Maybe I am a bad man...

Seriously. I'm not joking about this. Maybe I am. The more I write and think about it, I very well might just be doing an excellent job of convincing myself that I am.

As I move forward with completely undoing the working apparatus that is my life as I know it, I come back to this assertion that I tested in my original blog.

Why would I say this? Lets examine some of the facts in the matter:

1. I am the one that is calling the shots here. I am turning my life upside down. I am the one who is "lost". My wife doesn't want to separate or divorce. She wants to resolve things and stay together. I cannot say that I do, in good conscience.
2. Until Sally met me, she was at least reasonably happy in her relationship. There may have been elements that weren't what she wanted, but she could have addressed the "sex" without having to deal with "love" part. She's told me she could have done that and I believe her.
3. Sally has told me that she is constantly dealing with her own anguish and guilt over the dual life that we lead. I know I'm not putting a gun to her head to keep her with me, but I'm not walking away and saying "it's too tough for you and I understand". No, I actively encourage her to continue.
4. All of this has had (and indeed will have) an impact on the people around both of us, probably for both good and bad. Likely mostly bad. The longer it continues, the higher the cost will likely be.
5. When we eventually split, the break will be even harder for Sally. As she has said to me, I'll be moving on, but she won't. Of course, that's not my decision, but still, there is an impact there.

So, all of this has me wonder, am I so self-centered and attached to what I want that I cannot "see the forest from the trees" here?

I cannot help but wonder about it. I may be giving myself way too much credit. Then again, I may not be taking enough.

Maybe I am a bad man. Maybe I am a man facing bad circumstances. I don't know. My jury is still out.

All I can say right now is -- be glad that you're not living my life.

It's not a pretty picture.