor I can get around. If she decides that she is going to make a change in her relationship, she needs to be prepared to live on her own. She's making the positive changes to be able to do that and I am being as supportive as I can.
As result, I don't feel bad about giving her the room to make the decision to stay or split in her own time.
She also made an observation that she could tell that things were getting harder for me, in terms of her continuing to be with Rick. Well, one thing I certainly can acknowledge her for is that she's observant. There is an element of truth in the observation, but it doesn't go all the way. Ever since the incident with Rick, it's been difficult for me. No, it's been much worse than that -- it's been as close to a "living hell" as I can possibly imagine.
I've actually told Sally about this anger, but I really can't tell her what it's like for me. Not because I don't want to, but because it's so intense that words don't do it justice. Not even close. The anger that I feel towards Rick is very, very intense. In fact, I can only recall a few episodes in my life where my experience of hate towards another has manifested itself in this way. On some levels, I am ashamed of this.
Most of the time I am present to how much I love her, not the anger associated with the state of their relationship. When I do experience the anger associated with it, it's often resolved quite quickly in favor of my love for Sally.
I can only imagine what it's like to be in his position in my imagination tells me that it's pretty horrible. to know that you caused an incident with your spouse and that it's had negative consequences is horrible unto itself. The fact that they went into this on shaky ground just adds insult to injury.
When it comes to Rick, I probably seem like a heartless, uncaring asshole. Part of that I think I deserve, because I actually don't give a shit about Rick, his issues or anything else he has to deal with.
I absolutely do not fucking care!
Yet, strangely enough, I am not without compassion for the guy. I am serious about that! I do have some compassion for what he's going through. No, I am not going to get all mushy about it either. Fat chance!
The fact is that Rick is doing a great job... of fucking everything up. I had a chance to ask Sally about this the last time that we are together. I asked her if he was doing anything that he promised he would and she told me that there was some initial activity (really, really minor) and there hasn't been anything since.
I gave her that look that said the rough equivalent of:
"Neither of us are surprised by this, right? If he's going to make any changes, you're going to have ride his ass to get him to do it. It's going to be like that for the remainder of the time that you're together and you damn well know it!"Yet, I didn't say that. I didn't need to and I didn't want to. A simple acknowledgment (and a bit of a grunt/"hmmmm...") was all that was really required. I could see the disappointment in her eyes. She didn't have to say a thing, I know that knows it's true.
I'm certainly not trying to make her feel bad about the situation, but at the same time, I am not going to be sitting on the sidelines cheering for her to work everything out.
I don't want her to work everything out!
I want everything to fall apart (relationally) between them.
So in my mind, Rick is doing a fantastic job!!
He's doing the work I want/need him to do.
I hope he keeps up the good work -- GO RICK!!
There's always the chance that Rick will have a sudden "epiphany" caused by a future action on Sally's part. That's a risk, but I am not worried about that really. I am more concerned that she'll sit in the doldrums of their relationship and we can all continue to suffer.
Wow! What started out as a set up to what I really wanted to talk about turned into a post unto itself. Shocking, I tell you. ;-)
I'm going to post this and start working on my next one, before it turns into a book!
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