Suffering In Silence

I did manage to sleep, but I woke up extra early... and not because I wanted to. Actually, the earliest I have in a long time. Going to make for a thoroughly screwed day, I think. My customary chirpy optimism and "glass half full" perspective has had the shit beat out of it and has definitely turned "glass half empty". This morning I am feeling it.

It's taking everything that I've got to not be bitter and angry about how this has gone down.

The worst part of it is that I get to sit with this pain and anguish and just live through it. There's no one I can blame. There's no one I can tell. No one would truly understand how or why I got here, unless they've traveled the road themselves. I don't think many men have... I know some women have.

At best, the platitudes that most would offer (i.e. "I'm sorry to hear that") just won't cut it, regardless of how well meaning or well intentioned the person is. It doesn't change the facts. It doesn't help it hurt any less. It doesn't take my mind off of it. In fact, it's like telling someone "don't think about big purple dinosaurs". If you try to do it, you've already lost -- because you are doing just that.

I also recognize that there is no one in the equation that doesn't have some measure of culpability in the matter. It's not like it's a random event, like lightning striking. No, not even close. The part that really adds insult to injury is my recognition that it's all a function of my own self-deception. I did this. I did it to myself.

In the end, I really have no one else to blame.

I am such an ass.