"I can't do this anymore..."

Of all the words in the English language that one might anticipate hearing after you've just had probably the greatest sex you've ever had with someone, those are probably the five least likely ones that you'd likely expect to hear, right? Yeah, I know.

Those are the exact words that Sally said to me tonight. Our physical relationship (the third major phase/turning in our relationship) is now over.

As I write this, I am in a bit of shock. That's really what it is. I don't feel any particular way about it right at the moment (except for some sadness welling up) and this is a warning sign for me. It's going to come out at some point and I don't want it to go all sideways on me. That's the last thing that I need right now, with my life practically in a state of chaos.

While this really isn't surprising unto itself, the way in which it all came to a conclusion is a bit curious. She said that she hadn't planned on telling me this tonight and I believe her. There were definite signs there that having things work for us would have been a possibility, but it was always a long shot. As you know, I wasn't really counting on it. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I knew that this day would come. I was just hoping that it wouldn't be this soon. It was only a month and a half after really reconnecting.

As I noted in the post "Maybe I am a bad man...", I am not without culpability in the matter. Not even close. No, I am not responsible for Sally and what she has been going through personally. I did play a role in it. I did encourage the behavior and even start to sow the seeds of doubt. In a very real sense, I helped extend her suffering.

On the other hand, I could also probably write the post "Maybe I am not all that bad after all...". Why do I say that? Well, there's lots of things that Sally has become out of her relationship with me. Things that she does recognize as ground that she has taken in her life. The time she has spent with me was meaningful and did provide something... something that went beyond our physical relationship. I am proud of that and I am proud of her for really owning that. This has also highlighted what's missing in her marriage and life.

She told me tonight that people have been giving her advice (never a good thing, from my point of view) along the lines of "do what makes you happy!". Unfortunately, that isn't either clear or easy much of the time. In fact, it's messy as hell. I'm not big on advice either, but I shared my perspective on being married.

I know what it's like to be married to someone where you're married to your "best friend". That fits my wife and I pretty well. Regardless of how long you've been married, staying in it after you know that it's toast doesn't make things better. I am living proof of that. Truthfully, I knew a decade ago that we were done. Yet, I stood in there and tried to operate over the top of the baloney and my knowledge that there was something that wasn't whole here.

I told her that I believe she's in a similar situation. The passage of time won't make it better, in fact it'll likely only increase the toll that it takes on everyone involved. At a bare minimum, it'll increase the toll that it takes on her. I know the cost that is associated with that path and I don't wish it on anyone. So it goes. It's her life and her choice. It's not mine. With regards to my circumstances, I've made my choice. Now I have to deal with the consequences of that choice.

Unlike the other two times when we ended our physical relationship, there wasn't some invented bullshit issue at the source of it. No, this was different. We talked about it like adults and were actually able to be with each other. One of the things that I asked her to do was to stay in communication with me, not disappear or cut me out. For me, that would have been the worst possible conclusion to this. It would have really trashed and completely devalued what got built. That would definitely have broken my heart.

In the end, I had the chance to tell her a lot of things in person that I wanted her to know. I wanted her to hear them from my mouth and look at me in the eyes when I did it. That was important to me, because in the end, all I have in this world are the things that I believe strongly in.

I also had a very special surprise planned for our trip together next week. This surprise was a bit of a logistics challenge and took some work for me to pull off. I was excited that I was going to be able to do it, because I knew that it would completely catch her off guard. So, the package with the surprise came in the mail today.

Anyhow, I debated whether or not to tell her about the surprise. In the end, I told her that I wanted her to know what it was. She initially didn't want to, but I asked her to "humor me just this once". I gave her my keys and had her open the box and look at it.

The surprise was that I bought a Halloween costume of her favorite superhero character and was going to dress up in it and surprise her when she came back to the hotel room during the trip. Needless to say, she was shocked and laughed. Completely caught her off guard.

I'm ultimately sorry that I didn't get the chance to deliver on my surprise as I'd intended. It would have been awesome, I'm sure of it.

I've no idea what the future holds for me from here on out. I don't know if I have enough in me to deal with all of it.

Likely more to say on this... just not tonight. For now, I think I'll just take a shower and then go cry myself to sleep.

That's about all I've got in me right now...