"I love you..."

For humans, especially in relationships, this is probably one of the most meaningful (and potentially problematic) statements of all time.

Why? Let's have a look...

Platonic relationships

When you say "I love you" to a friend or someone that you're not interested in sexual relations or having an extremely intimate relationship with, it's pretty safe to declare this.

Why? It doesn't really obligate you to anything. It's a way of saying "you are very special to me" without carrying a bunch of baggage along with it. That has it's pros and cons, eh? There are "tests," both small and large, that others can use to determine the limits of how much you love them.

Some of these are authentic, others live in the realm of common manipulations for another's personal gain.

At the end of the day, it's relatively easy to disengage and disavow, even if there are real feelings between the parties. Will there be hurt? Will there be anger? Will healing be needed? The majority of the time, there most certainly will be.

The new relationship

Covering the basics

I could have said "romantic" here, but I felt that was pushing it a bit far. Fact of the matter is that in a new relationship where there are thoughts, feelings or intentions which go beyond just "dating," bringing the word "love" into the picture can change things at a fundamental level.

It communicates something special to your partner. That can be good or bad. What gets communicated may not be something returned. There's an element of risk in it, leaving oneself exposed to what others may think, standing on the cusp of being rejected for thinking that way. For the one making the assertion, it's very fucking risky -- the outcome never assured.

Even if the overture is returned in a manner which is seemingly positive, one cannot ever assume that it's a "done deal." The first act serves as a foundation, a starting point; it's declarative. From there, it's about realizing and manifesting that, over and over again. In this case, it stops being work and a demonstration of commitment to the ongoing expression and reinforcement of love.

Going beyond the language

Where Kate was involved, I only let it slip (the speech act, that is) once and then quickly moved past it. I was careful to never to go there again. While that is true, there's something important about "love" -- you don't have to say it to experience it or really know it's there.

This is a huge point!

I know that both of us knew that we loved each other, despite never actually saying it to each other. We showed it in our care, concerns, and actions towards each other. It was one of the reasons that it was so hard for me to end it with her. On our last phone call, she came out and told me "I love you..."

During that call, I looked to some of the circumstances surrounding the period just prior and thought about it for a moment. I made an assessment of that compared to what she said and there was enough doubt in my mind that she was actually being serious, it was easy to dismiss.

Looking for love in all the wrong places

In retrospect, I realize that I was very shortsighted and opportunistic in the matter. I was looking for easy criteria to apply to a complex situation.

Actually, no.

The truth is that I was looking for an easy way to justify a decision that I'd already made in my mind.

It's likely one of the worst decisions that I have ever made in my life!

I realize now that I really fucked up in not coming clean with both of them and letting them know where things stood. If I'd done that, I'd have risked losing both of them, but we could have done everything with a clear conscience and charted a clean path forward to build on. As mentioned in previous blogs, when Sally discovered about Kate, she took it badly and it was costly for both of us. Nothing has ever been the same since. In fact, I'm sure that this has some sort of "carry forward" effect on what's happening now.

It's all very enlightening for me. It's helping me get my shit straight and avoid potential problems in the future. Transparency, honesty and being in full communication are going to be the foundation for all that happens moving forward -- be it good, bad, or indifferent.

My current relationship

Since we've "opened up" our relationship, Sally makes a point of telling me "I love you" on a very regular, almost annoying, basis.

Annoying, really?! Well, yeah.

What I see others getting

When she gets a text message from The Fool, what do I hear?
A low, sexual, growling sound. To me, it's an indication that it's someone that she thinks about in a way that I am not.
There's a sense of palpable anticipation, desire that comes across her face when she gets those messages.
She doesn't see that -- I do.

What I see I get

I am the ordinary.
I am reliable.
I am a means to an end.
I must be "served," because that's the way of things when you're married and you're dependent upon someone else.
She made that very clear in our fight at the beginning of the year, which prompted me to start blogging here again.
To get what I want, I need to "get on the calendar" and reserve her time, as our agreement specifies.

Frankly, this is untenable.

What do I need?

As I'm getting older, growing, and evolving, I'm finding that my needs are changing -- significantly!

Where I used to be preoccupied with having sex, I am now more concerned with happiness, intimacy, sensual/healing touch... and a good measure of great sex to go along with it. I feel that I am more of a whole person now and this reflects how I am changing.

These are not the things that I am getting from Sally. It almost seems like I am getting the worst of all worlds. She gives those things to others, but what I get is a statement like "I love you."

It occurs like it is given out of obligation, not like an expression of a being who authentically loves another and it's one of the many ways of demonstrating it!

"But what about all the things I do around the house? (some) Cooking? Cleaning?"

While I appreciate it, to me, these live in the realm of transactions. They may be necessary, but they don't necessarily occur as acts of love or appreciation.

What about when I take Sally out to dinner? I think she (more or less) assumes that I will (or minimally, should) do this. How often do I hear "thank you for 'x', baby." I can assure you that it is fairly uncommon. I try to find ways of appreciating her for what she does, but I'm sure that it probably occurs for her the same way that what she says (or doesn't say) occurs to me.

This makes me sad.

Our life right now seriously lacks sensuality, intimacy, and a healthy sexual relationship. It currently lives at in the realm of her doing what's expected of her. There's little wonder that it takes quite a bit for me to get aroused around her. Many times, it's just the sheer excitement of finally being able to have sex, not that she's the person I really want to be with.

Having "sex as an obligation" is something that I draw a hard line at, yet it seems that I am just accepting it for what it is and doing it anyway. This makes it even harder for me to keep my interest and desire up.

For me, having her say "I love you" is just a rote, mechanical expression of the same.

Having and being able to execute on "Plan B" now is an imperative for me.

That makes me profoundly sad...