It sometimes seems like I am existing in a prison of my own construction.
A prison that is built out of a series of relationships.
I can't move forward, yet I cannot move away.
It's quite puzzling, actually.
In my professional life, I wouldn't stand for what I am tolerating in my personal life.
Indeed, if I were to advise *me* on what to do, I'd say something along the lines of "cut your losses and move on... nothing good will come from this."
Yet, I find that I am unable to do so.
As Sally had been gone with Rick for the past days, it's not uncommon that we don't get a chance to talk with each other. One of the "standing rules" is that when they have their time together, time with me takes a back seat. I can certainly understand that, but it doesn't mean that I have to like it.
In fact, I don't just dislike it -- I actively hate it.
It's an ongoing reminder of how much I am not a part of Sally's life, despite the fact that I try to make her a part of mine. Interestingly enough, as I think I've noted in the past, she feels the exact same way about me. Heh. She even told me that last week.
We finally had the chance to talk today, though it wasn't until I took the initiative to call her that she called me back. I was wondering whether I was going to hear from her or not. I think if I hadn't called, I might not have gotten the call back.
Our call was short and sweet. She doesn't like talking on the phone in the first place, so that kinda artificially limits the duration of calls from the start of one. On top of that, she's already dealing with the aftermath of recent events, so now she's also a tad depressed as well. What a stellar combination, eh?
In a certain sense, with each passing day where the current situation persists, I keep asking myself:
"Will today be the day when I decide I can no longer take it anymore?"
This is not an entirely rhetorical question.
I find that it gets easier and easier, as time passes, to answer the question with:
"You know what? I think today just may be that day!"Part of me wants to do that and force her hand. Another part of me is legitimately concerned for her well-being and the knowledge that my breaking things off with her would send her off the deep end.
The truth is that I don't want to do that. I have a glimmer of hope that, in the end, she might decide that she really does want to be with me and will leave Rick. Then again, I know that the odds are not stacked in my favor -- not even close to even money! No, it's a long shot, at best.
Yet, despite knowing the reality of the situation, I keep on keeping on.
I hold that dream in front of me as if it has a chance of happening.
I keep living this double life, hoping that someday soon, I'll be able to eliminate the alternative and just live one life.
The one where Sally and I are together full-time.
Which brings me back to the question where this all started:
"Is there anybody out there?"
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