It was about the notion of "sex as an obligation."
Damn, my life can be complicated at times.
Here's what happened...
On this particular day, Sally and I were having a conversation about a lot of different things. In a very uncharacteristic moment of candor, we also started talking about the prospect of her restarting her sexual activities with Rick. As background, you need to realize that this is the same person that she is giving a six-month break to, to find out if their marriage can survive.
So the essence is that the two of them talked about the fact that Rick wants to have sex again. You can imagine that I was not shocked to hear this. Not in the slightest. Rather than beat around the bush, I asked her the direct questions. Here are the key elements of her responses in our discussion:
- If they never had sex again, she'd be fine with that, but she currently doesn't feel like she can say "no" to him, given they are married
- She said that she doesn't want to and that she doesn't have the feelings for him that would have her want to have sex with him
From there, I asked her how she thought he'd react, if she told him how she really felt? She told me that she knew he'd have a problem with it. Now, again, this one isn't shocking either, eh? No, it makes perfect sense. She went on to justify this to me by describing how infrequently it was that they actually did have sex, how short the "sessions" lasted and the fact that she hardly ever has an orgasm with him! Finally, she also noted that there are things that we do together that are for me alone.
I made it clear that if she decided that she chose to have sex with him, given these conditions, that's completely her choice. I wouldn't give her any shit for it. At that point, we needed to wrap up the discussion. I never really got to say more about it or what I thought about it.
Quite frankly, I wasn't in a position to really say much about it that made sense at the time, because it caught me off guard and put me back on my heels. I was completely engulfed in my reaction to the conversation. My pulse was racing, I was sweating and I could feel myself getting wound up. It was absolutely horrible.
Over the past week, I've spent a bit of time thinking about it. I haven't changed my mind at all. In fact, if anything, I've solidified my thinking about it. Here are the key points:
When "Yes" doesn't really mean "Yes"
I am completely against that as a basis for sexual relations. I think it's unhealthy and disingenuous. I read a blog posting on this very thing and it seems that this may be a pretty broad-based phenomenon. The key points in the post is in this quote:
"Some believe they are obligated to provide sex to their husband as the wife; they give in because it is their duty (This is also true in non-marital relationships).
The bottom-line: many women are saying yes to sex because of their sense of obligation and/or fear of their partner’s reaction to a “no”
Terry Real, my long-time mentor, calls this being a “sex slave”. If you believe you do not have the right to say no, then your “yes” is not a “yes”. As you can imagine, being a sex slave will erode sexual desire."In just a few short paragraphs, she nailed the essence of the issue for me. It was now perfectly clear to me exactly what was bothering me about it.
The bottom line is this:
If one partner doesn't want to and the other does, then the partner that does can work on getting a sex partner to satisfy their desires. That is the honorable way of handling it.
For God's sake, that's exactly the way that their relationship is currently configured! There is nothing stopping him from executing on that.
The post ends up with:
"CHALLENGE: When it comes to sex, make the decision to be true to yourself and say yes when you know you can do so with a good spirit. Do not put yourself in the “sex slave” position. Decide if you’d like to share this with your partner and if so, enjoy the intimacy. Commit to not say yes out of obligation or fear; say yes because you want to."Exactly! That's exactly the point!
All is "Back to Normal"
If she decides to do this, it's also a communication to Rick that "all is good and things are back to normal", when it's in fact not. Why do I say that?
One, men (my being one, I have an idea about this) associate sex with intimacy. When you're intimate and "things are working," that means that everything is OK. Why? Otherwise, you'd (as in, the guy) wouldn't be "getting any" (pussy).
One of the things that I am clear about is that Rick is a pretty simple dude -- and that's not my attempt at a cheap shot on him. No, quite to the contrary. I know exactly where the guy is living. How? I've been there myself!
