Well, I did it. I crossed a boundary today with Sally.
I asked her to make a choice.
I asked her to choose to be with me.
It scared the shit out of me to actually ask her...
Why? Let's start off with the fact that I promised that I would never ask her to do that.
Today, I broke that promise. I don't regret it either. If I am going to go down, I'm going to go down with a fight. I'm going to stand for a future worth playing for.
While I can reasonably predict what her answer will be, I will never have to stand back and wonder "what if?" No, I won't wonder that. I'll have the satisfaction of knowing that I tried my best.
In fact, I had sent her a really long note as a response to one that she sent to me. We were talking with each other on IM and I told her that I'd just sent it off. She read it and IM-ed me back saying that it made her cry. Of course, this was not my intention, but I can understand that.
At the end of the note was the question. I called her and told her "I want you to be clear that this was not a rhetorical question." I wanted her to be clear that I wanted an answer. No answer, was not an answer. She did tell me that she didn't know how to respond to it... which, in my messed up little mind, was a step away from "no". After all, "no" is "no". Anything else is "not no".
We'll see where this all goes. It's all very distracting.
If she is not ready she will not be able to give you the answer you want!! She's sounds very scared!
ReplyDeleteThat's very true and I realize that I might be fighting a losing battle... or indeed may have already lost.
ReplyDeleteIt's also one of the reasons that I have been having the conversation the way that I have. There are things at issue here that aren't just about me. I think there's something about who she thinks she needs to be for others.
The key point is that she is setting herself up in a situation where she is now making herself responsible for the happiness of others in her life. The fact is that no one can be successful at that.
Yes, you can be responsible for what you do and how you affect others. I've no issue with that. But the other person has something to say about how that goes. Life has an effect on how that goes. It's not all on her! She could do everything "right" and still have Rick not be happy.
In the process, she would rather give up a shot at happiness for herself to punish and deprive herself, as if that's what she deserves.
So, if nothing else, I'd like to see that get opened up a bit and offer a chance for something different.
It may or may not work. Time will tell.
I understand what you are saying and I also understand how she might be feeling. We (women) feel so responsible for other happiness. We feel like we have to make others happy instead of ourselves. I have found through tallking to many that they will be miserable just to make their kids, husbands and families happy. Also, many are afraid to take a chance especially if they are ok in their marriage. They may be Very Very much in love with someone else but stay in an ok marriage just so everyone else will be happy. I know that's hard for a lot of men to understand but it is just the way a lot of us are.
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