"3,2,1... Houston, we have separation"

Heh. OK. My life isn't a space mission. While it may be complex, it's not expensive (yet), bad for the environment (except the relational one) or potentially lethal (whew, no witty retort there...). Still, this was the first full work week that Sandy and I have been apart. It's been an interesting week.

Again I find myself alone at home on a Saturday night. This shit is getting old. I don't like sitting around the house and rotting in place... at least, that's what it feels like at times. I'm also happy that Sally hosted a party for some of her female friends and that they're having a very good time. There's lots of great food and wine involved, so I can't envision how one could have a bad time, right?

I'm getting occasional reports from the front lines from her. It's quite funny actually. When they get together they talk about all sorts of stuff, including guys, sex, sex toys, household appliances, etc. or at least, that's what I am told. She said that she had a lot of jealous friends on her hands when she told them about the number of orgasms that she was having (yes, with me) on a regular basis. When she told me that, all I could do was smile, because it made me so damn happy. I so enjoy seeing her pleased. For me, that comment made my day.

As far as this week goes, in a certain sense, I think I'm lucky that Sandy picked this time to go off and have a short trip. The events with Sally earlier in the week just kinda kicked my ass, so I was grateful to have some space in which to take it all in and work some of it out here. She definitely would not have understood (like I really did?) and I wouldn't have had the space to say much about it.

There was a point in my life, when I was much younger, that I really enjoyed being alone and having my alone time. In fact, I didn't just like it, I needed it! As I've matured (notice I didn't say "grown older"), I find that I place much more value on relationships and being with people than I do the old "alone time" stuff. Fact is that alone time for me is now a handicap, not a benefit. Everything works better for me when I have other people around. So, there's a certain element of this separation that is tough. I've not had the interaction with others that I am used to during a normal week.

In spite of this, the thing that I like most about it is that it's giving me some time to be on my own and consider what that is really like. In fact, it was really the intention behind doing this separation. Moving forward, I am going to start sleeping in a different location and coming back to my home to work in my office. Yes, that's a bit screwed up, but in a certain sense I am looking forward to it. We both get to experience what it will be like to be apart from each other.

The saddest part of it all thus far is something that I just thought of today -- I really don't miss her!! When that thought crossed my mind, I about had a fit. Like "no, you can't be serious?" No, actually, I am. I really don't miss her like one would normally say that they miss their spouse. Yes, I miss her being around doing things around the house. Yes, I do miss having someone here to talk to or see during the course of a day. Besides that, I don't miss her.

For me, this is the biggest confirmation that the split is the right thing for us. Look, it's not as though I dislike her OR don't love her any more. That doesn't mean that I want her around me. Especially when I consider the rest of my life. No, this is pretty big for me. I didn't anticipate this at all. So, I think that there's some real solid reasoning behind our really being apart for the separation period, until I can get her moved to her new digs in the new city. It'll be a bit of a pain, at least minimally from the logistics perspective, but it'll be very worth it.

One of the things that I have had a hard time with this week has been eating. Part of it was a period of time when I was dealing with the stuff with Sally, where I just didn't have an appetite to speak of. The other part of it was where I did have an appetite, but had to confront the fact that for many, many years, I have had meals cooked for me. My part was just to eat. Now, not so much! I am going to have to learn how to cook some things, not just barbequeue. Oh my. I might starve in the interim.

I'm at least smart enough to be able to shop, but the whole cooking thing? I have a lot to do and don't have a lot of time to "make things". It's why I like eating out, at least I can continue working while I wait for my meal. That's pretty effective. The downside of that is that it's expensive to do. Right now, anything expensive is bad. Cash flow management has become a bit of a practical art for me.

I don't have any problem with cleaning, laundry or pretty much any of the routine maintenance that I will have to do. That's easy. The feeding myself thing is going to be the hardest part.

As I was talking with my friend this past week, we talked about that I am going to take over the house myself once Sandy is gone. In a certain sense, I am really looking forward to it. One of the things I thought of was that I would repaint several of the rooms to colors that I liked. Throughout our relationship, I pretty much let Sandy do whatever she wanted. When I was traveling a lot, I didn't see much of the house anyway, so it really didn't matter.

Now that I am going to be here for the long haul, I might as well have it set up in a way that I want it. How do I want it? Well, I don't know. I've never thought about it. I am going to think about it now. Indeed, this whole line of thinking kind of illustrates my point about my whole identity crisis. I need to answer some of the questions about what I want, what I like and know that as something other than my historical connection to Sandy.

The trip with Sally isn't nailed yet, so I'm not sure where I am going to be. Either way, I will be working, that's for sure. Also on the agenda for next week -- taking a first shot at writing our separation agreement, prior to Sandy returning home. That ought to be interesting.

If we do the trip, I likely won't do any work on it then and will wait until next weekend. I'll want to spend all of my available time on either the job related work I need to do OR spending time with Sally. After all, that's the point of the trip, right!?!? Yup.

So to say that this was a bit of a curious week would be an understatement. The good thing is that things continue to move. I was actually going to say "move forward", but the truth is that, right now, I can really only discern movement. Direction? Not so much.