The Best Is Yet To Come Undone

This is the title to a song by the rock group Lit... and it's also how I've been feeling the past couple of days.

It's not like I've been feeling down, but the reality of my situation has been hitting home for me. That's when it makes for really rough times.

As it stands, my relationship with Sally is simultaneously uplifting and depressing. I'm not sure that I have ever had an experience like this before. It's like a rapid swing from pleasure to pain and then back again. No distinct start or end.

Sally and I had a brief exchange via text message this AM. She talked about some decorating ideas that she had for their house. I responded back to her and said that I thought it was great, that she should tell me about it sometime.

Part of this was authentic interest, because I do care about her and thus care about the things that she considers important to her. Another part of it was covering over the underlying feeling of despair I have about the state of our relationship and where it's going.

I went out to breakfast this morning and was thinking about the "6 month" window that Sally has granted Rick. That's October before they really have anything to say about the future. Even then, it's right before the holidays. As such, I think it's unlikely that either of them will choose to make a significant change right before the onset of the holiday season.

So, for all intents and purposes, we are looking at the start of 2013 before anything happens, if it ever does. As I sat there eating my breakfast, I thought about how long that it really is.

One could say "well, it's really not that long. It'll be over before you know it."

Heh. God knows, I wish that it worked like that. But, it doesn't. Sally and I had a text exchange the other day where I (at least partially) laid out how things occur for me.

You see, it's not that I am sitting by my computer or my telephone waiting for a message or a call. Yet, in a lot of ways, I am. She told me that she doesn't want me to do that and that she doesn't want me to think of her as my everything. That's nice of her, but it really doesn't matter, does it?

That's exactly what it's like for me. Even when I am with Kate, there are not many times when I am not thinking about Sally. It's all consuming. It's not like I am choosing to think that or like I can turn it off. For goodness sake, I wish I could, but I can't. It's how I am wired and how things occur for me. I cannot stop that any more than I can control my autonomic functions. Yeah, you can't really do that. Even if you do, your body will force a reboot.

So, as I am sitting there, I am just overcome with this feeling of deadness -- like a part of me that I have truly valued is dying.

As I left the restaurant to go home, I found myself thinking about a future that didn't have Sally in it. I was sad, but it wasn't unbearable. Having the distinct sense that I'd be OK, just lonely and disappointed.

The truth is, especially if you look back over the course of my blog, you'll see that there have been lots of times that I've just about said that final "goodbye" and cut her loose. At the last minute, something changes and then I don't do it. I stay in the game. Partially it's the fact that I know that she's going through rough times. I didn't want to be the one that might push her over the edge.

I don't know. The next few weeks seem to me like they will be telling.

We are planning to have almost a full weekend together soon. It'll be interesting to see if that actually goes off. For some reason, I get this feeling that it may not, but I don't know why. It's not like she's said anything to me about it. Not even close. Yet, I have this nagging, recurring doubt.

Perhaps it's just a reflection of the state of our relationship. Perhaps it's a warning sign of something more significant/substantial. I don't know.

The one thing that I do know, if something doesn't change soon, it's extremely likely that I will not make it to the end of the year without making a change of my own.

That makes me very sad.