To Tell The Truth...

No, I don't intentionally lie or withhold aspects of the truth, but you just can't go around blurting out whatever is on your mind. That's just as damaging as withholding -- sometimes even worse. I figured that my day with Sally yesterday would give me the time to talk with her and bring out some of the points I was hoping to make in the letter I had started writing.

As it turns out, the opportunity did present itself.

As I have mentioned before, when we have sex, this is not a 10 minute affair. It goes for a number of hours and it's very intense. Yesterday was no exception. It even included a short nap for good measure... I love it when Sally falls asleep in my arms. It's a wonderful feeling! I told her that last night when we got home and were on IM again. Again, I digress...

It's not a non-stop physical performance either, don't get me wrong. There are times when we just be with each other and talk a little. Turns out that these are some of the most intimate conversations that we have. Not at all surprising, huh? :-)

She joked around (a little) with me yesterday and said "it's a good thing that we're not around each other all the time, because we'd never get out of bed". We both laughed, as there is an element of truth to it, but there is also an element of fiction. The truth is that when I am with her in bed, I don't want to leave. Period. And I also know that she really doesn't either. The fictional part of  it is that the trip is that we spent more time together out of bed than we did in bed on that trip.

One of the things that she noted yesterday was that the trip "made things tougher" (for her). I'm positive it did and I am glad for it. Why? Well, I said that one of the things that I wanted to have happen on this trip was to have us have some time outside of the bedroom and get to know each other better. I wanted us to do things together as if we were a "normal couple". As it turns out, we did those things and I know that she loved it. It took her thoughts of being with me for more than a few hours at a time to an entirely new level -- one where it went from the fantasy of it to some tangible idea of what that would actually be like.

I believe that one of the things that the trip actually confirmed for her was that how she feels about me isn't limited to just the sexual portion of our relationship. I believe that it confirmed for her that the love that she feels for me is omnipresent and true. That was the real turning point of the trip and why her messages to me on Halloween (detailed in the post It's A Brand New Day) were so important.

Look, I'm not suffering any illusions here, if it were just about the sex, I'd concede the point and focus on that. It's clearly gone way beyond that and I am not about to back down now. I have a pretty pragmatic view on things and I dislike being fooled by myself or others.

Last night she said, "it's easy to be like this when you're not around each other all the time". Again, I think that there's a bit of questioning going on and that's OK. The thing that I told her was that "yes, it's true enough, but every relationship has to start somewhere". And starting off where you love someone like that is a good foundation in my book. Truth be told, my relationship with Sandy started off with much less than that. In fact, I really disliked her when we first met. I only warmed up over time.

My experience with Sally is completely different. I fell for her the first time that I laid eyes on her! I was done. I knew that down to my core. It's been a long road from that first day to here. In fact, she even commented about the fact that we've been together so long. She noted that this was very unusual for her to be with a single person this long, as she usually gets tired or bored.

Every time we are together, the end of our evening together is usually finished off with a shower together. Interesting fact is that I am the first man that she'd ever showered with... and it's something that I really enjoy doing. Actually, I love it! As we were getting out of bed, she asked me the question "what are we doing?" quickly followed by another question "what if it doesn't work out?" (or something similar). My first answer was a bit hurried and incomplete. So I took a second shot. I told her that (paraphrasing, but close to verbatim):

There's one thing that I am clear about and that's there are no guarantees in life.
It may work out, it may not. We just don't know.

What do I know?
I want to go to sleep with you;
I want to wake up with you;
I want to take baths with you;
I want to go to the movies with you;
There are so many things I want to do with you.

You've said that you want to do those things with me
and I know that you don't know how to get to there from where we are today and that's OK.

The thing that I know is that when I am with you I feel at home for the first time in my life.
I've never felt like this with anyone before.
And I think that you feel that when you're with me too.

I told her those things as I was holding her in my arms. I know that this was a lot for her to hear. It was at this point, that we got up and took our shower together.

It's a good thing that I took the time to write that letter, because much of what I said is what I wrote in the letter. It was perfect timing, really. It was also clear and unambiguous. No stuttering on my part. It was a perfect example of the truth being told. I could probably have gone a lot farther with it, but there was no need. The key points got made in the way that they needed to, at least for right now.

There's another interesting element to this story. Sally has been having killer headaches for months now. Originally there was concern that there was a physical basis for them, but she's gone through many rounds of tests -- all with negative results. That's both the good news and the bad news. We thought it might be her birth control medications playing games with her hormone levels. She stopped them and nothing happened. That leaves only one culprit -- STRESS! Of course, we know where one tremendous source of stress is... and that would be the duality represented by her relationship with me.

Going back to our trip for a moment, I find it interesting that she had no headaches the entire time that we were together on the trip. While she was quite quick to advise me to reading too much into that, it was too late. I'd already done it. :-) I wasn't at all surprised at it. In fact, I was quite happy about it. The way I see it, it was a validation.

The reason that I mention this is that I find out that today she has a terrible headache. Yes, there's no mystery here. It's all related!!

And she wrote something on her public blog last night that was also telling. She said the equivalent of that there are a couple of people in her life that she knows she needs to let go of, but isn't ready to make that decision yet. The key point is that she doesn't want to hurt anyone that she really cares about and it's something that I can completely appreciate.

When I see things like this, it's easy to take the low road. It's easy to interpret what has been written as some confirmation that "yep, I'm going to get kicked to the curb soon". In fact, it's way too easy! My instincts are good, but nowhere near perfect and I never anticipated what she told me on Halloween coming to pass, so I think I am right to be wary.

I think it's just as reasonable to interpret it as though she's made a decision in her mind to be with me, but just doesn't know how to get it done, because she doesn't want to hurt Ranger Rick. I can completely understand that. I am going to live my life as if that is going to happen and I am going to prepare for that. There's no downside to it, really. I am going to have to do that, if I consider being with someone else anyway. As such, there's no good reason why not to plan on being with her.

Of course, only time will tell on this. I can't force her to choose one way or another. Even if I could, I wouldn't. It's not how I work. I want her to come to whatever choice she makes on her own. If she chooses to be with me, great. I'm up for that and would be the happiest guy in the world. If she chooses to be with Ranger Rick, so be it. I will love and support her either way. Fact of f the matter is that I couldn't do otherwise. It's just not in my DNA. It's either a demonstration of how much I really do love her or how stupid I am. Maybe a little of both! :-)

Yes, I do have a preference, but the truth about this is that I just want her choice to be a clean one.

I will live with what comes from that.