Being In Communication (or "Meet the Parents")

One of the key things about this separation is that it's requiring that a whole new level of connection and communication be in place.

It's both one of the causal factors as well as a solution.

And it's up with everyone in our lives.

This isn't one sided (i.e. my way). It isn't two sided (i.e. my way, her way). It's got lots of sides to it. Or, perhaps more accurately said, sets of concerns and perspectives. This is an important point to keep in mind, because what we do affects everyone in our lives -- including our pets!

One of the things that we had been trying to do was to work it out amongst ourselves and then let everyone know what the outcome was. Heh. Wasn't really working. There was no real conversation happening. It was all about the two sided conversation. Last week on our trip when Sandy issued the ultimatum, when we did some review with Ellie, we came to the conclusion that it was time to stop doing that and have a more public, inclusive conversation about having all of this be resolved.

Frankly, I think it was a big relief for both of us. For the first time, we could actually start having a conversation about where things were at that wasn't just our individual, proprietary concerns. Sandy and I are not interested in resolving it the same old way and having some sort of compromise come from it. We're interested in what will fulfill the situation.

Lots is changing. The fundamentals of what I consider my life to be and how I relate to others is in question. I think this is a good thing.

If Sandy and I do decide to stay together, we're going to do it on the basis of what's next -- not what has been before. She's got legitimate complaints/issues and so do I. If it has any chance of a future, we have to take the work to address those seriously. At the same time, even if we never get back together and decide to divorce, it's not like working to resolve those issues is wasted.

Quite to the contrary. Those things are going to get addressed and resolved, because that's what is there to work on. We both agree that seeing the issues resolved on behalf of future partners is also very fitting.

Tonight, Sandy and I get to have dinner with my parents. In a certain sense, I've been dreading this conversation. It brings up all sorts of feelings of failure and other "bad" stuff. At the same time, there's also something that needs to get resolved and opened up in that relationship too. And it's not just about our marriage. It's about our individual relations too. It's curiously fitting to have this start to come apart.

It's not like things are "bad", but there's a next level to take on with them and that will come out of the work that we'll get started tonight.

There's definitely a lot of stuff being driven up by this. Some of it expected, some not.

All of it very fitting.