The Emotional Roller Coaster

Right about now, I'm feeling a bit queasy. This is a terrible ride and I'd like to get off...

It has been a day from hell. I've been totally unproductive and am just about spent emotionally. This is some of the hardest time for me since our last break up. In fact, given that we just reunited about six weeks ago, I am still reeling from the energy of reconnecting with her only to be dropped into the energy of a break up.

It's really more than one person should have to subject themselves to. I've not been handling it well at all. In fact, all of the emotion has just had me completely fixated. I've felt terrible, have lost my appetite, etc.

This love stuff is terrible. Perhaps I am not cut out for it after all.

Oh, what a day...

In the past twenty four hours, I've experienced some of the highest highs and some of  the deepest lows.

My emotions have been all over the map and I feel like I am completely spinning out of control. There was a point earlier today where I was trembling as though I was sitting in a freezing room. Guess what? Normal temperature. Nothing going on. It was all me. Pure adrenaline being pumped through my body. I can't ever remember feeling like that before. Oh my god, it was the most awful feeling in the world.

My head has been all foggy. My thoughts have been consumed with the conversations that Sally and I have either been having on the phone or via IM. All I can do is sit and stare at this damn screen, hoping that I'll hear from her. Hoping that I'll hear anything!

In a certain sense, I can't believe that I am here again. I was just about fully functional, after she cut things off last time, when she returned back into my life. I was starting to do OK.

Then all of a sudden -- BAM! There she is in my life again, only at a whole new level of connection, intensity and passion. I never dreamed of having it be so good with her. The desire to be with and in communication with her constantly was starting to consume all my waking thoughts. She was the first person I was in touch with in the morning, all through my day and the last person at night. She was THE only person I really cared if I ever heard from.

Now to have this happen! WHY?? WHY?? WHY?? WHY??
Why even reach back out to me? What was that for?
Just to turn me inside out? Just so she could feel good about herself? So she could have her own form of closure?

At this point, it's all fair game. There's nothing logical about the way I'm thinking. Nothing. I'm on the ragged edge of holding all my shit together. Right now, there's no guarantee I won't just implode. That's exactly what it feels like.

In the end, the sad part about all of it is that I may never really know.

It's days like these when I just absolutely HATE my life.