What Scares Me

I've been through a lot of stuff in my life. Many hard situations and stuff to deal with. My relationship with Sally is probably the scariest thing in my life right now. No kidding. Sometimes, it's enough to overwhelm and consume me.

Here's my initial list:

• At times, she'll say things on IM like (paraphrase, not quote), "I've been doing some thinking and need to make some decisions". Without a proper context to hold such a statement, it's enough to scare the shit out of me. I find myself getting all worked up over something that I have no control over. My mind races and I just have to let it all go. For what it's worth, I don't think I'm all that good at it! :-(
• Given that she's said time and time again "that this is only temporary", I'm often scared about what life will be like on the other side -- because I'm clear there WILL be an other side. I am definitely afraid of suddenly finding myself on the outside looking in. Being in a situation where there will be no room for me in her life.
• How will I react to the loss?
• What will my emotional reaction be like (as I know it can feel horrendous)?
• What will our relationship be like?
• Can she actually be related to me in a way that is different than this?
I shudder to think about the answers to these questions. It's not even close to bearable.
• I've never been a jealous person, especially when it came to Sandy. One might assert that it's that way because I trust her implicitly, which is true. Yet, I know this is not the whole story. The way I feel about her isn't the way I feel about Sally -- not even close! I have no reasonable basis to be jealous, when it  comes to Sally. Yet, I often am... and much of the time, it shows itself in very subtle ways. Ways that only I can recognize. How ironic, eh?
• When I haven't been around Sally for a while, I get positively crazy! I want to be near her so badly, it colors my thinking. It doesn't even need to be about sex. Just being with her is what I want. When I don't have that, I can be a real bastard to be around. Yes, I said it. I recognize and own that. I try my best to not have it impact others.

These things all may seem rather minor or inconsequential, but they certainly don't FEEL that way. I guess that's the bad news part of the "good news/bad news" proposition.

I think the good news is twofold:

• There's someone that I love and care about enough to actually feel something that strongly.
• I'm not letting the fear and emotion run (ruin?) my life or interactions with her.

Still, knowing that it's just my emotions running make it any easier to deal with. I just need to let them do what they do and keep moving forward.

Some days I really get the sense of what Sisyphus might have felt like. Unfortunately, I'm not quite to the "freedom" stage yet. LOL