The Next Evolution

Day 1 was a bit of a mixed bag. Very, very stressful. So much stuff in such a short period. There was a little "spillage", but overall it was not terrible. I found that I was just very sad, but I went about my day with a muted smile on my face. I kept my "game face" on for the rest of the world to see. It pretty much worked as advertised, despite the fact that I felt like I was dying inside. Not at all pleasant, I can assure you.

I hadn't spoken with Sally all day. In fact, I did everything I could to keep her out of my mind. Not much of it worked. It's kind of like when you drive by a horrific car crash... you don't want to look, you know you won't like what you see, but you look at it anyway. Really, kind of like that. Then came the evening...

I left the house rather late and got back to my room. At this point, I'd successfully avoided (yes, I chose that word carefully) any attempt at communicating with her. As I sat there in my room, I was just feeling terrible about everything and was worn out on top of it all. Not too long after I sat down, I got a text message from Sally saying that "we probably need to talk at some point, right?"

At this point, I didn't quite know what to do. In fact, I was pretty confused and confronted. I sent a message back saying that I didn't know how to respond -- which was true. Within seconds, I got a phone call from her. She rightly pointed out that the answer to her question was either "yes" or "no". There really was no middle ground. I told her that I thought that part of the point of getting rid of me was getting rid of the complication... the whole "out of sight, out of mind" thing.

Then, in words that sounded like ones that I would say to her, she noted that we cannot pretend that nothing had happened and that we don't exist for one another. We do. After a little discussion and a lot of silence, I told her that I'd call her tomorrow. I proceeded to clean up and go to bed.

This morning came way too early. I know it's the stress. It's the only reasonable explanation for it. I have never unintentionally been waking up this early in my entire life. This is definitely messing with my sleep and I'm not pleased about it. I got dressed and out of the house to go to work and everything was cooking along, until right about 8 AM. That's when I got her letter. She had sat down and wrote a pretty long letter about things and sent it to me.

One of the key things that happened was she sat down and had the full conversation with Ranger Rick about the two of us. Other than the detail that he said he didn't want to know, he knows all of it now. Once again, she surprised me. It was a gutsy move for her and one where the outcome was not at all certain. The bottom line is that neither one of them is ready to give up on their marriage, but it's not certain that it's recoverable either. Only time will tell whether or not it'll work out for them.

I didn't miss a beat. I decided to write a response to her (which she likely should have expected in writing one to me in the first place) and knock it out. It took quite a while to do, but I did it. I captured a number of important items and had a chance to say many of the things that were on my mind... some still didn't get done. I sent the response off and decided that I'd wait a bit before I tried to call her. I wanted to give her a chance to read and digest it before I called her.

I finished the call with her just a little while ago. It was good to talk with her and it was pretty awkward at first. She does feel some relief from the duality, but she's also very present to the pain and anguish as I am. We talked about her conversation with Rick and what was actually said. I took the opportunity to acknowledge her for that, because she did deserve it. As it turns out, he knew what was happening, but didn't say anything about it.

I also let her know that there was no relief over here -- it was all pain and anguish. I didn't ask for this outcome. It's what happened. Yet, we both acknowledged and appreciated the love we feel for each other and who we've become out of our relationship together. In a very real sense, this has made us both better people.

I took the opportunity to note that one of the hazards of reconciliation is that things may improve for a while and then go "back to normal". Because, in their relationship, it has happened before. She realizes that this is a risk and she is willing to accept that she may end up alone, if things don't change. The important part is that she come to that place on her own, not because I'm asking her to do it. I understand and respect that. I don't want to be the force that breaks them up and I wouldn't want to be the excuse if it didn't work out between us. It's better this way.

It's also still complicated. Just because we aren't seeing each other doesn't mean that we don't have the same feelings for each other anymore. As she told me, if I started seeing someone tomorrow, she wouldn't be thrilled about it. She still wants me and it would have those feelings of jealousy come up. I know that. I also know that she realizes that it's unreasonable. Just as unreasonable as it was for me to be upset about not being able to play a larger role in her life.

The fact is that they are going to "see what happens". I've got a prediction about it -- things will get better for a while and then he'll fall back into his old patterns. It may even last a few years, but he'll fall back into his old patterns. Unless there's something done to alter the structure that holds the patterns in place, it's inevitable.

You may be saying about now "well, given what's happened with your marriage, you're a fine one to talk!". And I'll be the first to admit that this is true. It's also exactly why I know what I am saying is true -- that is what happened to Sandy and I. It's hard to change those things that happen in a relationship, even when you have a background in what it takes to do that AND even get professional help. Sometimes, nothing is enough. Maybe this will work for them. I hope so... I wouldn't bet the price of my morning coffee on it.

I think this is pretty predictable. The real wild card here is whether or not Sally would actually go through with it and leave the "comfort" and "workability" of being with Rick and actually choose to be alone. From a betting perspectives, I'd say it's 85/15 percent chance that she'd choose comfortable. She's certainly got a good track record of surprising me, so I think the 15% estimate is a fair one. As I am so fond of saying, only time will tell. And in this case, it's very true.

The thought came up for me that if she decided to end it with Rick tomorrow, would I go back? Right at the moment, I cannot say yes for sure. Her actions have changed things between us, relationally speaking. If we were to ever do something again, there would have to be an entirely new foundation built. It couldn't rely on the past. Right now, I'm not sure that I could sign up for it.

I am not sitting around on my hands either. I'm going out on a first date with someone tonight. It's my second first date in a long time. I don't expect anything to happen here. I just expect to go out and be social. That's about all I can hope for right now. Beyond that is more than I can confront. If I have a good time, it'll be a "Mission Accomplished". I sure hope it is.

Time is passing and I am not going to waste any of it.