No, not me. Yeah, I know I am and I just try to ride it out when it hits me.
Sally? Heh. Not so much.
In my last post, I talked about the incredible amount of grief that Sally gave me over some social media comments that I made to someone. She proceeded to make it into a whole incident and go haywire! No, I'm not kidding.
She came fucking unglued on me!!!!
She told me that she almost walked away and that I'd never have seen her again. I know that this was completely true for her. She got so completely plugged in by the conversation we had, it was out of this world. It's one of the few times that I've seen her go off the deep end. And, boy, she sure went deep!
We were together for a while on the weekend and spoke with each other about this and it went very South very quickly. At the end of the night, when there was clearly no more to talk about, I told her to go home and get some rest. I left and headed home. I thought that she was going to be right behind me, but she didn't leave. I ended up hearing about it a short time later. She totally cleaned my clock for not being there for her when she needed me and not giving her the things that she needed.
Well, I'll be the first to admit that she had a point and was quick to acknowledge that. Yes, I should probably have handled things much differently than I did, but I made the best decision that I could at the time.
I ended up telling her the next day something that I had been feeling for a long time. When you get right down to it, I've not got a lot of experience in romantic relationships. I've given her more of myself in more ways than I've given anyone else -- even Sandy! Yes, even her. I am the equivalent of a frustrated teenager (relationally speaking) in a grown mans body.
More often than not, I am so perplexed by what I am experiencing, I don't know up from down. I don't have a way of being able to really determine what is the right thing to do. She told me that, in such a situation, any normal girl would expect "x" and in another case would expect "y." She said that I should know that. Well, fact is, I don't know that. I'm groping for clues and hoping that I don't fuck it all up in the process.
To make matters worse, I'm getting mixed signals over here. One moment, it's "don't leave me, I need you..." The next moment it's "go away, I don't need anyone, especially you!" I don't know how to deal with that duality -- I can't make heads or tails of it! It confuses the hell out of me and I don't deal with confusion well. More often than not, when faced with such circumstances, I will do my best to figure it out, take what actions I can and then look to succumb to the pressure and give up.
What else is there to do!?!?
About the only thing I know to do is to try to take responsibility for what my part of it is and try to clean up what I can. In the end, I am more than willing to acknowledge my shortcomings and commit to doing better over time. I don't get upset about that any more, because it's not worth it and I am quick to recognize when I mess things up.
Basically, at the end of the conversation, she was in a place where she felt that she needed to protect herself, decrease her "needing me" and decide whether she was willing to continue with me. At this point, it was really uncertain whether or not our relationship would survive into the next week. In fact, at one point, she actually suggested that we end our relationship! I was kind of shocked by that.
I told her that I wasn't about to call it quits and give up. Far from it, actually. I wasn't going anywhere and would do whatever it took to take our relationship to the next level.
At this point, I had already made some plans, so I went on to do those things and we really didn't talk for the rest of the day. We exchanged some text messages throughout the day and it was all fairly disconnected.
We were planning on seeing each other the next day, but hadn't confirmed anything. In fact, there was some question about what block of time would actually work for her. By early evening she sent me a note that said that tomorrow would be the time to get together, but given how things stood between us, it might be an academic exercise. I quickly responded and said that I did indeed want to be with her. I would make whatever time available that she was willing to give to me. We confirmed the time and called it a night.
The next day, she showed up at my place and we had a great time together. After we played around and had sex, we talked for a bit and it was good. She hadn't come full circle on whether or not things were "fixed", but she was better than she was the last time we had talked and exchanged text messages.
We finally exchanged some text messages yesterday where she told me that she felt foolish for getting so jealous and then overreacting.
She finally admitted that she got completely consumed by her jealousy and that is what was running the show.
I about sang a chorus of Hallelujah!
Something else interesting came up in the process of talking about this.
It looks like "Ranger Rick" (Rick) is finally going to go on a date with a woman. He's planning on doing this while Sally is out of town on an upcoming trip. The choice of dates wasn't intentional, just the way it is playing out.
As it turns out, Rick is taking this date to an event that Sally bought the tickets for for him. So, in essence, she's paid money to have Rick have a date and (potentially/theoretically) hook up with another woman. In other words, she's helping him get laid! ;-)
The interesting thing about this is that she did this without any hesitation! She clearly doesn't feel the same way about him that she feels about me. There are (currently) not any feelings of jealousy associated with Rick. That could change, but I seriously doubt it.
I told her that I understood the whole jealousy thing, as I deal with that on a pretty regular basis. It happens for a little bit and then I let it go. I don't try to manage it. I experience it and let it go. I didn't make her wrong for that. Quite the contrary! I thanked her for caring and considering me important enough to actually be jealous.
In the end, I think that we have come to some new place. She's acknowledged that she overreacted (based in jealousy) and that she should be looking to provide me the same openness that she gives to Rick. I don't expect that of her and I am intent on ensuring that I don't put her in that position again. I don't want to trigger/prompt that reaction in her.
As far as Rick goes, I know that she doesn't want to have sex with him again and I hope that Rick finally manages to get laid and leaves my girlfriend alone! ;-)
What a tangled mess, eh? Yeah, it is.
Well, I guess we'll see where this goes.
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