It's Hard To Leave

No, that's not what I meant at all. Yes, I knew what you were thinking. :-)

I was thinking about my time tonight with Sally. It really is an important thought. It was hard to leave. A line has been crossed and we both know it.

Let's dispatch the easy stuff, shall we? The dinner was tasty and the restaurant was excellent. Never ate there before and would very much like to do so again. It was Sally's suggestion and was a great one. She's always getting me to try new things... one of the things I love about her. Ok. Done.

She hadn't been feeling well this week (and hasn't been sleeping well either), so she warned me in advance that she thought she looked a wreck, to which I replied "OK, whatever". I really didn't care. I was ecstatic to know that I would have a chance to be with her for a little while. It was more than sufficient for me.

This was the first time that we'd seen each other since the trip and since her epiphany about what she wanted from our relationship on Sunday night. I was anxious to see where things stood.

I am normally pretty unobservant, when it comes to the little things around me. The major thing that I noticed was that when we were at the table talking and eating, we really were talking. No, we weren't just talking, we were related. There is a real difference. There was an entirely different character to how we interacted with each other. It was much more intimate, natural and satisfying than it has probably ever been. It was so rich and fun that I didn't want it to end.

After we left the restaurant, we hopped into her vehicle, kissed and messed around for a little bit. Nothing really new there, right? Exactly. Nothing new. EXCEPT that I so did not want to leave her and I didn't want her to have to leave me. It was very difficult to say good night to her and let her go. Given she wasn't feeling great and needed to sleep, I wasn't about to keep her out much later, so I sent her on her way. We made plans to talk on Friday to set up our next day together.

When I got home (the room where I am staying, given that I moved out... oh, yes, you didn't know that. Here's another post on that, OK? LOL), I sent her some text messages and thanked her for coming out, especially given that she was tired and not feeling well. She responded and all was good.

Just about an hour later, I got another text message from her. She told me that it was hard for her to leave tonight. I replied and told her that I knew exactly what she was talking about. I told her what I was feeling (about not wanting to leave).

She shared with me that after last week, she has the sense that things will be harder for us -- small patches of time here and there won't be sufficient anymore. Well, jeeepers -- alert the damn media!! I told her that her suspicions are well founded, because even before last week, I was feeling that. I wanted more and haven't been shy about saying what I wanted (asking for it).

While she did recognize this was the case for me (as she's not unobservant or thick), she did note that this feeling hit her harder than she had anticipated. The important part here is that I wasn't saying this -- she was saying this! She recognized that only having part of me in her life was not going to be enough. I started to follow up on that, but she was fading and needed to go to bed (which I knew was the case), so I let it go.

As things stand, I believe that we both recognize now that there's a choice looming. In fact, the choice point moves closer with each passing day. Pretty soon, it'll be staring her in the face and it won't be because I am trying to force the issue. Not even close. I am just going to point out the obvious and see where she goes with it. That's all I can really do.

I decided tonight that I am going to continue with Plan B, as I really have nothing to lose by doing so. Going out for dinner or drinks with someone isn't being unfaithful to her, as we have no agreements not to. Now, I don't intend to have sex with any of these ladies right now and will be extremely careful not to inappropriately set any expectations. I don't want to create more problems than I already have! LOL

Still, it's a good thing for me to keep unfolding this. She's scared of losing me forever and this fear is a real one too. I am not going to wait around forever and I am not going to "force her" to leave Ranger Rick. I wouldn't want that on my shoulders. She has to make her choices and make them freely. I wouldn't have it any other way.

At the same time, my wife and I are going our separate ways. I have a life to lead and I am not going to do that alone. I am going to have fun and enjoy what's next with women that are interested in exploring that with me. I want to find a partner that wants to be in it with me full time, not just a part of the time. I sincerely hope that Sally is that person, but ultimately, it's not my call any longer -- it's hers. I've made my choices.

Before you know it, this will come to a head. It may not be tomorrow or when we see each other next week, but I sense that we are close. I can tell you that whichever way it goes, I'll be fine with. She could have told me tonight that she was out of  here and I would have been fine with it. I'm changing right before my very own eyes. Things which once seemed to me to be devastating and incomprehensible have transformed into those things which are natural and inevitable.

It may be hard to leave, but right now it's harder to stay. Must keep moving forward!