"I feel like I've been shot at & missed and shit at & hit"Why? Let me explain...
It mostly has to do with how Sally has been dealing with the question "should I stay or should I go?" Damn. Everything seems to be coming up as a song title today! ;-)
Anyhow, I find myself teetering back and forth between two emotional polarities. One is an unbridled sense of optimism and hope; the other is a sense of doom and profound sadness.
She and I had an interaction earlier today and she told me about how things were going for her. Let's say that it was not pretty. She's got a lot going on and the fact that I am in the picture really complicates matters for her.
I'm positive that, if it weren't for my presence in her life, she'd not even be entertaining this right now. So, from my perspective, she's made more movement than I had ever expected her to make. The fact that I am even in the running right now is pretty incredible. Yet, at the same time, the whole sense of uncertainty around her fuels uncertainty around me.
When we are not around each other, she normally plays her cards pretty close to the chest. She tends not to be very emotional, so when she does get emotional, I know that there's something major going on. She had talked with me about all of the conflicting thoughts in her head about where she is right now. And I can completely relate to those.
It seems as though no matter which decision you make, you are ultimately screwing yourself and someone else. I know that it's not her intention to hurt anyone, but when you end a relationship, there are going to be some hurts that accompany it -- like it or not. It's just how it goes. She also wants to keep her nice cozy life in order. Well, that's another problem. It doesn't work like that either.
For fucks sake, I know that better than anyone. Yes, I do know that one from personal experience. No, I don't have her circumstances, I have had my share of other circumstances and none of that has been remotely easy for me. None of it.
Part of me sincerely wants to withdraw and let her go through it, but part of me knows that isn't a good thing to do. Fuck this is hard. It's like it's all on my back to keep things moving. If I stay too close, she'll get pissed and pull away. If I move to far away, she'll look at me as if I don't care and am not taking her needs into consideration. Quite the conundrum, eh?
I know that Sally has a jealous streak and that's why I don't bring up things about "dating" with her. Part of me wants to say -- "Choose already. If you don't want me, there are plenty of other women who would. I can leave today." But I am not enough of an asshole to do that to her. She's already got enough crap of her own to deal with. I certainly don't want to go adding to that, without due cause.
Yet, I do know that it's taking a toll on me. I'm often finding it hard to think and operate. I'm constantly distracted and am almost always thinking about her. It's almost like a curse. When things go well with her, things go well in my life. When they are cloudy for her, they are cloudy for me. When they suck for her, they...
You get the idea, right? I didn't plan it this way. It's just kind of how it has worked out for me.
Not a day goes by where I look at myself in the mirror and ask:
"How much more can you take?!"As of right now, I'm increasingly unsure. I am just hoping that all doesn't fall apart for me before she makes her decision.
Update: 01 Apr @ 5:22 PM
I just heard from Sally via IM. We were planning on having an overnight stay together next weekend. I've been planning a big surprise for her. I got a gift that she is going to go bonkers over. I was planning on giving it to her then.
She let me know that she "forgot" that this was Easter weekend. So, our overnight is now canceled. I don't know what she's doing for the holiday, but I know it won't be with me. So, I guess I'll have to save my surprise for another time, huh?
I ABSOLUTELY HATE BEING THE GUY ON THE OUTSIDE!
This is just another example of how the stress and strain is increasing.
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