I am clear that I spent many, many (... really, way to many) years as that simple dude. Ignorant, asleep and content(-ish), as long as I was fucking Sandy (my wife) semi-regularly. It really didn't matter whether she was happy about it or enjoying herself. No, she was my "sex slave." We went from being partners to her being my possession. I felt that she owed me it.
After the true depth of this became clear to me (and we started dealing with the crap in our marriage) that this was the situation, I found it next to impossible to be physically intimate with her. I had ZERO desire to be with her. In fact, I found it revolting! You may think that this is a strong term, but it's really what's true for me. The last time that I had sex with Sandy, it was the worst sexual experience of my life, bar none!
It's still an open question for me about where things stand with regards to that time Sally got physically sick from his advances, then having everything blow up and resulting in their agreement to give it six months. At some point, I am going to ask that question. I think that it'll likely be soon...
No Judgments
I will never berate her for choosing to do so. I don't have a lot to say in the matter. They are married and she can have sex with him as much as they want to.
Do I have a preference? Yes, of course I do! I don't want him to hug her, let alone anything more intimate.
Given the closing paragraph that I quote in the blog posting above, I'd like her to actually communicate this to him. If she did that and then he still demanded that from her, I think that says a lot about the guys character and the fact that he's just fucking as asleep as I was (or worse, didn't actually give a shit about her at all). In that case, if she decided to give in and have sex with him, so be it.
If she found that she wanted to have sex with him, then fine. I'd be as good as I could be with that. I still wouldn't like it, but I wouldn't give her any shit about it. Why? Because then it's something that she wanted to do! In this case, intention is everything.
Let's face facts here. She is not my property and I don't have the say over what she does. She is welcome to use her body in any way that she sees fit, with anyone that she sees fit. It's none of my damn business. Again, I have preferences, but it'd completely disingenuous of me to impose my will upon her. It would really be the ultimate double standard!
I have a lot of sex with Kate (without Sally, obviously) and I wouldn't stand for her telling me who I can/can't have sex with. The key difference is that I want to have sex with Kate and I intend to continue having sex with her until we aren't together anymore. I don't have any relational issues with Kate. If we had issues there, I wouldn't do it. Period!
I will never knowingly put myself in a situation where sex as an obligation might happen. It's awful and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.
Summary
It was good for me to write this post, because I really had to think about this and consider what my position is in the matter. There's nothing about this which is easy or straightforward, but I couldn't just operate over the top of it and pretend that it doesn't matter. That's just as bad as the alternative.
2012-04-25 @ 8:16 PM
Well, sure enough, after I sit down and think about it, I always end up thinking about something else that is worth writing about! Sheesh. In this case, it's not necessarily a thought that I am proud of, but I think I need to say it "out loud" (as much as one can do that when writing, eh? :-D ).
Earlier, I said that:
"Given the closing paragraph that I quote in the blog posting above, I'd like her to actually communicate this to him."
As I thought about this, it occurred to me that not having them communicate could be the best thing to happen to me! After all, in a certain sense, I don't want things to get better between them, do I? I mean, really. Let's tell the truth here. I don't. I want her all to myself without any of Rick in the picture.
If she actually communicates with him, something might actually get resolved and clear it up so that she starts feeling some fires rekindle between them. No, I don't want that.
In a certain sense, I want her feelings of distance from Rick to bake in. I want her to come to the realization that what they had isn't coming back and that the path forward is actually the path apart. That's what I really want.
One might say that this is a very selfish, narrow-minded and hurtful thing to wish for. On that front, I shall plead "guilty, as charged"! Why? Because, I am guilty of that. While I realize it, it's not something that I am proud of.
I know that what I want will have their marriage end and cause the woman I love even more pain/suffering than she's already experienced. I don't take pleasure in that, I can assure you. I'd rather have it all be over nice and quick, but that is not the way that this is working out.
She's moving forward in her own way and time. My task is to stand on the sidelines for a while and see how it unfolds. Of course, I will lob in a few hand grenades every now and then, just to be sure that she knows I am still paying attention and am willing to speak my mind! ;-)
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