What's Good For The Goose...

is good for the gander, or so that saying goes.

Quite frankly, I don't know what gooses and ganders have to do with each other, but I'll take it that there is a connection, because I am too lazy to Google it ;-)

Sally has been on a trip and several things have been happening. Let's take a quick look, shall we?

Stuff always seems to come up around trips, especially to certain well known locations, this trip being to one of those. I know that over the course of the trip, she's bound to get more "in a funk" about it. Seems like it's more a function of the relations in that area and it seems to trigger a lot of memories for her -- some good, some bad. It's hard to predict when it will all "go South," but it's pretty predictable that it will.

On a normal day, if I were to suggest that "I'll see if I can call you today", I'd get a rash and a shit about that. Well, over this trip, that's exactly what she's been doing with me. She ends our morning text message exchange with "I'll see if I can call you later today." Some days she does, some days she doesn't. In case you're wondering, no, she didn't call today.

From what I can tell, there's no rhyme or reason for why or accounting for that. Yeah, I know that she's busy, but it's not like I am high maintenance and expect that I should be spending a lot of time on the phone with her. The only thing that I really want is to connect briefly and tell her that I love her. To hear her voice and for her to hear mine. It's not like I am some sort of overbearing, demanding asshole. No, I am quite reasonable in my requests.

The curious thing is that I know that she always makes time to talk with Rick -- ALWAYS! You'd probably be saying to yourself that "well, they're married, so they have different rules" and I'd be the first to admit that this is true. They do have different rules and I am the "third wheel." I fit in where I fit in and that's that. Part of me wonders whether it's just her way of pulling back a little bit.i

The other thing that I noticed this past week, which I consider to be similar in character, is her telling me that "I'm going out with a few friends for happy hour tonight." When she tells me this, I am the first to say something like "I hope that you have a good time... I think you deserve it." It may seem like a "little thing," but why can't she say I'm going with my girlfriend Jane, Jill or whoever it might be?

When I tell her what I am doing, I always try to let her know who I am going to be with and include her to the maximum extent practical. This kinda smells like pulling back to me, but I don't know that it's even something conscious on her part. It may not seem like a big deal, but it would be a demonstration that she's including me in her life.

While she has been on this trip, Rick went on a date. She told me about it via text while they were on the phone discussing it. Apparently, the gal Rick went on the date with wants to take things to the next level with him and be more than social. I smiled when she noted that and I said "that sounds good to me." We (obviously) haven't had the chance to talk about it yet, so I don't know how all of this is sitting with her. Hell, even if I did talk with her, I likely wouldn't get the real scoop until I see her in person. She's not one for talking on phones, except when it suits her.

To top this off, I have a trip planned less than 36 hours after her planned return. She knows this and I told her that our window to see each other was rather narrow. I mentioned it again and then she brought up that her day was going to be "very busy." In a certain sense, it's like she's trying to fit me in. Almost as if I am an inconvenience to her life plans. It's not what she said about it that left me with it, it's how she represented it when we talked on the phone.

So, it's good for goose, good for the gander, right? Given that she interacts with me like that, shouldn't I pull my punches as well? Shouldn't I do the same thing in return? After all, she's told me that I can do what I want with who and she has nothing to say about it. [Uh, yeah, right.]

I don't know what all this means. It's all quite confusing for me. I don't deal with this stuff well. I am still getting my feet under me relationally and this is all very challenging. I wish it weren't that way.

There are times I can kick my own ass for living my life like this and there are times that I thank my lucky stars that I have the life I have.

One gigantic fucking contradiction.

It can be extremely tiring sometimes...