"You see the world through your cynical eyes. You're a troubled young man I can tell. You've got it all in the palm of your hand, but your hand's wet with sweat and your head needs a rest.Well, I cannot claim to be "young" anymore, but I can certainly claim my share of anger and recognize how I often fool myself. It's not something that I wear like a badge of honor. Quite to the contrary, actually -- it's more like something shameful that I try to keep hidden from the rest of the world. Frankly, it's why I write about it here!
You're foolin' yourself, if you don't believe it. You're kidding yourself, if you don't believe it.
How can you be such an angry young man, when your future looks quite bright to me? How can there be such a sinister plan, that could hide such a lamb, such a caring young man?
You're foolin' yourself, if you don't believe it. You're kidding yourself, if you don't believe it"
Partial lyrics to Angry Young Man by Styx
Yeah, it's been like that recently. In fact, it seems like it's that way more and more. It feels more like it's part of a recurring theme here lately -- there are things afoot and I'm not sure how much longer that I can go with them in their current state.
I keep getting signs that both discourage and encourage me. Sally and I have been talking about it.
Not that I give a shit, but I think that Rick is likely in a similar situation to me. In fact, I think we have something in common (other than we're both in love with the same woman) -- neither one of us really wants the other in their life. I know he only tolerates it, because Sally wants it. I know I only tolerate it for that reason. At the end of the day, I want Rick gone. Period. There's no changing that.
I know in my heart that Rick feels the same way. I'm positive that he'd be ecstatic to have me out of the way and "get things back to normal", whatever "normal" is. I've not seen normal in a long, long time. And I'm OK with both of these things. That's part of what fuels this for me. There's an outcome that I want and am playing for. My options are to either call it off or keep playing it out until there's a clear direction indicated.
I told this to Sally and it pissed her off. He he he. Well, I don't think it's funny (per se), but it is curious. I have a hard time understanding how she doesn't see this as a reasonable response from either of us. Yes, we are all in an "open relationship" together, but (really) one partner is driving the train. Neither he or I are in this situation because this is the way that we want it.
I've said before that part of my reticence to act (i.e. let her go) is around the emotional toll that I know it would take on Sally. Part of it is that I don't want to be the one responsible for plunging her into an even darker state. She's had a lot of disruptive change and I don't want to add to it. At the same time, I know that I am going to have to do something at some point.
In a certain sense, I also believe that part of it is a test of endurance -- I refuse to let that fucker win!
Yup. I torture myself, don't I? :-/
Sally and I talked about some of this recently and it really got to me.
She told me recently that it gets harder with every passing day to keep going with things the way that they are, especially when he is acting like a prick, which apparently is not an unusual occurrence! ;-)
She said that she is really trying hard to keep their marriage together, because she doesn't want to be a failure at yet another thing. Well, I've told her numerous times that it's not all on her and failing is OK. We all fail. So what? If she has self-worth, self-confidence issues or something similar, then address those issues. Keeping something that isn't working propped up (giving the appearance of working) is not viable for the long haul.
She also confirmed for me that she feels like she's wearing herself out, trying to make time for both of us. I am in touch with her regularly and I know this to be true. She is always fatigued. Of course, Rick (whom I shall likely refer to often as "fucknuts" (or "FN", for short) from now on) gets the majority of the benefit of these actions.
She said that she no longer feels the way for him that he does for her. So what does that do? It fuels the guilt that pushes her even harder to try to make things right for Rick! The bottom line for me I guess is that I should consider myself lucky to get my "sloppy seconds." Fuck me to tears.
In a certain sense, I do consider myself extremely lucky. In another, I am infuriated beyond belief.
It's this duality that haunts me on a daily basis. There's no moving forward and there is no going back -- I am stuck here, until I make a choice. Whether this will be by choice or forced has yet to be determined.
There are a number of reasons why she is reticent in taking action and most of them I understand. I don't pressure her at all to make any changes that aren't fitting for her. At the same time, I know that I cannot say what I think/feel, because she uses it as way of pressuring/punishing herself and/or thinking that I am either unhappy over or overly judgmental about her situation. Nothing about that is true.
Living each day with things the way that they are isn't even close to being easy. In fact, it's more nightmarish than I'd ever imagined it would be.
The only time that I am truly happy is when I am with Sally -- and that just fucking sucks.
I told this to Sally and it pissed her off. He he he. Well, I don't think it's funny (per se), but it is curious. I have a hard time understanding how she doesn't see this as a reasonable response from either of us. Yes, we are all in an "open relationship" together, but (really) one partner is driving the train. Neither he or I are in this situation because this is the way that we want it.
I've said before that part of my reticence to act (i.e. let her go) is around the emotional toll that I know it would take on Sally. Part of it is that I don't want to be the one responsible for plunging her into an even darker state. She's had a lot of disruptive change and I don't want to add to it. At the same time, I know that I am going to have to do something at some point.
In a certain sense, I also believe that part of it is a test of endurance -- I refuse to let that fucker win!
Yup. I torture myself, don't I? :-/
Sally and I talked about some of this recently and it really got to me.
She told me recently that it gets harder with every passing day to keep going with things the way that they are, especially when he is acting like a prick, which apparently is not an unusual occurrence! ;-)
She said that she is really trying hard to keep their marriage together, because she doesn't want to be a failure at yet another thing. Well, I've told her numerous times that it's not all on her and failing is OK. We all fail. So what? If she has self-worth, self-confidence issues or something similar, then address those issues. Keeping something that isn't working propped up (giving the appearance of working) is not viable for the long haul.
She also confirmed for me that she feels like she's wearing herself out, trying to make time for both of us. I am in touch with her regularly and I know this to be true. She is always fatigued. Of course, Rick (whom I shall likely refer to often as "fucknuts" (or "FN", for short) from now on) gets the majority of the benefit of these actions.
She said that she no longer feels the way for him that he does for her. So what does that do? It fuels the guilt that pushes her even harder to try to make things right for Rick! The bottom line for me I guess is that I should consider myself lucky to get my "sloppy seconds." Fuck me to tears.
In a certain sense, I do consider myself extremely lucky. In another, I am infuriated beyond belief.
It's this duality that haunts me on a daily basis. There's no moving forward and there is no going back -- I am stuck here, until I make a choice. Whether this will be by choice or forced has yet to be determined.
There are a number of reasons why she is reticent in taking action and most of them I understand. I don't pressure her at all to make any changes that aren't fitting for her. At the same time, I know that I cannot say what I think/feel, because she uses it as way of pressuring/punishing herself and/or thinking that I am either unhappy over or overly judgmental about her situation. Nothing about that is true.
Living each day with things the way that they are isn't even close to being easy. In fact, it's more nightmarish than I'd ever imagined it would be.
The only time that I am truly happy is when I am with Sally -- and that just fucking sucks.
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