The More Things Change...

The more they stay the same... Or so goes that old saying.
In this case, I think it's interesting that it's not that far from the truth.

I found out that Sally got sick last night, after having gone out with Rick.
She didn't feel well this morning and said that she was feeling a bit cranky, dealing with what she'd been dealing with so far.

I thought to myself "well, there's not much I can do about what you already have to do, but I can sure do something to brighten your day, right?"
That's when I invited her to lunch. She accepted.

So I left to join her for lunch.
Here's what happened...

I showed up when I promised to and we headed out to a restaurant close to her workplace.
It was a good idea to do that, because she tends to be a bit time constrained during the day.

We sat down and started talking. Initially, it was mostly "small talk" and a little play back-and-forth with each other. Very enjoyable banter, in my opinion.

I asked her about getting sick last night. She and Rick shared entrees, so it wasn't the food. She'd only had two drinks, so it wasn't the alcohol. Neither of those could adequately explain it. I thought about it too and the only thing I could figure out was some sort of temporary stomach flu, but that didn't make much sense either. I asked her if she now felt any better and she said that she did! So, with no more than that, I am a happy guy. I've been able to make her day a little better than before I showed up. Yay!

After out food arrived, we started getting down to the meat of the conversation. So, when she and Rick went out dinner, they continued the conversation that they started the other night. She highlighted the comments that she made about wanting to be comfortable around him.

One of the things that came from the last conversation was that she was looking to experience a level of connection and intimacy around him that has been missing. It turns out that she's partially kept the residual anger up so that he'd not try to initiate sexual contact.

In letting down this "guard," she wanted to be in a position where they could embrace, but not have that be regarded as "let's go have sex." So, it seemed at the time that, he'd understood her point and was agreeing to "behave" himself around her.

It also seemed that he understood that she was being very generous in providing him the opportunity to get help and work out his issues. One of the things that she said which I made specific note of was that even if he did get the appropriate help he needed, there was no guarantee that at the end of the period she would have rekindled feelings for him. From my perspective, this was huge.

Well, as it turns out, they covered this same ground last night in their dinner conversation. I'm thinking to myself "good, I'm glad that she's having these conversations and getting things set up the way that she needs them."

I no sooner get that thought into my head when she says to me "So, Rick, tried to get some last night."

I think the look on my face spoke for itself. It was a:

"What kind of fucking idiot would go through two separate, tough conversations, be told that physical intimacy is not available right now and still do that!?"

Of course, this is a really a rhetorical question to myself, because I know the answer:

Rick would and did!

So, I asked her "well, what did you do about that?" And that's when it came out how she got sick last night.

Apparently, he started making advances when the got into bed, gradually getting closer and closer to her. As he got closer, she started feeling more and more uncomfortable, until the point where she got physically sick to her stomach!!!

It seems that, at this point, he'd fallen asleep, but she was left ill. What a generous gesture, don't you think?

You have to appreciate that I am sitting there, trying not to let my jaw drop open and have all my food fall out of it. I can't believe what I am hearing! I ask her:

"This is the same guy that you talked with about this no more than four hours prior to this AND for the second time this week, right?!"

She said "yes."

I couldn't just sit there and say nothing. That would just have left me with a huge issue for myself to deal with. I finally told her that I thought it was very selfish and self-centered of him to have had the conversation with you about what you needed, only to completely ignore it and go for getting laid.

And then the conversation went to a basis of sex as a "wifely duty."

I just about fucking lost it there, but didn't let what I was thinking fly from my mouth. We talked about it a bit more and I related the very last time where Sandy and I had sex together. It was done out of obligation and was one of the worst experiences (sexually speaking) I have ever had. I felt both nauseous and dirty after having done that. I vowed in that moment to never do that again.

Wow. What a "lunch date."
The story keeps getting better all the time, eh?

At this point, all I can say is:

"Thank you, Rick. Keep it up! You're making my job easier!"

And that's exactly how I feel. I just can't comprehend how he'd be so insensitive that he'd play for that, knowing that this is an issue and she's had negative reactions (partially a result of "the incident") while having sex with me (nothing that I did, by the way).

This is the quality of man that she's giving a "second chance" to. The one that she acknowledges has been behind a consistent level of unhappiness and dissatisfaction for about 80% of the time that they have been married. Who has consistently avoided dealing with issues that are of significant concern and a source of suffering for Sally.

This is the person that she grants that opportunity to.
It's exactly why I shake and scratch my head.

It's no wonder that I often stand off to the side and wonder to myself:

"How much of a fucking loser must I be that she would choose to give this guy all  the chances in the world over me and not just leave him? Am I really that much of a putz?"

OK, I realize that I am being extremely hard on myself there, but there's a certain part of me that thinks that this is a very timely, relevant question. I mean, really. For the past (over) two years, I've done everything I can to be there for her and make the case that I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

And I keep losing out to "this guy" <sigh>

Oh well. Onward and upward! ;-)