The "Gaps"

So, the way I can see it now, the blog here is addressing two distinct "Gaps" to be mindful of:

1. The transition from Sandy to Sally.
2. The transition from Sally to whatever the fuck is next.

Let's have a look, shall we? :-)

The transition from Sandy to Sally.

The first one was deeply disturbing and disruptive, due to all the circumstances around it... well, and because I was ignorant as fuck about life and the world. Yes, I am enough of a whole, aware person to acknowledge this. I don't say it with either pride or try to use it as a badge of honor. More of a milestone marker to show how far I've come, how my self-awareness has developed, as well as how much more room and true/deep listening I have for others.

The transition to Sally to whatever the fuck is next

This is where I find myself today. Whether I like it or not, despite the learning and development along my personal journey so far, this is as deeply disturbing and disruptive as anything I've encountered so far. That's a real pisser, I can assure you. As I've gotten older, so many things have changed for me:

• What wasn't important before is now important
• My physical body has needs and constraints that I've never had before
• Issues related to my mortality now loom large in my thinking
• Who I care to be with and why are now paramount
• My social, intimacy, and sexual needs are changing

Normally, this would just be "par for the course," as they are a natural part of aging... or so it seems. But, right now, that isn't it, as my primary partner and I seem to be diverging significantly. And this will be a topic for an upcoming post.

It doesn't matter how much I dislike it, that seems to be the basic fact underlying the current gap.

Bottom line

This will come to a head -- very soon, I predict. There's no telling how it will go.

Sally is coming into her own and really feeling as though she's connecting to her true, authentic self. And that does, at least to some extent, please me.

I told her long ago that I wanted to see her see herself as I see her -- and that's happening.

Unfortunately, for me, that comes with consequences.

She's told me that, if push came to shove, she'd pull back and (in essence) go back to the way things were.

Yet, here's the rub...

There's no going backwards!

There's only forwards.

If she tried to do that, that would make her miserable, which would in turn make me miserable. Furthermore, I would not ask her to go backwards! Part of my intention in being with her was to have her discover herself and be part of unfolding that. I never asked her for "forever." 

I know that her trying to go backwards would be a repeat of her last marriage. She'd give the outward appearance of being happy, keep herself busy to stay occupied to not think about why she was unhappy, and then justify why she was doing what she was doing. This is exactly what she was in when she met. Something would prompt her to move in the direction to do what she wanted or needed to feel whole. I couldn't bear to think that I was the one standing in the way of that.

That is clearly the start of an untenable situation which would likely fall apart quickly in a very bad way. I don't want to see an ending here that looks like that. That said, that isn't completely within my control. Even having the conversation risks things spiraling out of control and going badly.

So it seems that, once again, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Now, it just clearly comes down to timing.

That is fairly well set in stone, because of the lease on our house.

The "Plan B" now will become a topic for another post.

I think that I have it "worked out"... ha ha ha.

So we shall see...