Trip Debrief - Part 2

Well, at this point, I consider the immediate part after returning home just as much a part of the trip as the trip itself.

Indeed, it seems that what seemed like the end of the trip may have been a bit premature.

Why? Well, Sally and I started exchanging IM last night.

I knew that I wanted to give her some space and let her reach out to me when she was ready to do so. That seemed like a good idea to me, so that's what I tried to do. I went about my "normal routine" when I got home. Namely, getting my computer up to the office and then booting up. Didn't give much thought to it, really. It's that automatic.

When my IM started, I saw her online. It took something to not just jump in. Nope. Had to stick to my guns on this one. About an hour later, I got the first message from her. One of the things that we both realized is that we're pretty new to the feelings that we're experiencing. I've mentioned before that neither of us planned on really falling for each other like that. It kinda happened. We didn't plan on having to experience such feelings and such deep loss and sorrow from not being together. Still, like our falling in love, it's happened.

So she contacted me and we started talking about what's going on. Both trying to sort out the stuff that is going on in our (respective) heads. I was already well on the way to a Ben & Jerry's hangover, so I wasn't pulling any punches! :-)

I reiterated that I wasn't interested in her suffering. I know that she's in new territory with this and that it's going to take something for her to sort out. Having her visibly suffer over it isn't, at least in my book anyway, something that is noble. No, it's stupid! It's not about suffering, it's about doing what it take to resolve the suffering and move forward. That's really the only thing that's worth talking about.

From there, we talked about what our relationship should be like moving forward

1. Go our separate ways and disconnect completely (not talk at all);
2. Pretend that the other person doesn't/never existed for us;
3. Be in communication with each other.

Well, I'm sure you recognize by now that I voted for option #3. In my book, it's really the only viable one. Yes, there are things to work out. There are logistics issues and there are now boundaries that have to be respected. Sure, I get that. But doing that really respects the relationship that we have. It's founded in the love that we share for each other. I could never do #2 and #1 would just suck.

In doing this, I felt it was necessary to make a promise to her. I told her that I would do my best to not do or say anything that would intentionally cause discomfort or go over the boundaries that we would need to establish to have our "new relationship" work. I also said that part of this would need to get worked out in practice, because I don't have any rule books or etiquette guides on how to manage being in communication effectively with your former mistress. Know of any? :-)

I told her that I would try my very best to live up to that promise and if I found that I could not, I would tell her and then we could reassess our options or do whatever else was fitting for the situation.

I also told her that it was going to take me some time to work through some of this. I was glad to have a weekend coming up so I could take stock of what has happened and think about it. Included in this is whatever I need to experience that goes along with it. Yes, there is an analytical part of  it, but there's also an emotional/experiential part of it for me. It doesn't take much thought to tap into it.

At the end of the session, I wished Sally a good night. This was tough. I have a pretty set way that I've been saying good night to her by text or IM for a while now. I say some variation of this:

• I hope you get a great nights sleep and awake feeling great 
• Hugs and kisses to you, my dear
• I love you very much, Sally
• Good night, love

Sometimes it's longer, sometimes it's shorter. Whatever is there to say is what I say, but it's pretty close to this.

Last night, I didn't do that. Given what we had just talked about, it didn't seem right. I couldn't bring myself to go there. It seemed as though it was better to just keep it simple, so I signed off with a short and simple "Good night, Sally".

It felt horrible and inauthentic. Then again, what good would saying the "usual" things provide, given we were no longer seeing each other. I had to start getting used to not being with her at some point, I guess that there's no better time to do that than right now! So, we said our good nights and I started to shut my PC down. Right before I hit the shutdown button, I said "no, I've got to say something about this". At which point, I opened up my mail and wrote her a short letter about it.

The essence of it is that whether or not I actually say "I love you very much" that is always going to be in the background of everything that I say and do, where Sally is concerned. I know that saying over and over again doesn't help her and that at some point, it just has to be understood that this is the case for me. The fact that I love her will always be in the unsaid in the background of anything that I say to her and I needed her to be clear that this was so for me. So, I really didn't make it through the evening before I was going to have to test my staying power regarding my promises to her.

I hit the send button on the message and called it a night.

The next morning I awoke to a reply message in my inbox. Seems that she felt the same way too. She also related how the experience of being with me on the trip has stayed with her. While there is a certain aspect to that which is satisfying, I knew that really it was more trouble for her than anything that was really worth being satisfied about. Anything satisfying about that in the face of the pain is more of the ego boost or a demonstration of selfishness.

One of the last things that she shared with me was that she could now see that she is going to have to find her way forward in life on her own for herself. I know that's scary for her. Hell, it's scary for me too. Think of it like this -- there you are standing in front of a great unknown, the task is to place your trust in something you can't see or prove will help you get to the other side and there are no promises that anything is going to work out properly. I don't care who you are, that's a tall bill to sign up for.

At this point, I wrote her a detailed response to it where I talked about what the past week had been for me and who I was committing to be as a part off her life moving forward. It was a brilliant piece of writing, if I do say so myself. I got a text shortly afterward to say thank you and that it made her cry (as in being touched, not hurt). I felt very good about where things stood. It all seemed as though it was starting to come together.

Later this afternoon, as I was doing some online work, she contacted me via IM and we started talking again. She mentioned that several times she had thought of just trying to go back to the way it was. I jumped in and told her flatly that, given what I know now, I could never again ask that of her. It wasn't fair and I just couldn't stand for it. I was much more interested in seeing her take the next ground she needed to take to have something be resolved for her.

We talked a little bit more and then one of the last things that she said was that the thought of losing me forever scared the hell out of her. And it turns out that this fear is one which is well placed. If we're not going to be together, I am not just going to sit on my ass and lament about love that's been lost. Hell no! I'm getting up, dusting myself off and getting back in the game. That's what there is to do. Unfortunately, I didn't really have the room to talk with her about this.

At this point, I thought that the only way this could get heard was either my closing the door completely on her OR an attempt at trying to force an outcome that I want. Neither of those were what I was looking to do, so I decided that it was best to just work on the stuff in front of us right now.

There are no easy answers here. If she decided tomorrow that she was ready to jump, I would jump. What about a week from now? A month from now? A year from now? More? I cannot say. I've already started placing feelers out to meet new people, given that this has a certain trajectory to it that doesn't look like it'll go much beyond what it is right now -- which is we're done! This whole Plan B thing has taken on a bit of a life of it's own and is very worthy of a whole post (potentially even a series of posts) unto itself.

At the same time, given I know the trajectory, I have signed up to be on for Sally taking this next bit of ground, whether she ended up with me or not. Why? Because that's how much I really love her. I want her to be happy and have a life that is fulfilling. There is just nothing easy about this. Nothing easy at all. It's all very complicated and very messy.

Seems like it's going to get messier still before it gets any better. Ugh.