How Not To Do Your Vacation

Sandy and I recently went on our annual vacation to a very nice place. We've been going there for quite many years and have always enjoyed it. As our relationship has started to come unwound, there was some question as to whether we would actually take our vacation this year or not. It was not a a slam dunk decision, nor a perfect vacation. Far from it. Let me explain.

Given the state of our relationship, there was some discussion about whether we should actually take this vacation or not. Initially, I thought that because of the things that were happening for me at work, it would be best for me to just cancel the vacation. As we started to look at our cancel/reschedule options, it turned out that there were huge costs and losses associated with such a major change.

One of the biggest things for me is that I knew I needed the time off. I've been working my tail off and I needed a rest. It wasn't likely that I was going to get one staying home, so taking the vacation did have an attractive quality to it. Sandy and I also needed some time to be together and discuss our relationship issues and the future. So, we came to an agreement -- we'd split the difference. Half the vacation that was planned we'd postpone, the other (most costly) half we'd take as planned. With just a little juggling we worked out the logistics for being able to be gone. As it turns out, this was the easy part.

Sandy's demeanor during the preparation for the trip, the days leading up to our departure, and right until the moment she arrived in the suite were absolutely terrible. She was so unpleasant to be around, I tried not to be around her whenever I could. On the trip, well, I couldn't help it. No amount of talking to her about it was going to cause a meaningful change in the situation. In fact, I felt it would likely make things worse, given the sum total of all the factors. So, I bit my tongue and rolled with it. Hey, it got me there in one piece and without any major arguments.

One of the things that has been of issue with me is her drinking. I believe that she has a drinking problem, she does not. The problem I have isn't that she drinks, it's how she behaves and interacts with others (especially me) when she drinks. I don't have a lot of rules about people being around me, but one rule that I told her that I was unwilling to compromise on -- don't even try to talk with me about anything that is serious in nature when you've been drinking (regardless of the amount). It does alter her personality (and not in a good way).

When she drinks wine, things go dark for her very quickly. She's a very glass-half-empty person by nature. Whereas I am the exact opposite. I am definitely more of a glass-half-full kind of guy. Optimism is a natural posture for me. Anyhow, she's pretty much stopped drinking wine altogether and moved on to tequila (don't even say anything, I know where you're thinking...). This particular evening, she had started drinking and started violating rule number one.

Finally, I could take no more. I told her that I still had a problem with her drinking and she didn't understand what it was like to be on the receiving end of her way of interacting when under the influence. Well, this set her off and prompted a major reaction. A fight ensued. She ended up leaving the flat and going to a local dance event (sans me). I stayed in and watched a movie on the DVD player. When she came back, she told me that she was packing her stuff and would be going home the next day. The worst part of this entire series of events was that she (essentially) said that I was the reason why she was drinking. Yup. Now it's my fault that she's driven to the bottle. I don't think so.

We slept in separate rooms that night and my accommodations left a bit to be desired, but I was still glad to be out of the bedroom with her. I just wasn't up to dealing with it. When I woke the next morning, we restarted the discussion she started the night before. A number of things got talked through and she decided to stay on the trip. A few days pass and we're getting ready to hit the end of the trip. We decided that we wanted to stay close to the property and have fun. We thought the weather would cooperate and it would be fun.

Turns out we were right. The weather held and the day started off great. Everything was working as planned. She ordered a two drinks in my presence, but unknown to me, she ordered a lot more when I was running around having my own fun. By the time the end of the afternoon came, she was completely shitfaced. Now I have a wife that could be legally denied boarding on the return flight home because she was intoxicated and I'm on my own to wrap everything up.

Worse yet, she decides (in classic Sandy form) that she's feeling amorous and starts to force herself on me. I had to actively fend off my wife's drunken sexual advances. Let me tell you, that was absolutely awful and disgusting. After having done that, the alcohol starts to kick in even more and she starts feeling physically bad. I manage to get her showered and we pack up our things (so I can do the packing and check out)... all good so far. So, I'm down loading the car, I come back to the room -- and she's in the middle of a drunken, emotional breakdown. Full tilt on to cry-o-meter. At this point, it's so sucks to be me, I really just wanted to leave... but I know I cannot.

So she stops crying long enough to leave the hotel, I check out and we head to dinner. Upon our arrival, she starts crying again and tells me that it's partly about me and partly not. Some of it is that she's embarrassed by the days events (duh?). At this point, we've got menus at the table, but I need to go to the bathroom. I come back to find her sitting there with a mixed drink by her side. I ask her about what she started saying before. And then I asked her "So, if all that alcohol you drank before caught you off guard, your choice here only a few hours later at this restaurant with me is to order another drink?".

About 1/4 of the drink was gone at this point. She told me "OK, I won't drink any more of it". She didn't reach for it for the remainder of the meal. We ate our meals and I then needed to go to the restroom to clean up (after having a messy entree). When I come back, I notice that the drink is now half gone. She didn't tell me that she drank it, but it was obvious she did. I mean, really, was someone going to siphon off 1/4 of someones drink at the table while they weren't looking? No. That's just silly. She drank the damn thing.

I didn't bother pressing the point, but the fact was that I did notice. She wouldn't drink in front of me, but had no problem doing it behind my back. That action told me something that was louder than anything else she told me that day. There is a problem here, whether she thinks so or not.

We ended up getting on the plane and returning without issue. Bottom line is that what could have been a brilliant vacation was tarnished by the relational issues that we once operated over the top of, but are now shown in bold relief. This is just a taste of what it's like between us and why our being together is really no longer viable.

I can promise you one thing -- I won't have that kind of vacation ever again. While the net of it was a positive experience, I am unwilling to have to endure any suffering through any portion of something which should be all about relaxing, recovering and rejuvenating ones self.

A series of tough lessons learned.