Temporary Stay of Execution

Well, at least that's what it currently feels like.
After Sally and I had that series of interactions, including her e-mail to me, things got kind of sketchy.
I took on writing my (usual) thoughtful and detailed reply to her.
And then she interrupted me in the middle of it.
Why? Well...

She texted me and asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was keeping my promise to her -- I was crafting a return e-mail. Her response was pithy -- "Ugh". This was followed shortly by an invitation to have coffee/tea with her. I was only a part of the way done with it and had a long time to go, so I thought that having the chance to do it in person was preferable.

I hate writing that shit. Why? When you just look at the text literally, it's too easy to lose the plot, drop out the context or completely get the tone wrong. And she knows that I hate that. We've got enough experience together to know that this leads to suboptimal results. Yes, I am being generous there. Most of the time it blows up horribly.

I suggested a restaurant that we'd been to before and knew that it was likely we'd get a table where we could stay for a while and not feel pressured to leave. I found that she'd beat me there by about 20 minutes and was already enjoying a drink. I sat down and then started the conversation off using the e-mail as my guide.

Needless to say, the conversation was interesting. These were the major points:

1. The first is that we have both been holding each other as being responsible for our behavior to the other, but didn't expect the same from the other. That may not be too clear, so let me cite an example. I told her that whenever something comes up in my life or I am considering my future, how it will impact her/us is one of the first things that I think about. I don't even have to think about it -- it's just how it happens. Me? I don't expect that of her. In fact, quite the opposite.
2. I told her that I realize where I stand in the pecking order. She has her "real life" and then me. When push came to shove, her real life wins every time. And I completely understood that and didn't have a complaint about it. I was also clear about that I really appreciated what it took to make time to be with me and include me to the extent that she does.
3. I didn't feel as though that I was putting my life on hold or sacrificing anything to be with her. I would never use our relationship status to constrain myself. 
4. I told her what was true for me about the nature of our relationship. Up until "the incident," I was more or less fine with the way things were going. Once that happened, the world changed. Everything changed and that cannot be undone for me. She told me that she regretted reaching out to me on that and we had a lengthy discussion about it. I didn't tell her about the raw level of hate and anger that I channel towards Rick. That wouldn't have served anything.
5. I am happy with the basis on which she's considering the split and she can have whatever time she feels she needs to do it,

Given this was a conversation, it wasn't just what I had to say. I was interested in what she had to say too. Three things stand out:

1. She told me that she felt that she was doing the same thing too and didn't feel that I was really including her in all parts of my life. That she goes to great lengths to include me, but still feels like she's left out.
2. She asked me: "Do you really feel that you aren't a part of my life?" I said, "yes, I do. You've told me that" Then she said "That was a long time ago and a lot has happened since then."
3. There are things that she doesn't ask me questions about. I would imagine that's specifically about my dating life beyond her.
4. She said that she isn't ready to make another significant change in her life right now. She's had so many things happen and important relationships go sour that any more would push her over the edge.
5. She constantly thinks about the question "Am I going to dump her today?" and she's said to me that to her this would be a tragic loss that she's not sure that she could recover from.

#2 was big for me, because it was something that stored in my memory and stood out. That's the truly screwed thing about memory -- all of the bad stuff is easily accessible, little of the good stuff ever stays around. In this case, we identified an old notion that needed to be taken out behind the barn and shot. So I did. That one is done. I have no doubt that I am part of her life.

The way I see it, #3 is important too, because there are things that I intentionally don't offer that info on. It's not relevant to our relationship and I have permission to do what I want with who I want, so I choose not to discuss it. From my perspective, this only leads to feeding the fear, uncertainty and doubt she has about our future together. What good does that do anyone? None. That's the answer.

#4 I could completely get and is partially why I have hung in there with her (and not dump her for Kate -- see #5, eh?).  No, I didn't want to be the one that sent everything flying off the rails. I told her that I have no desire to see her be unhappy, quite the opposite. If there were something I could do to ensure that, I would.

I again reinforced my commitment to her to let her manage her transition in her own way and in her own time. I also didn't pull any punches on it. I told her that I have my preferences and they are well known. I also told her that I am neither making nor asking for any promises. She's going to make her choice in around six months about what direction to go in. I don't have to say what I want over and over again.

We ended up this part of the conversation discovering a little more about each other and correcting some things.

The second half of the conversation I couldn't have predicted. She had the conversation with Rick. She told me that she finally got to the point where she couldn't take any more. She called him and asked him to meet for dinner at a restaurant. Then she let it all out, including that she's been examining what it would take for her to be on her own. I was surprised by this and it sounds like it was a productive conversation for them.

There key things that I took away from the discussion were:

• They now have an agreement about how to be around their home where she doesn't have to feel like she needs to walk on egg shells or be upset around Rick to manage his behavior.
• They are going to continue the process of unwinding their financial obligations.
• It sounds like Rick is getting the help that he needs. He asked for 6 months to get his ass straightened out and she agreed. If she decides then or after that she'd still like to leave, then he'll accept that.

So, this is what I meant about the "temporary stay of execution." This is not a commutation of sentence, but it's bought a little time. I don't begrudge her that. I want her to experience joy in her life and be happy wherever she is.

At the same time, I'm pretty clear that she realizes that the likely outcome of her staying with Rick will be losing me. It's not something that I am going to use to my advantage and manipulate her and her decision making process. That's not my speed and I told her that. She's got a choice to make and that's that.

I am happy that Rick is now getting help, but what happened during "the incident" caused real damage that she may either never get over or will take a long time to resolve. And, yes, I have had the opportunity to directly experience the bad after effects of that with her and I can tell you how terrible it actually is. It pisses me off more than I can really let on to Sally.

She told me that she doesn't know if she'll ever be able to forgive him for it. For me, this is fucking huge!!! This just reinforces my view that they should split. Period. Take me out of the picture for a second. Just based upon what she's told me about it, I think that's enough to fully justify getting divorced. That she will even consider staying with him, once he's done his time trying to recover is beyond my comprehension.

Now that everything is on the table, I can deal with this interim period. I know that she cannot make a move prematurely and I support that. Things will stay in neutral for just a bit. We'll take it a bit at a time and see where it goes.

It still doesn't leave me with the "warm fuzzies" about anything. In fact, if anything, it reinforces that a bit. And, at the same time, I am a bit more at peace with being in limbo. Very curious.

I will give her credit for getting the conversation up on the table with Rick. It's a step in the right direction. I didn't expect her to do it when she did, but she did. I knew it'd happen when she was ready for it. Heh, in a certain sense, we know how each other will react/respond better than we know ourselves.

I have predicted all along that she's going to pick the familiar, not the unknown/untested and I have no plan of altering that. I think that would be a very bad bet on my part. Then again, with how my life has played out, I've not done a stellar job of placing my bets or following through... [sigh].

Anyway, there's nothing that I need to do differently. I just need to live my life and handle my relationships and circumstances.

I'm glad that it doesn't take any more than that, because right now, I don't have it.