Who's Sorry Now

Heh. A pretty strange post title that pretty well fits a strange evening, strange dreams and a strange wake up this morning.

Sally went to a Halloween party last night dressed up in costume. She sent me a few pictures enroute to the party and the last thing she said via IM before she arrived was "I miss you". Well, I missed her too. I'm still missing her. That's part of what I woke up into, but I am getting a bit ahead of myself, aren't I?

I followed along via social media. Whereas most people with a real life were out having fun, I was here trying to examine what's left of my life and soul... and then going over to an online dating site viewing profiles and sending emails (more on this later). Needless to say, I wasn't in a very happy place last night.

The thought occurred to me that the more I examine and write about the stew that I am in, the more it seems to consume me. I found that interesting. That there may be some fine line between that which is cathartic and that which is destructive. I know I cannot tell where that line is, even if there is one. I contemplated writing about it, but decided that was likely to be more on the destructive side! :-P

So, anyhow, Sally was at her party and I was getting ready to go to bed. I debated whether or not to say good night to her. In the end, I decided to do that. Long after I went to bed, I got a simple thank you text back from her. Was nice to hear from her and I am glad that she had a good time.

All of this stuff was swirling around in my head and had also been swirling around in my bowl of ice cream and hot fudge (yes, nite number two). I do have a tendency to want to feed my feelings -- and I've been feeding. Ugh. I really do need to stop this, before I hurt myself. Won't do me any good.

At the end of the night, I found myself a bit bitter about how I had just spent my evening. Sally is out having fun, I'm not and I think I should. Well, I think I should be doing anything other than what I had been doing.

So, I'd say that my life is in a pretty sorry state, right at the moment. Things are looking up, but I can't help feeling like one of those Chilean miners at times. I don't know how long it's going to be before I am rescued.

It still feels like I may not make it out alive.